LIKE ‘THE ROAD’, BUT WITH JESUS
09.28.09In a perfect world, we could judge The Book of Eli totally on its own merits without comparing it to The Road. But as a wise man named Will Smith once said, “Welcome da Earff.” It looks like they took The Road, a book that was unique in its approach to the apocalypse, and said, “Hey, know what’d make this way more awesome? Sword fights and bible references and Mila Kunis!” Thereby turning an unconventional approach to conventional subject matter into a really conventional approach to conventional subject matter. Or as I like to call it, a Vin Diesel movie. The upside is, instead of Vin Diesel, this one has Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman and Cheddar Bob from 8-Mile. Still, could use more tigers.
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Denzel is just channeling Tom Hanks’ look from Philadelphia. What a hack.
Cormac McCarthy thinks this movie needs more catamites.
Rock me, rock me, rock me hobo Jesus.
I would totally let a crazy doctor fuse my mouth to Gary Oldman’s ass.
the book of eli is the script for hostel?
Hobo Jesus pushes a shopping cart with a cross in it.
Hobo Jesus recycled his nails.
Hobo Jesus turns EVERYTHING into wine
This movie has fewer baby skulls than The Road…and I like that.
I wonder if this is what Jules Winfield meant when he said he was gonna “Walk the Earth”.
Hobo Jesus wants you to ask him into your heart. And your wallet.
Hobo Jesus tries to clean my windows at stop lights with holy water and pages from Leviticus.
Hobo Jesus uses the money I gave him for food on a dime bag of myrrh.
Hobo Jesus holds a sign that says ‘Will work for food, but expects a raise on the third day’
Hobo Jesus’s Mary Magdalene accepts crack as payment
I’m still scarred by mouth to anus post………………
Hobo Jesus can walk on water but prefers to hop a train.
Eibz, it’s comforting to know that even my fellow Hostel buddy was creeped out by that.
Hobo Jesus turns water into Maddog 20/20
Hobo Judas betrayed Hobo Jesus for a bottle of rum and a new cardboard box.
Yeah,Al, we do have to draw the line somewhere. It’s very Cronenberg/Dead Ringers.
Robo, I will have that song in me head all day now.
Hobo Jesus hangs with Mary Magdalene because they are both tramps.
Hobo Jesus beats up Salvation Army Santas and tells them that’s his freaking money bitch.
All those times you only saw one set of footprints in the dirt by the railroad tracks? Yep, Hobo Jesus was carrying you.
Hobo Jesus was a carpenter until this damn recession started
Hobo Jesus loves me almost as much as he loves when Listerine goes on sale on a Sunday in a blue laws jurisdiction.
Hobo Jesus can walk on water but can’t seem to cross the street without stumbling all over the place.
Hobo Jesus holds a cardboard sign that says “Spare Change? Anything helps. My father bless you”
Hobo Jesus can cure leprosy, but will give you scabies
When Hobo Jesus holds up a sign that says ‘The End is Nigh’, you damn well better pay attention
Hobo Jesus puts out the burning bush by pissing on it.
Hobo Jesus says it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God…unless he spares me 50 bucks.
Hobo Jesus fed 6,000 of his followers with half an old tuna sandwich
Hobo Jesus can turn 8 aluminum cans and a piece of twine into 4000 aluminum cans and enough twine for a hundred fancy belts.
Hobo Jesus was taken into the care of the state after his sermon on the mount
ain of garbageHobo Jesus will baptize you in the restroom of the local Chevron station.
Gary Busey always casts the first stone at hobo Jesus, cuz he’s clean as a whistle, son.
Hobo Jesus’s only “holy spirit” is his cracked bottle of Tennessee Whiskey.
Hobo Jesus doesn’t know about the Golden Rule. But you can give him a golden shower for 60 bucks and a roast beef sandwich.
[Hobo Jesus passes piss boot]
Drink this wine, and think that it’s not pee.
Even Hobo Jesus thinks Ryan Gosling is a pussy.
New up.
Shit, I bet he dies and Kunis takes his place as the book’s keeper. Anyone agrees with that? Just watch the damn trailer. When she puts his glasses… ****** spoiler trailer!!!!!
I look forward to missing that in theaters, forgetting it exists, and then watching a random 27 minutes of the middle of it when it airs on a movie channel 8 months later.
Hobo Jesus can only limp on water.
Also, am I the only one who still wants to have sex with Jennifer Beals?
@Underdog:
I hope you’re right … I often dream of Mila Kunis in a “happy ending” scenario.
@spazmodic Yes.
@PrinceVal YES!!!
Hobo Mary can’t remember why she moved in with Hobo Jesus.