09.24.09 IT’S A GOOD DAY TO BE A BLOND MATTEL TOY
A
He-Man movie that had been in development at WB and since dropped, has been picked up by Columbia. The blogosphere had been really excited about the last He-Man script, because it was written by the guy who did Street Fighter: The Legend of Chris Klein’s Awful Acting and was described as “Lord of the Rings meets The Matrix meets Batman Begins”. It’s true, bloggers are stupid. Meanwhile, Universal and Mattel have announced plans for a movie version of Barbie. My favorite part of that story was the opening line.
Universal Pictures has added Barbie to its star stable.
Haha, ’stable’, get it? Because Barbie is a whore and Universal is a pimp. A ‘no-good pimp I wouldn’t trust to wash my car,’ specifically. Anyway, since this news is surprising to precisely no one, let’s all have a good laugh at how they try to justify this. Sure, I believe you, Universal, you’re just trying to pay your way through college. Now turn around so I can stick another Washington in your cooter.
According to Mattel, the 50-year old Barbie has 99% worldwide brand awareness, is the number one girls property in the toy industry, the top doll property in the U.S. and the number one worldwide property in the traditional toy industry.
99% worldwide brand awareness, impressive. I bet that was a highly scientific survey. You can just imagine some poindexter with a stethoscope around his neck and a pocket protector filled with bunsen burners waving the flies out of some Somalian’s eyes asking, “DO YOU KNOW WHO BARBIE IS?”
Producer Laurence Mark said the next step will be to canvas writers and decide a creative take for a family-friendly movie. Mark, who just produced “Julie & Julia” was one of several A-list producers who met with Mattel and U execs. Mark said he felt fortunate to get the job and said there is no shortage of plot possibilities, since Barbie has held more than 120 jobs over the years. “Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud,” Mark said. [Variety]
I think a fun modern take would see Barbie working for a PR firm where she has to pretend the world is dying to see a f’cking Barbie movie. Because the modern woman faces challenges, you see. But that’s no reason not to look pretty and only say nice things, is it dear. By the way, what’s for dinner?
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/olddogs-travolta2shot-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/molester-wolf-crop-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/wedding_crashers_marmaduke-150x150.jpg)
There are 30 comments about:
IT’S A GOOD DAY TO BE A BLOND MATTEL TOY
Why not? They’ve had dickless men in chick flicks going on a long time now.
Barbie’s soundtrack will be provided by Matellica.
It’s true, bloggers are stupid.
That’s what Randi Mayem Singer was trying to tell you.
They wanted to calculate a more accurate percentage for the brand awareness, but math is hard.
Lady GaGa will star and they’ll call it She-Man.
Not surprisingly, Hispanic He-Man stole my ex’s boots. Thank God.
BY THE POWER OF NUMBSKULL!!!
Barbie sets impossible standards for young girls. I mean, she’s six inches tall fer’chrissakes.
MIZ-Hispanic He-Man? Hey-Meng.
Any idea how close they are to signing Calista Flockhart for the role of Skeletor?
If I don’t get cast as Orko, it’s probably because I wouldn’t audition for this piece of shit.
Barbie movie? I’d rather Skipper.
“Ram-Man” is Tom Cruise’s alias…and hobby.
Yeah Fek. I’m not really seeing it either. He’s too light skinned and doesn’t have any full body tattoos of Hispanic women. I was just going with the banner tag.
You know what would be a better movie? If someone would have recorded me playing with mine when I was younger. Malibu Barbie and Spanish Barbie used to scissor like crazy!
At least Bubastis will get a second role. I mean, I just assume that since he has limited possibilities as an actor, he’s a lock in for Battle Cat. Not to mention he got fucked over in Watchmen.
*makes Barbie and He-Man action figures 69*
That’s what the fuck I’m talking about.
Sarah Jessica Parker is still waiting on that My Little Pony movie.
If you think this movie looks stupid now, just wait until I get bored and decide to give it a haircut.
Holy shit, I just noticed that banner pic Barbie is a suicide bomber.
BANNER PIC:
LEFT-Barbie about to blast a bomb
RIGHT- He-Man about to blast a bum
If I met a chick who was built like that, I’d have a suicide boner.
All the blood in my body would rush into my dick, and my brain would suffocate.
So I’m guessing the Barbie movie will be like a less-intelligent version of ‘Legally Blonde’?
At least the pink Corvette should be cool.
Mattel should make a Jacktion figure.
This movie could be alright. If this Barbie is anything like my Barbies were, she’ll be naked all the time.
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