As if I wasn’t already turned on enough at the thought of spilling my seed inside a woman, her getting pregnant and then behaving like a b-tch for 9 months, there is a new “people die around this child” horror movie to warn me. According to some dude’s Livejournal page and this other hombre’s Blogspot site, Renee Zelwegger’s upcoming horror flick Case 39 has finally received a dependable release date of September 25th, after already being pushed back twice.

“Case 39″ centers on an idealistic social worker who saves an abused 10-year-old girl from her parents only to discover that the girl is not as innocent as she thinks. [IMDB]

Ya see? This is why I just can’t bring myself to ever lend a helping hand: it’s too damn dangerous there days. I had these two friends, Brad and Angelina, and one day they sent me a text message that was all like, “CHODE! Wat U up 2 2day?! we R bored :/ want 2 com adopt kidz with US?!?“. It’s not that I didn’t want to go and adopt children with my friends, it’s that I couldn’t. I mean, do you know how much of a p-ssy I’d look like if I went out at the hands of a 10-year-old adopted child? I’d be the laughing stock of the morgue. I’d look like a fruit.

-Chodin