I named this helicopter ‘Chopper Rotorway’.
UGO posted a round-up of info on The Expendables, and I’ll break it down like a clown. Any potential spoilers will be placed after the jump.
- The group is already established at the start of the movie, so there won’t be a clichéd recruitment scene.
- Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
- Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
- Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
- Jet Li plays Bao Thao. (That name’s not even English! Absurd.)
- Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on. Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”? You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
- Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar. Wait, “Hale Caesar”? Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
- Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain? Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s's’s's bodyguard.
- Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”. Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.
- David Zayas (I hope he’s a doctor) plays the evil dictator General Garza.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis have cameo roles.
POTENTIAL SPOILERS:
- Eric Roberts is playing a corrupt C.I.A. agent.
- Dolph Lundgren “goes a bit rogue and winds up fighting Jet Li in the film.”
- David Zayas has said that his character is a villian but is not necessarily the antagonist.
P.S. “Potential spoiler” is my nickname for alcohol. Ha ha, I love you, Scotches!
~ robopanda
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/04/safe-armond-white-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Mickey-Rourke-Gareth-Thomas-150x150.jpg)
If somebody is going to out-G.I. Joe the real G.I. Joe movie, I expect this group could.
Alternate Title: The Dirty Ol’ Dozen.
A potential spoiler is any piece of metal that a guido can nail to his trunk.
Bao Thao sounds like a Chinese clown.
I can’t wait for the scene in which Statham comes upon identical twin martial artists named Lee and Derek Hall, announced “Oi, it’s Christmas Toime!” and proceeds to deck the Halls.
Christmas came early this year. You know they are going to steal that line from Bond.
Before the helicopter can take off, Jason Lee’s kid has to crawl onto the tarmac to make sure the guy flying it isn’t drunk.
I have a big spoiler that Roberts himself said on a podcast. Which really isn’t that big of a surprise..
Don’t read this unless you want to know:
He said he has the BEST DEATH SCENE EVER in his career in this movie. He fucking loved it.
Hale Caesar: I regret that I have but one life to give the country I came, I saw, I conquered.
*plays snare drum on the way to the corner*
The Geriatric Dozen
Mickey Rourke plays “Tool”
But I thought Chino was the Tool?
(*winks, attempts ass grab, reels away clutching face*)
According to Statham’s character’s wife, Christmas cums early all the time.
*The Married With Children studio audience hoots and hollers*
There were hazard signs all over set warning people not to walk bare foot on account of all the used steroid and HGH needles.
Good plan to waste only silly names on expendable people. Save all good names for more important men.
This movie was expensive because action stars are not cheaper by the dozen.
Hahaha, thanks for the love. Yeah, I’ll be updating it with a bunch more stuff, so don’t be surprised if there are more names to riff off of.
Who’s veins exploded first you think? The ones on Sly’s arms or the ones in Rourke’s neck?
This bag of shit is going to spin apart under the bulk of it’s lack of talent like.. like… a shoddy carnival ride unevenly loaded with fat kids hiding from Fek’ at the Iowa State fair.
Spaz, you can keep calling me Tool as long as I can refer to you as hooker with a penis. Dealio?
Dealio, Chineo.
You know I could never hold The Grudge against you..
They are hiding in a SHODDY carnival ride? That narrows it down a bit!
*crosses “non-shoddy carnival” rides off of list*
Now, who wants to watch my short film, The Extendables, starring my cock, my hand and a mirror?
The Mighty Feklahr understands that JCVD will play “Rooster Cockwheels”, a mechanical engineer that specializes in vehicle customisation…and moonlights as a “defermation” lawyer…
Steven Seagal will be playing Jew Momma, a man who attempts to breastfeed everyone on the team, and gives them guilt about it when they refuse.
Lonely Hearts message to Chino:
Forty-six + 2 = sad tromboner :(
There was a similar movie in the works with Kevin James, Drew Carey, Jonah Hill, Andy Richter, Bobby Moynihan, etc called The Rotundables.
Treat Williams need no name change to fit in on this movie.
Shit, I just realized that joke would have worked better with former action stars turned fat like Steven Seagal and Val Kilmer. FML
Any truth to these other casting rumors:
Tom Cruise as Phil McCrevice (an army tunnel rat)
Ron Jeremy as Harry Balzongna (the strip club owner)
Ryan Reynolds as Eaton Beaver (the smooth talking ladies man)
Mild Spoiler
When ever Jet Li’s character kills someone his catchphrase is “Bao Thao when I come yo tao.”
P.S. Hes still working on his English.
@Oski
The Roundtable’s arch nemesis will be called Hale Ceasar Salad.