08.07.09 SURPRISE, G.I. JOE SUCKS. PATRIOTICALLY.
(”Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)
Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes. Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much. It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe. I think the British reviews are my favorite:
“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.
Codswallop? Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish? I think that’s my new favorite word. “Waiter? Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you! We are men, not grizzly bears.”
“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent. [ho snap!]
“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld
Rise of Cobblers? Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime? I’m so confused.
Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”
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There are 32 comments about:
SURPRISE, G.I. JOE SUCKS. PATRIOTICALLY.
The decision to go with Reel Big Fish for the soundtrack was the first indication this was gonna blow.
i like how you are trashing G.I. Joe but HARK! above the comments… IT’S A ROLLOVER AD FOR G.I. JOE THE RISE OF COBRA… Hypocrisy thy name is FILMDRUNK
Captain, I do not want to forget that I am Hugh!
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/I_Borg_(episode)
HE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE HUGH!
I don’t discriminate when it comes to people giving me money.
Except against Mexicans.
A real slap in the face for men who grew up playing with dolls. Be ashamed, Hollywood.
Real American Zeroes
*Stone opens Flintstones lunch box and looks inside*
Mom, not a utility meat sandwich again!
Its bad when your army exploitation movie makes Michael Bay’s army exploitation movie look like Steven Spielberg’s army exploitation movie.
Utility-grade meat is what linesmen eat.
The Rise of Cobblers?
COOOOOOOBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRN!
I think I’d prefer a movie about reblious shoe makers.
“The cartoon was more realistic” says Ben Lyons
“Now I know why Cobra Commander and Snake Eyes wear masks” says A.O. Scott
“This is why Al Qaida hates us,” Gene Chalet.
“Duke needs a Y at the end of his name” says…err…types Roger Ebert
“….” says Gene Siskel
Fake-looking explosions? Excuse me Mr. Hoity-Toity Brit, but I do believe this movie is aimed at Midwesterners and if there’s one thing we Midwesterners know better than our coastal brethren and friends across the pond, it’s what an explosion is supposed to look like.
BANNER PIC:
Is it ironic that the pic of that Iraqi guy is grainy?
I don’t discriminate when it comes to people giving me money.
Except against Mexicans.
Is that why I didn’t have to pay for that hand-job?
(*blows kiss, eats taco*)
Now that this movie was made, Raul Julia can finally rest in peace.
SmokeEm, he’s not an Iraqi…he’s a douche.
With an eyepatchthingamig
GI Joe blows. It’s how he got out of the Army.
Don’t Ask
Don’t Tell
Don’t See
I don’t know, I did hear Kid Rock in the trailer.
Only terrorists hate Kid Rock.
“Rise of the Cobblers” is most certainly an hilarious reference to Northampton Town F.C. whose home ground Sixfields was built on top of a waste disposal dump. I can hardly contain my laughter at this moment.
Charlie Br0nze ? Paging Mr. Br0nze ?
Pauly Shore thinks these guys need more training.
Seeing a Wayans in the movie, I can’t help but think the movie is titled “______ Movie”.
It’s no Class Act.
Channing Tatum shows emotion like Zoolander.
N’up.
I understand the upgraded eye piece. But the upgraded mexistache?
Sorry, Shop 101, I’ve been distracted. Whilst it’s certainly impressive you know Northampton Town’s nickname is “The Cobblers”, i believe the critic was using “cobblers” as the slang for balls. As in “What a load of old cobblers”.
Thanks ! I can add that to the list, 509 words for balls now.
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