08.10.09 SPIELBERG PRODUCING HALO MOVIE?????

HALO THE FALL OF REACH

Followed by sequels “Halo the gesture of shrug”, “Halo the near-miss of arms akimbo”, and “Halo the quantum of solace”.

I will go see this, but only if there will be enough 14-year olds in the theater calling me a fag and threatening to teabag me. I want the experience to be perfect.

“The fall of Reach” is what got me fired from my night stockman position at the grocery store. Sure, I shouldn’t have been driving that lifter while whacked out on cough syrup, but they COULD have made those mouthwash bottles a bit sturdier if you ask me.

“Halo the thing big-tounged special ed kids say when they answer a phone”

If they want to follow the Halo universe, they’ll the story with Keira Knightley as Cortana and finish with Salma Hayek. The last time a computer program got a breast enhancement that severe, Miss Pac-Man developed back problems.

*They’ll begin the story

You see what thinking about boobs does to me?

For this film, the role of the Needler will be played by Katherine Heigl.

[Serious]

Kind of ballsy to make a movie about the event that leads up to the discovery of the Halo rings after which the whole franchise is named. It’s a bit like making a movie where a guy cuts himself on his Roomba and calling it a Terminator movie

/serious

Danny Trejo will play Master Chief in the Mexican version, Hola.

Who’s going to play Donut?

It was a sure bet for him after working on Indiana Jones 4. Clearly if you want someone to f up a movie, Spielberg is your man. Here is the plot:

Take your Halo universe and now, bring in some CG. No sets necessary, just a nice blue screen, and some CG. Also, make sure to make people hate a popular franchise, that is key. Make sure to ruin their childhoods like Star Wars or Indiana Jones.

The girls (ha!) from Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives are together at last… as the Flood. Best have plenty of ammo for those shotguns.

if the phrase “pwned” isnt uttered or emblazoned on the screen in the trailer than i’ll eat my energy sword

C’mon you feegs, if somebody as cool as me can admit to playing and enjoying Halo then you all can come out of…the…woodwork.

*puts on Master Chief replica helmet so they can’t see me crying*

I thought the punctuation for the dismissive wank was one of those upside-down exclamation marks.

Gamer: Pauly, are you gonna watch Halo: the movie?

Pauly:Halo? [knocks Mt. Dew out of Gamer's hand] Haaaiil no!

a theocratic alliance of alien races.

They’re fucked, Theo was the dumbest of all the Huxtables.

FAILO

looking for a big tent pole to help launch their newly independant studio

That’s the same ad I put on Craigslist when I got into amateur snuff porn.

I even misspelled “independent”, just like the IESB writer.

Angelo Mendoza will play BRAILLEO

GAYlo is for GAYmers.

I called Ken Watanabe’s house for comment and he answered, “Hayro, Ken heer!” so, I called him a ‘jabbering gook’ and hung up.

In Japan, Hayro is what they called the NuvaRing.

Because in Japanese, Nuvaring means, “backwoods chicken fucker.”

“Backwoods” is also what they call the reverse gear in their cars.

*Hands Crappy a tumbleweed*

Whadya say, pardner. We fucked this dead horse enough for one day? What say you and me ride off into the sunset?

*opens trunk*

Shit, which one is Sunset again? I always get her and Mercedes confused.

*Hooker struggles to escape from trunk, Donk hits her with a tire iron*

Goddamnit Allure, sit still!

Get this bitch off me, Donk, you know I don’t like to share trunk space.

[Crappy walks up with Sable stuck on his dick]
Wazatnow?

We’d have more room back there if you didn’t insist on carrying around your dildo armada.

You may take our lives, but you’ll never take our ARMADA!

(You gotta read that ^ with a Scottish accent, obviously)

THIS. IS. SPARTAN 117!

*punches self in the dick*

Here’s a concept for a dismissive wank:

:=””,=>

Vodka Says: Danny Trejo will play Master Chief in the Mexican version, Hola.

To be directed by Señor Spielbergo.

My gamer says yes, my brain says no.
This is the first real thinker I’ve had since that 15 year old stripper.

“Backwoods” is what a kid asks a pedaphile when the pedaphile tells him to bend over.

Hold up….is the site different or is it just my phone?

It’s not your phone, the ads are gigantic and the right panel is different.

Also, loading properly is hit and miss for me but that’s probably my retarded ‘pooter’s fault.

What sorcery is this?

Change bad
Hulk sad

I can handle change.

As long as it’s your stupid face.

What’s Going On At UPROXX?

No, seriously. What?

I heard that Spielburger doesn’t really “Produce”, as it were. He normally stands there with his arms crossed, swaying his knees proprietorialy from left to right, chewing gum purposefully like a gamecoach, and only breaking from this routine to nod curtly to a passing senior tec or someone, usually grunting “uh huh” at the same time. Once an hour he will look closely at his watch and touch his earpiece to show that he’s listening to hear for the ever-present fluttering of banknotes accumulating somewhere in the background. Usually he will have lunch alone by the loading dock around two, before jerking off in his trailer for ten minutes, then resuming his position, always two feet in a different direction to stay one step ahead of those pesky anti-semite snipers.

I only just noticed Birthday Dog in the helmet. Well played Mr. Mantini, well played.