PIRATES IN SPAAAAACE
08.03.09
Warner Bros is producing a remake of the 1935 Errol Flynn swashbuckler Captain Blood, with Daybreakers directors the Spierig Brothers. But of course, this won’t be your grandpappy’s pirate movie, because your grandpappy pisses himself and his fly is down. No, this one will be fresh and hip and MP3 because this one will be set in space. XXXTREEEEME SPACE PIRACY!!!
According to Variety, the studio decided that the best way to usher the beloved 1935 Errol Flynn pirate classic into the modern world was by setting the movie … in outer space! When I called Producer Bill Gerber, he was matter-of-fact about the changes. “When it comes to swashbuckling, you just couldn’t go back to the pirate era, not once you’ve experienced the juggernaut that is ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’ ” he explains. “So we needed to find a new way to tell the story.” [LATimes]
Oh sure, you can’t do a real pirate movie now that people have already seen Johnny Depp dance with skeletons and wear eyeliner. Just like you can’t do basketball movies now because Zac Efron sang a love song to his basketball.
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I hope they all get space scurvy*.
* AIDS
Remember ladies, in space no one can hear you say “no!”
Vince, I don’t mean to nitpick, but why do you have a poster from a Matthew McConaughey movie up there?
wait wait wait – They are remaking Ice Pirates!?!?! AWESOME!!! I hope they bring back Robert Urich as an older, wiser Captain Jason.
2000-yar! A Swashbuckling Odyssey
Fuck that Panda, the only way this will be a proper pirates in space movie is if the ship gets space herpes.
Dammit blueBalls! Get out of my head.
Also, Robert Shaw and the Blarney Cock will forever rule the sea.
Why?
- Jake Yenor
His nemesis is CripBeard.
Okay, Jake, you can stop signing your name after all your comments now.
“Fuck that Panda”
*holds envelope up to forehead*
What are things you can hear at Filmdrunk-Zoo-Con ’10.
just like you can’t make your regular movie about baked goods since Jim Levenstein fucked that pie
Captain Blood only pillages women once a month.
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Tang.
“When it comes to blowjobs, you just couldn’t go back to the Sonic drive-thru, not once you’ve experienced the juggernaut that is some tranny,” says Brett Ratner, without a hint of irony.
Why does Errol Flynn look like he’s going to barf on Olivia De Havilland in that poster?
Is space where all movie franchises go to die?
“…usher the beloved 1935 Errol Flynn pirate classic into the modern world was by setting the movie … in outer space!”
By the queer looks of Flynn on that poster…they’re probably gonna name him Man Solo or Captain Circle Jerk of the Starship Enterguys.
you just couldn’t go back to the pirate era, not once you’ve experienced the juggernaut that is ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’
Well, I’ve already experienced ‘Leprechaun 4: In Space’ so I’m full up on the juggernaut that is bad ideas for movies in outer space.
Zac Efron thinks “swashbuckling” is when you get a dent that looks like a Nike logo in your forehead from the hook of a truck driver’s belt.
Donk, I see your Leprechaun and raise you Jason in Space.
C’mon, did people stop making thinly veiled homoerotica just because ‘Top Gun’ came out? If my memory of ‘Days of Thunder’, ‘Mission Impossible’, or ‘Interview With a Vampire’ serves me correctly, I don’t think so.
The space pirates go to Uranus to get the booty.
Fin.
The only people who want to bring things back from the 30s are Nazis and octogenarians. Both of those groups are known for their less-than-subtle racism.
Aaargghhonauts.
Blood In, Blood Out: A Tale of Conflicted Sexual Orientation
Asians who hear about this through word-of-mouth are going to think it’s about emo pirates.
Captain Blood spent a little time with a well funded terrorist organization known as Cobra. Though, his title then was Major.
They’re putting the Captain in space? Don’t they know that Blood is Quicker in water?
Coming soon to a Wal-Mart DVD bin near you: Grethor: Butt-Pirates In Space!!!
Doomed to an eternity of servitude to Fek’lhr, Captain of the Rusty Space-Heap Grethor, the crew tries to find creative and questionably hetero ways of filling their time. So, basically it’s like a bunch of pseudo-gay Klingons, spaceships, worm-holes, SUPERNOVAS, BOOM HERE COMES THE BOOM!!! LOOK OUT ROMULANS, WE FIXIN TO CHUCK OUR HIGH HEELS AT-CHOO! OH WHA AH AH AH! GRRR…PRISON TATTOOS!
Captain Blood likes to get his women the same way he likes to get his tattoos. Lick ‘em and stick ‘em.
Ironically Captain Blood’s First Mate will be his first mate.
Watch Captain Lince Maraschino in “Pilates In Spaaaaaace!”
So, what you’re telling me is there will be space docking?
Sa-weet.
Captain Kronos and Captain Blood Together in: Suck my sword.
I got nuthing.
In other news Johnny Depp is playing a vampire. I hear the dulcet tones of Twiheads battling older Johnny fans and it makes me smile.
So they’re making Firefly?
This sounds like an O positive film for the kids.