08.05.09 JOHN C. REILLY IS A VAMPIRE NOW TOO

How do vampires “war”, exactly? Do they throw their cravats at one another whilst simpering with bourgeois rage? Do they have a “Yo Mamma” contest?

Warring factions of vampires? Aren’t they all red staters? Hahahahafuck you.

“Bloodthirsty.” Watch a 16 year old earn his red wings. This time, it’s legal.

when he and his buddy stumble upon a traveling freak show, things begin to change inside Darren. That’s the exact moment when a vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) turns him into something, well, bloodthirsty.

So he gets turned into a vampire in the middle of puberty? Holy fuck, would that be shitty or what?

“Ii VaaAAnT tO SuCK your BlOOd!”

muscular yet gentle, with an iron will and the courage of an eagle

WTF DNA? Suck yourself off like that much more and I may mistake you for Brendon from over there.

The two warring vampire factions?

Crypts and Bloods, of course.

So carnies are vampires? That explains the Tilt-a-Whirl operator that kept offering to suck me off when I was 13.

“. . . things begin to change inside Darren. That’s the exact moment when . . .”

All right, who let Jordan Scott Stephenie Meyer write the synopsis?

Worst thing about vampire freak shows, none of those yummy garlic fries.

http://www.holytaco.com/henry-rollins-would-destroy-you-sack-race

I think the url says it all.

Worst thing about vampire freak shows, the bearded ladies are only on display during the full moon.

I’ll turn you into a vampire . . . NOW! No, NOW! No, THEN!

*pouring a little out for Brian Regan, who died in that helicoptor crash with Dan Rosen and Aubrey Tennant*

I think vampires should work together and use their freaky powers to for the world’s greatest basketball team.

The Hemoglobe-trotters.

The Vampire’s Assistant got fired because she refused to work nights.

Vampire John C. Reilly looks like Fat Willy Wonka.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
Darren Shan opens his front door:

Mysterious Stranger: Are you Darren Shan?
Darren Shan: Um, it’s pronounced SH-AWN, as in Darren O’Shaughnessy as that’s my real name, per se.
Mysterious Stranger: Whatever, you’ve been served. *hands over letter*
Darren Shan: *after reading notice* Who the fuck is Jordan Scott?

Vampire John C. Reilly’s porn name is Bleed Rothchild.

Oh, is Darkmoon Festival in town?

I think all these dracula movies are missing a great opportunity by not having Vampire Weekend on the soundtrack.

Dammit, Panda – I just had to google Brian Regan in a panic.

They’re also missing the great opportunity of not sucking.

I’m guessing Circue Du Freak tries to avoid Cirque Du Soleil as much as possible.

Did you try calling his cell phone, Stone? OH MY GOD, HE’S NOT ANSWERING.

I’m calling mom.

The Vampire’s Assistant got the job because of her sucking skills.

BRIAN REGAN MEGAN FOX FUCK PUDDLE TREE WAY DEAD AT 42

Tree way? They’re in that Willam DeFoe movie, too?

At first I didn’t realize because he’s asian, but Ken Watanabe’s forehead is bizarrely huge in this.

The Vampire’s Assistant got the job because of her sucking skills.

Wouldn’t that make her more of a suckretary?

Darren is going to be an awful vampire. In my experience, 16 yr old boys spend a lot of time in the mirror, eat tons of food and don’t need an invitation to come inside.

Vampire’s Ass is taint?

I had a vampire turn to smoke and waft over to me, so I sucked him through my bong and shotgunned my dog.

Being a vampire’s assistant is a terrible job. The hours are shit and it sucks the life right out of you.

At least John C. Reilly’s widow’s peak will go with his luscious ‘v’ of hair going through his chest pubes down to his ball ‘fro.

Being a vampire’s assistant is a real pain in the neck.

“You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learning vampires.”

He may be a vampire but he’s so not a raper.

I would have thought by now someone would have invented an artificial blood substitute so the vampires could come out of the shadows and take their place in society as a discriminated against minority. And of course all the good looking blonde girls would be attracted to them. Naaah.

That’s True, Blood.

A vampire that doesn’t kill people, sucks MEN’S blood, and has to learn fighting skills?

This liberal ninja movement has gone too far.

[vampire to his assistant]

Ummm, yeah, get me a pumpkin spice mocha frap with a bottled water. Oh, I need some sunblock in the highest SPF known to man. And stop by Subway and get me a 6 inch club with NO ONIONS! I almost died last time thanks to your incompetence. Oh, and hold my calls the rest of the afternoon but if my Mom calls tell her I’m asleep in my coffin and she can just float me a text. Thanks!

Darren is going to be an awful vampire. In my experience, 16 yr old boys spend a lot of time in the mirror

But he…he’s a vampire, Chino.

Being a vampire’s assistant is very draining.

Yo, P. I only made that lame comment to save you from the durst. Cuz I’m nice like that.

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I wonder if that Vampire can toast an english muffin worth a shit… [wonders]

Vampire Dance Off Vampire Dance Off

I call this one the ‘Blood Drive’
*full body wiggle*

hee hee ‘full body wiggle’
hee funny
sigh
OMG BRIAN REGAN!

I’ve crossed oceans of carnie-town lot to be with you.

“That’s True, Blood.”

I do love it when Chino gets all ghetto.