08.10.09 ‘JOAQUIN P GOES CRAZY WHILE BUYING A CAPE’
This news item comes from Mike Walker’s National Enquirer column, which generally contains 99% made-up bullsh*t. But what can I say, I couldn’t resist a headline like “Joaquin Phoenix goes crazy while buying a cape.”
It’s no hoax, folks – Joaquin Phoenix is one nutty fruitcake! The looney-toony star, dressed like a homeless derelict and muttering to himself nonstop, was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs.
Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!” [Editor's note: Again, possibly not true, but awesome. I'm totally stealing that.]
Said an eyewitness: “He mumbled madly while the girl counted out his change and offered him a bag for his own clothes. Joaquin never said a word, rushed out of the store wearing his velvet cape – and dumped his old clothes in the nearest trash can!” [Nat'lEnquirer via Celeb]
The eyewitness probably didn’t say that with an exclamation point, but Mike Walker’s keyboard is stuck on ‘breathlessly homo.’ Anyway, I hope Casey Affleck’s documentary comes out soon, because I’m starting to like this character. And I don’t know how he’s going to top himself short of pooping in random baby strollers. Same thing happened to Sean Young. It was …quite sad.
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/jessica-alba-underwear-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/03/crispin-clownyclown-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/03/ezcomb-150x150.jpg)
There are 40 comments about:
‘JOAQUIN P GOES CRAZY WHILE BUYING A CAPE’
It’s no joke, bloke!
It’s no ruse, yous!
It’s no scam, ma’am!
**slams head through wall**
<==== wants to write for the Enquirer
He’s turned into the girlfriend who swears she’s dieting but keeps getting fatter. Everyone knows it’s a lie but she keeps raving about P90X to keep the lie going. Eventually Joaquin will either have to release an album or kill someone.
So, bring your passion for adventure, your love of fashion, and your money – because at Red Balls, they don’t accept American Express. Or semen-soaked newspaper.
Fek: “Ol’ Dirty Harelip, what’s that in your tophat?”
JP: *reaches into hat and pulls quickly!* “BUNNY!”
He was then sighted tying an attractive woman to some railroad tracks while cackling about her inability to pay the rent.
Newscaster: “Now to Ol’ Dirty Harelip for the weather…”
JP: *motions erratically to national radar* “SUNNY!”
That’s pretty much standard operating procedure at the Goodwill. Maybe his GPS was on the blink.
Waiter: “Excuse, vagabond looking dude, how would you like your eggs?”
JP: *stabs machete into wall!* “RUNNY!”
*beats off and jizzes into hand and slaps you across the face*
MONEY!
Concert promoter: “Wow, ODH, never seen a hip hop act go on stage in a Winnie the Pooh costume…do you, uh, like need anything before you go on?”
JP: *slams empty crock on table!* “HONEY!”
DNA: “Hey, JP, what would you say about my commenter Jacktion!?”
JP: *hurriedly evacuates bowels into baby stroller!* “PUNNY!”
Black Trousers? WTF? No booty shorts, stretchy pants, or like baseball pants with stirrups? Mr. Phoenix your lack of commitment is appalling.
Hipsters everywhere are ironically scoffing and sarcastically applauding this latest move.
Fek: “ODH, what is an antonym for WWTDD?”
JP: *circumcises a gnat with a hatchet!* “FUNNY!”
Dare we dream for the awesome that would be the Joaquin Phoenix and Gary Busey cop buddy movie “Teeth and Money!”
Would the world be able to handle such a thing?
I got Red Balls on Melrose when I tried to give this chick $20 for a half and half and she kicked me in the nards. Turns out she wasn’t a Tranny hooker but just some chick who liked eye shadow too much.
Fek: “What did Sam cook for Frodo?”
JP: *shoots down passenger plane from sky with nostril lasers!* “CONEY!”
Fek: “The Klingon is trying today, how about a little love?”
JP: *scatters the ashes of his grandmother into a manure heap!* “CRUMMY!”
I can’t believe that motherfucker is stealing my look.
I wish Joaquin Phoenix and Christopher Walken would rent a horse costume and walk around town as a horse named “Christopher Joaquin”.
He bought it for the cover art of his first album ‘Rapped in a Cape’.
I once went crazy when I found nuts on my crepe.
“Hey Joaquin you had uncles who were twins, and one of them became a Master Sergeant what rank did your less successful uncle acheive?”
JP: takes a break from shaving the words “Free Willy” into his dyed pubic hair “GUNNY”
umm, Joaquin Phoenix goes crazy while buying a cape ??
i think it’s more like, “Joaquin Phoenix goes crazy, then buys a cape”
I cape is just a shirt that some asshole was too lazy to finish sewing.
That’s why they go so well with assless chaps.
red ball gives you things!
More like “Joaquin Phoenix is crazy enough to buy a cape.”
He wasn’t going crazy, he was scared. He has Cape Fear.
Joaquin Tucson doesn’t own any capes, but he only fastens the collar on the button-up shirts he wears over his tank tops and that makes them look kinda like a cape, except he also tucks it into his pants.
Alright, someone own up: one of you is trishalinedm, right?
It should be a red cape considering that this is bull.
If so, I would like to buy you a steak dinner.
Maybe he’s gonna change his rap name to “Stupor Hero.”
…and Vince, it’s not me, but I wish I’d thought of it first.
The only person more disturbed than trishalinedm (if she is real) would be the person who would create her many months after that story….and Joaquin Phoenix.
Fine, it’s me.
(no idea who you’re talking about)
I think it’s Joaquin fucking with us.
Capes are just coats with a harelip.
new up, and no, He isn’t trish.
Comment on this post:
You must be logged in to post a comment. Not yet a member, register for free.