(“I’ve been working on my tough-guy look in the mirror at Hot Topic”)

Dimension has hired Rob Zombie to direct a remake of The Blob, and why not?  A monkey with d’cks for hands could direct a horror remake.  (Plus, it’d probably be good in bed – Rawr.)

Zombie’s deal to make “The Blob” his next film comes as Dimension opens “Halloween II,” the Zombie-directed sequel to his 2007 hit “Halloween.”

In the original “Blob,” an object from space crashes into a field, containing a red blob-like substance that absorbs the humans it contacts and grows exponentially. While Zombie was a fan of the original, he’s formulated a decidedly different take that he would not reveal.

“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change,” Zombie said. “That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.” [See also: your clothes. -Ed]

“I’d been looking to break out of the horror genre, and this really is a science fiction movie about a thing from outer space,” Zombie said. “I intend to make it scary, and the great thing is I have the freedom once again to take it in any crazy direction I want to.” [Variety]

Horror films are cheap to make, always earn money for some reason, and are the easiest thing in the world to write, so I understand why these things get greenlit.  The only thing that keeps me going is hearing the people who don’t really believe in the product having to put a positive spin on it in interviews, and then end up saying ridiculous sh’t like “I wanted to stop making horror films so I decided to direct The Blob.”   Ha, good one, Rob, I wanted to write that down but I was too busy pantomiming this blow job.