Buckle up, blenderlickers, it’s time for another episode of “Forgotten Classics”. Back in 1994, when Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey were just getting started in the movies, they both starred in a crotchpunchingly bad film called Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. The film was unique in that it featured Leatherface in drag, Matthew McConaughey with a robotic leg, and not a single chainsaw murder. You know a franchise has nuked the fridge when its title no longer has any bearing on its content.
I believe the two clips below sum up the essence of this film. I can’t be arsed to try to explain just how bad this movie is. I’m coasting. This is my last post before Vince’s triumphant return. Arrivederci, goat touchers. I’ll be blazed and playing bongos naked with Cole Hauser if you need me.
~ robopanda [picture source]
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Hooray for panda and chodin!
Huh, usually adding “The Next Generation” makes it better
DOR SHO GHA!
Wait, Vince is coming back? Fuck, we better clean up the place a bit. Has anybody seen Vince’s goldfish?
I sent them to Cash4Gold.com, Donk.
I was disappointed with “Hard Ball”. Not what I was expecting at all.
*Shoos chickens, ducks, piglets out of FilmDrunk HQ… with a motherfucking firehose
Having a robotic leg would be cool until the Roomba started humping it.
I clogged Vince’s toilet, if I leave the seat down he’ll never notice, right?
My cat left a surprise under Vance’s bed. And someone might want to warn him not to open the hall closet too suddenly.
Vince doesn’t use a toilet, he bottles all of his fluids for study.
Oh man, I clogged the bottles too.
Well that explains the smell.
At least take the fucking clogs off.
I can’t help that I NEED to put on wooden shoes and dance on bottles of human waist, ok, I can’t!
That, my friend, is what makes you a FilmDrunkard.
*Hands Oski a piss boot*
[whispering] you drink it, you don’t smash it.
If Vince is coming back, do I have to take his underwear off?
Wow, that second clip takes me back. Not to when this movie came out or to when exactly Renee Zellweger got beat with the ugly stick…..but to my early days of picking up helpless women by the side of the road. I was so green back then. Now I know to not even bother with sheets, but to keep fresh tarps in my trunk. Plus you need 2 hands to get a good knockout blow with your bashing stick.
I hope VaLince doesn’t mind that I was watering the plants with urine and whiskey shits. If not, fuck him if he can’t take a joke.
[busts nut on couch, re-covers with plastic]
Check out this bashing stick
*points to picture of bashing stick in the current issue of, oh i don’t know, Guns and Ammo?
I like Rob Zombie’s slashing shtick.
[wipes dick on curtains]
[wipes ass on hall rug scooting around dog style]
[lifts matress, pisses all over box spring]
In Guns and Ammo it’s probably a “Blasting” stick.
[shits in coffee can half full of vinegar, puts in vent duct]
[flushes remote control down toilet]
Holy SHIT! This isn’t Vinky’s place, it’s my sister’s!
If it wasn’t for Crapbasket I don’t know how we would have put this place back EXACTLY the way it was when Vince left. Oh, you forgot to vomit in the fishbowl.
Crapbasket, you are the worst exorcist ever.
Crap, want to be my cleaning lady?
Vince was away?
*shrugs*
The fuck is “Vince”?
He’s that white man who looks at me real creepy-like in the produce aisle.
**obviously needs to start hanging out with ets_Ree in the produce aisle**
PS – there’s a “produce” aisle, now??
PPS – fuck you, Eastern Standard Time. I’m not that fucked up*
*SO is
No one seems to remember that Vigo Mortenson was the hick cannibal cousin/brother/inbred son of Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw 3. Everyone has a Leatherface in their closet, even Aragorn.