JOSS WHEDON HAS CUTE POSTERS
08.06.09
Joss Whedon is famous for a whole slew of stuff I’ve never seen (Buffy, Dollhouse) so I’ve never had an opinion on him, other than that his name sounds like weird hybrid. Joss? Isn’t that like Ryanathan, or Markael? Regardless, the posters for Cabin in the Woods, which Whedon co-wrote with director Drew Goddard, are sort of fun plays on old horror movie clichés, which seems to fit what we know about the movie so far:
The Cabin in the Woods provides a new twist on a classic scenario, in this case the young-people-stranded-in-the-woods horror trope. [Older guys] Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford will play white-collar co-workers with a mysterious connection to the cabin. [via ComingSoon]
The posters read: “If you hear a strange sound outside… have sex.” “If an old man warns you not to go there… make fun of him.“ “If something is chasing you… split up.“ Get it? It’s like bad advice. Let’s try a few:
- If you’re chatting with a 10-year-old online and she says bring over some condoms and a twelve-pack… it’s your lucky day.
- If all else fails… they don’t.
- If your family tree only has one branch… you might be a redneck.
- If you like apples… how do you like them apples?
Crap, I don’t think I’m doing this right.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/monsieur_lazhar__ver2_C-Tates-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Julia-Roberts-and-Armie-Hammer-in-Mirror-Mirror-2011-Movie-Image-600x354-150x150.jpg)
If you see a Wayans brother on set… agree to keep working on the movie.
If David Carradine asks to show you the ropes… tell him that you will meet him in his trialer.
If you hear a strange sound outside… it’s me.
If David Carradine asks to show you the ropes… tell him that you will meet him in his trailer.
If you want tax advice… ask Wesley Snipes.
If Pauly’s mom asks you for sex… be prepared to cry when you see her penis
If grass is on the field…then Roman Polanski won’t fuck it.
If you fuck a dog, videotape it.
If there’s something strange in your neighborhood… who you gonna call?
If you make a racist remark, it’s OKKK.
If at first you don’t succeed…then you’re a fucking looser.
if youre in a movie directed by uwe boll…its probably a good video game adaptation
If that stripper asks you to find the man in the boat… she won’t appreciate you telling her to climb your lighthouse first
If a tree falls in the woods, does it go down faster than your Mom?
If you need a ride across town… Nick Hogan is available.
If Joss Whedon casts you in every thing he does… find a new career (Eliza Dushku)
If she bleeds, she gets fucked.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them… maybe you can hire the A-Team.
If it’s pretty, fuck it… there is no gay.
I think I’m losing the plot here.
If I Ever Lose My Faith in You… is a good song.
(we’re still going with bad advice, right?)
If you really like the girl you are dating… Tell her she reminds you of your mother.
If tomorrow all the things were gone, I’d worked for all my life, and I had to start again with just my children and my wife… I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today.
*Still has ‘God Bless the USA’ stuck in his head from yesterday’s G.I. Joe post*
if youre sick of your ex running around with another guy…call oj
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy….come on baby let me know.
If you ever meet Alec Baldwin…. ask him what the capital of Thailand is…. then kick him in the nuts…. and then tell him you loved him in “Fled”.
if youre about to buy a ticket to the gi joe movie, don’t…buy two
If your bread is stuck in the toaster….grab a butter knife.
If Michael Bay hands you a bucket… wash his Ferrari.
I have a feeling this should’ve been the last post of the day.
If Parker Brothers approaches you about making movies out of their board games… throw money at them.
If an old man warns you not to go there….go there anyway, you got bills to pay.
If at first you don’t succeed… try heroin.
Ray.
If someone asks if you’re a God…you say YES!!!
Are Whedon yet?
If your wife comes home with lipstick on her nipples… fix yourself a drink.
If Family Guy makes a pop culture reference from the 80s… it’s hilarious.
If it happens on an episode of Entourage… it can happen to anyone.
If you don’t like the music the black guy is playing….touch his stereo.
If your wife is nagging you… tell her it’s just PMS.
If you are being chased by Libyan terrorists… Jump in the DeLorean and gun it.
If the cheerleader promises not to tell anyone… let her live.
Really Joss did Fringe? huh……i thought it was JJ Abrams……
If Jesus was one of us, he’d probably try fucking the hole in his hand.
If you’re murdered by a serial killer… say hi to Dan Rosen for me.
If a plane were to fall from the sky… how big a hole would it make?
In the suuuuuurface of the earth, surface of the earth
If Gary Busey approaches your border checkpoint in a tank… demand to see his identification.
If your son asks you what it means ‘to be gay’… tell him it means you really like Popsicles.
If this is it… please let me know.
If this ain’t love, baby… just say so.
If 3X + 6 = 12 – X …. Fuck I should have studied harder.
If Tony Jaa is protecting a group of elephants… take a swing at him. I bet he’s not that tough.
If you love something let it go, if it doesn’t come back, buy a rag and a bottle of chloroform
If you build it… make sure to wear safety goggles.
there is a special place in my heart for joss whedon and always will be. given the turn of sci-fi and horror, he’s kind of like jj abrams lite. jj just did it, i don’t want to say better, but smarter for sure.
If you’re a fat comic… get a job on Saturday Night Live.
If you ever put Baby in a corner… Be ready to see some fuckin dancin. *JAZZ HANDS*
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. Or just sit when you piss, needle-dick.
If I have seven apples and you take away three… how many apples would you have?
If its yellow, let it mellow.
If its brown, flush it down.
If its red and splotchy and you have to get back to the prom, find the nearest trash can.
If Picard really is a better than Kirk… haven’t you still wasted your life?
If you want to buy a house but don’t have the means to pay for it…buy it anyway
If…
If you put a seashell to your ear, make sure it’s not the home of a hermit crab.
If you like the waitress at Dave and Busters…have an extramarital affair with her
If Ryan Gosling…hugs.
If an old man says anything to you, you should make fun of him
If Joss Whedon has nothing to do with Fringe… say he does.
If a couple of guys, who were up to no good, start making trouble in your neighborhood… get in a fight.
If it smells like Thai food…someone probably had sex
If Christopher Walken and Robert Wagner ask you to go on a boat trip…learn to swim. same thing goes if you’re William Shatner’s wife or you’re invited to a pool party at Tommy Lee’s house
If you gotta problem…yo, I’ll solve it
If you get money to make a movie… hire Luke Wilson.