One of my favorite YouTube videos of all time has to be Guido Beach, the landmark anthropological study of the douchebag and douchette in their natural habitwat. Recently, Flubby over on KSK dug up this classic video (watch it below), a compilation of clips from the 1994 documentary Wildwood, NJ, which is basically like Guido Beach but with worse hair and stupider clothes. Some of my favorite moments:
- :30 mark. Big-haired brunette says, “You ask me? Women always got a strike up on men. We got our bodies. If we keep in shape. And (pointing at vagina) we always got. that. check. to. cash.” I imagine a guy coming up to her and being like, “Eh, oh, I’d like ta cash dat check. …WIT MY CAACK!” *grabs crotch*
- 2:00. “I haven’t been in a fight for a while.” (long wistful pause) “‘Cause my boyfriend won’t let me fight.”
- 2:32. “I put some girl in da hospital. She’s still there actually. She tried to mace me inna face.”
- 3:40. (same girl) “I put some girl in da hospital and she ended up dyin. …Because she had a gun to my back, and I beat her up really bad.”
Ahh, Jersey, don’t ever change. This should be the new New Jersey tourism video. “New Jersey: Everyone has white trash, but ours is the greasiest.”
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George Lucas is working on Greedo Beach. Guidos, coincidentally, tend to shoot first.
I’m spending the holiday weekend on Speedo Beach working on my Nicole Kidman tan. Ladies, please–one at a time.
I’m going to be listening to shitty music on Creedo Beach.
YES! Vindicated! “Stoned surfer from Jersey.”
I’ll be wearing a monocle and sipping tea like a fancypants on Worsted Tweedo Beach. Stop by for the cribbage tournament.
Greedo Beach was destroyed in an unprovoked attack from Solo Beach.
Guido Beach: Come for the Oil Slicks, Stay for the Vagina Checks.
Judging by the banner pic, I’d say she’s more the passive aggressive type. Hence the cold shoulders.
Ryan Gosling frequents Neat-o Beach.
I can’t go swimming this week because I’m on Bleedo Beach :(
1994 in Jersey Shore years equals 1989.
Of course, any number of Jersey Shore years equals 1989.
Baby Goose recommends SPF 45, because skin cancer is bad news bears.
Don’t be gettin’ caught at the border with the weed o’ Cheech.
(Look, I watched 12 straight hours of Trailer Park Boys yesterday).
Ryan Gosling goes to Neat-o Beach
oh Pauly
I liked this when it was called “Entourage”.
There’s a beach in Ireland where all the Italian tourists hang out called Guid O’Beach.
I think you stepped on my dick there, Pauly.
I don’t see how, Jacktion!.
Those are two completely different jokes there….
Can I get a ruling?
Oh no, Vince got impregnated by an alien cat, I guess no movie.
Good news, Vince ain’t pregnant. Movies on.
*Points and screams at Los Angeles skyline*
Can I get a ruling?
4 inches, rock hard.
This isn’t a re-run of “Growing Up Gotti”?
I’d rather be sleeping on a banana hammock at Speedo Beach.
They have better pizza at Knead-o Beach.
Don’t get haughty there Vinky, you’re only a bridge, tunnel, a haircut, and 40 IQ points from being one of those creatures.
Guido Screech was sent to Mr. Belding’s office because he refused to wear a shirt.
Guess I’ll be pro-choice now…
In Hawai’i it’s called Mee Ho Iaha Beach.
Take it easy there, Crappy! These aren’t regular Jersey kids, these are the Shore Whores. They’re an entirely different breed.
What is that thing she’s leaning on? WHAT IS SHE LEANING OOOONNNN?!?!?!?!
Ok, not even joking here, but the 3 girls with those 2 guys at the 3 minute mark totally got raped. With the “They won’t leave us alone..uh hah…hah” and the “Look at these faces! Look at all these faces”. I know damn well when a girl is trying to send secret messages, all thanks to the decoder ring I got from a box of Froot Loops.
The water is especially salty at Frito
LayBeachIf you combine the last post with this one, every beach will be Meato Beach.
Jack!, could you please provide me with a geographical genomic/socialogical break down on the variations in the indiginous New Jersey guido populations? I would hate to offend with my ignorance.
If all the FilmDrunkards took a trip to there, would it be called Pedo Beach?
Wow. I was going to move there before I fled New York.
how did i miss this post. i mastered this dvd.
Yeah, well maybe you should’ve sent me this shit then. Knowing it might’ve been possible for me to hear about this earlier and I didn’t just makes me sad.