WEEKEND PREVIEW: THE WORST
07.24.09
Wow, there are some turkeys opening this week, folks. I’m going to continue to recommend Up, Anvil, and The Hurt Locker. Nonetheless, OPENING THIS WEEKEND:
The Ugly Truth
Katherine Heigl stars in an intelligence-insulting rom-com. If you’ve seen the orgasm scene and you’re still considering seeing this, congratulations, I hate you. Wanna save yourself 10 bucks? Just look at the two pictures above back and forth really fast as you gradually lose the will to live.
G-Force
Fart jokes in the trailer, y’all! Speaking of two pictures that communicate an entire movie, the best part of the press tour for this one was Nic Cage looking like this:
…while sitting next to this: 
Orphan
SECRET DWARF HOOKER!!! Need I say more? I actually kind of want to see this now. …Hold me.
In the Loop
I haven’t covered this one much because the trailer bugged the living hell out of me. But I’m told part of the reason for that is that the movie has an epic amount of swearing in it and is actually quite good. I can’t confirm that it’s good, but I love swearing. Check out this speech by Patton. Now there was a guy who could swear.
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Secret dwarf hooker? I am SO seeing this.
In that fake orgasm in the Heigl movie, Nic Cage is actually massaging her GFORCE-spot.
Secret dwarf hooker? Story of my wife.
I MEAN LIFE!! FUCK!
It’s The Ugly Bitch for me. Truth ? Never mind then.
Strangely enough, each of those first three movies have the same line in them by coincidence: “Poop in his hand! Poop in his hand!”
Now tell the truth, you visualized Heigl pinching off a loaf. That’s my movie review for “The Ugly Truth.”
“In the Poop” is where my penis will be this weekend.
Left banner pic: Oi! Oy wanna brick on your eyes!
Right banner pic: I just queefed chili. How does that even happen.
Well, later ya fucks. Get faced and puke in the neighors yard this weekend. I’m off to the Dodger game. Go Blue!
yo da ugly truth is tat dis guy be rippin of my boy tucker max, bein all rude and shit to women. he be trippin if he thinks dat he anythin like t money
Tucker Max? Is that a kind of tampon?
Seriously, if TKE is an alter of one of you fuckers, it’s getting fucking annoying.
(**half-cut and bitchy**)
A “Tucker Max” is when you can tuck your dick so far back that the tip of your dick can cover the top of the butt-crack.
I think a Tucker Max does more than cover, it fits right in.
I lost my virginity in Tucker Max. Got sent upstate for distributing crack to half-wit fraternity boys.
A “Tucker Max” is like a TJ Maxx, but for trannies and the frat boys who love them.
Which part of Yorkshire is TWONK4LIFE from? His syntax has a Wakefield twang to it.
The dwarf hooker went on a killing spree after being fired from BJ Maxx.
nice durst chino
nice durst bex
Nice durst Al.
Nice ass, Donk.
Nice Donk, ass
Mad ass, man.
Nice Czervik, Al.
I would rather have my scrotum punctured like in The Serpent and the Rainbow than see The Ugly Truth
The mere existence of shit like The Ugly Truth makes me angry. Goddammit, Hollywood, women want something other than cliche, predictable romantic comedies!!!
Also, Heigl is a hypocrite. This looks infinitely more offensive than Knocked Up could ever be.
*rallies behind attyBoo*
YEAH! WE ALSO WANT FULL FRONTAL WEINER SHOTS!!!
Long live Thelma and Louise!
Oh, wait….
I could’ve lived without the penis in Bruno.
I could’ve lived without the penis in Bruno.
Man, I knew he was committed to playing a gay man, but I didn’t know he was THAT committed.
In the wise words of Horton: a dong’s a dong, no matter how small.
This post is making me Dursty.
Welcome to my world, Chino.
Can I offer you a drink? I have some expired cream in the fridge.
There’s no electricity though, so it won’t be cold.
I’ll take any kind of licker. In a mooncup, please.
Nic Cage’s forehead looks noticeably smaller. Camera angle or the Power of Prayer?
im pretty sure those faces heigl and butler are making personify the way a man and a woman look when having buttsex