WEEKEND PREVIEW: EXPLOSIONS & BOOZE
07.03.09
Opening this weekend:
Public Enemies
Johnny Depp reportedly stopped talking to Michael Mann on the set because of his “chaotic” directing style, and chaotic was more or less what I said of the finished product. I didn’t think it was very good, but I don’t want to bash it too hard, because say what you will, at least it’s a movie aimed at adults and not a toy commercial. So see it, so they keep making these “types” of movies, just don’t expect to know who’s shooting at whom or why.
Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Oh yeah, this movie. Forgot about this one. I’m sure it’ll be a great movie to take the kids to, because in the trailer, a squirrel gets his chest waxed and tries to masturbate a buffalo, and it features dinosaurs during the ice age, which I’m sure won’t totally screw up their knowledge of history. It’s so hard to convince kids that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and dinosaurs were pets kept by Jesus these days.
I Hate Valentine’s Day
Yahoo says this movie is opening this weekend but I’m not sure in which cities, because on the distributor’s website, the links for release date are broken. Which I assume is because someone at IFC Films hates Nia Vardalos as much as I do. What is she even doing? Her idea of acting seems to be trying to look bitchy and surprised in every scene. And I will never, ever forgive the girl who made me sit through My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
NIA: “Then we eat lamb!”
JOHN CORBETT: “Mmm, with mint jelly?”
NIA: “Um… no.”
Get it???? He’s a wasp and she’s hilariously ethnic! Their cultural differences are a never-ending geyser of comedy!!
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How did you get a picture of my van hood?!
History is for assholes anyway.
Ten bucks says the idiot who forced you to watch Greek Wedding was just like the one who dragged me to it – Greek.
I went to Greek Wedding under the impression that I would get my rocks off if I went.
When we got home, she swept the gravel off our driveway.
geologist
This ice age movie will do worse things to science than the bible
/geologist
That will be all
Screw the lot of you. Anybody who actually has a Greek family thought it was goddamn hilarious. You don’t see me talking shit about Tyler Perry movies just because I don’t have a….
Fuck. Carry on.
I don’t know what the Iranians are bitching about–it’s not like they’ve had to endure two Nia Vardalos releases within a month of each other.
Nia Vardalos looks as if she smells like tzatziki sauce.
In Latvia, masturbating buffalos is still the most common method to wax your chest.
Nia Vardalos’ queefs smell like lemon juice, olive oil, and lamb.
Nia Vardalos has the face that launched a thousand shits
Nia Vardalos is the reason that so many people make gay jokes about Greek men.
Donk, sure you liked it, but you didn’t make all your Italian friends watch it, did you? It’s not like I’m forcing you to watch The Godfather JESUS CHRIST HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE SEEN THAT YET?!
I’d fuck Nia Vardalos only because I’d like to be able to cross “Greek Chick” off my to do list and she may be the least hairy Greek woman I’m likely ever to see.
Wait a fucking second. Donk hasn’t seen The Godfather?
Nia Vardalos does an awesome off-broadway one woman show of ‘Beauty and the Beast’. The transformation from Beauty to Beast is quite breathtaking (she turns around and faces the audience).
It’s ok, guys. I used to watch The Goodfeathers on Animaniacs all the fucking time. I think I get the concept.
I like to think that it is hilariously ethnic when I drive a lowrider to pick strawberries.
I wouldn’t fuck Nia Vardalos with a jackhammer.
I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when I catch myself washing a windshield.
I wouldn’t fuck Nia Vardalos with my hammer, either.
I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when someone asks for a knife and I actually have one on me.
I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when a tamale is, in fact, the only thing I unwrap during christmas.
I like to think it’s hilariously ethnic when I eat a potato.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when white people listen to Dave Matthews.
If Nia Vardalos and Yanni fucked, she’d give birth to a werewolf.
Why, is Yanni a Native American?
No, Nia Vardalos has a cock.
Nia Vardalos looks like Alec Baldwin when she misses a waxing appointment.
Seriously, try to watch Prelude to a Kiss without being mesmerized by Alec Baldwin’s chest hair.
I think it is hilariously ethnic when I put on my pancho and sombrero and take a siesta against a cactus.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when Pauly goes to Taco Bell to pay his phone bill.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I don’t get a speeding ticket.
Michael Bay is on his way to a tattoo shop to get the banner pic done on his back.
I think it is hilariously ethnic when I fuck someone else’s girlfriend or wife.
I think it is hilariously ethnic when under-qualified white men get the job I applied for.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when airport security leaves me alone.
I think it’s hilarously ethnic when I lock my car doors driving through low-income neighborhoods.
I think it’s hilarously ethnic when I miss the basketball hoop by a mile.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I order a cheeseburger at a Chinese restaurant.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I bring up Rocky Marciano in boxing conversations.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I get jiggy with it.
I find it hilariously ethnic when a black man dumps his black girlfriend for me as soon as he achieves success.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic every time I look at my crotch.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m singing a rap song loudly, but lower my voice to a whisper whenever they say “nigga”.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m able to catch a cab at any time of the day or night and in any neighborhood.
I thought those two illiterate Transformers were
hilariouslyethnic.I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I dont feel as if Michael Jackson passing is the loss of a national treasure.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I wring olive oil from my pillow cases.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that the only rap concerts I’d feel comfortable attending are the Beastie Boys or Eminem.
I think it;s hilariously ethnic that I feel Snow is too hardcore for me.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I call people from Honduras “Mexicans” and then don’t understand what the big deal is.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic how my blood pressure spikes when a black man passes me on the street at night.
(or in the daytime)
I don’t not think it’s hilariously ethnic when I correct people’s usage of double negatives.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I defend my racist jokes by pointing out that I have a friend who is black.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I never get any of your black or Mexican jokes.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when everyone at the beach asks me if I remembered to put sunscreen on.
Well, Jacktion, did you?
I’m inside. in front of a computer, Eib.
So… yes.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when spending time with my uncle means hanging out in front of The Home Depot
I would still fuck Gemma Atkinson’s body…even with the eagle head…ok, especially with the eagle head
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that salespeople never follow me around a department store.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that The Olive Garden is my favorite place to go for authentice Italian food.
I find it hilariously ethnic that I put an ‘e’ at the end of the word ‘authentic’
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I have never even laid eyes on a food stamp.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I know who the father of my children is.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that the same man fathered both of my children.
i think it’s hilariously ethnic
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I just pulled my coat tightly around me now that a Mexican showed up.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that Dub’s arrival reminded me that I need to get my lawn mowed.
i think it’s hilariously ethnic that i don’t know who MY father is
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that my choices for lunch right now as I walk out of the building are Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Szechuan, Vietnamese, Malaysian, sushi, or sashimi.
And I’m in an Italian neighbourhood.
i’m sorry Chino, did you pull your coat tightly around you because of me?
Did Vance take the rest of the afternoon off? Oh you guys have a celebration coming up, dontcha.
No, but I quickly crossed the street when I saw you coming toward me.
I think I’m hilarious
ly ethnic.lol, oh chino how ive missed thee.
i still dont find any of this hilariously ethnic guys. in fact, i find it unhilariously ethnic and am quite offended.
And at the same time, I automatically assumed that you’re incredibly smart at math, but horrible at driving.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic to worry about offending a minority.
I’m actually a decent driver but I can’t keep a beat to save my life.
thanks, al
:(
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I have one cat, one dog and 2.5 children.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that my 2 bedroom one bathroom house also happens to be my aunts house, uncle’s house, grandmother’s house and about 10 other relatives house.
So, I’m off to a dance contest. It’s going to be hilariously ethnic when I fail to even place.
I kid cuz I love, beaner.
**kisses**
Oh Chino, if only I could be as witty as you. Go dance you’re flat ass off!
dont you live in canada? how do you know about ‘beaner’?
that’s our secret code word.
Pauly and dubs had burritos for lunch. How do I know?
Hilariously, I can smell it on their breathnic.
there’s this place called ‘my moms kitchen’ that makes the best burritos known to man, jacktion. it is not a coincidence that pawly and i smell that way.
Wait, what’s Pauly doing in YOUR mom’s… ahhhh I see.
Wildlife Preservation Society Spokesman: For years, the population of the Spread Bald Eagle have been dwindling, particularly because of… perverted use by a mentally sick sect of Movie Blog Commenters.
Collective voice of the FilmDrunkards: What?
Wildlife Preservation Society SpokesMan: But, thanks to our great group’s efforts, we have managed to save the last of their kind. From her, and some sperm of the last male, we will be able save the species from extinction.
(Huge Applause, with a few audible comments along the lines of “I can provide the sperm if you need it” followed by air humping)
Let us celebrate this glorious occasion!
Lone Filmdrunkard: Well, when in Rome, do as the Romans do- Get drunk and buttfuck a stranger!
(Lone Filmdrunkard proceeds to pop the cork of a bottle of Champagne, which ricochets around the room, until it shoots its way down the throat of the last Spread Bald Eagle, chocking her to death. Silence consumes the audience. After about 10 seconds the silence is broken by…)
Collective Voice of the FilmDrunkards: Are you gonna use that?
(End with Awesome 80′s theme song (and corpse humping)
I think it is hilariously ethnic that I’ve been drunk since 10am.
I think that long tantric discovery journeys are hilariosly ethnic.
Also that spics steal and niggaz is lazy. That’s pretty funny too.
Seriously… who’s body is that under the bird head?
@ bane of trebeks existence
Yo Mama!
goodnight everybody.
Gemma Atkinson.
Oh my God, did you guys hear? Michael Jackson’s going on tour!
I see Al knows her boobs. I’m intrigued.
Actually, it was BiggieLaing who nailed it a couple pages ago, I only verified it through sexy lingerie research.
Um, I mean… I’m bi and horny, call me.
Lingerie or no lingerie, I would fuck that eagle.
BIRD RAPIST!!!
As an amateur ornithologist I can assure you that “eagle” is actually a Brown Breasted Bed Thrasher. They are supposedly quite common but unfortunately I haven’t seen one in the wild in years.
Chino, it’s only rape if you don’t buy dinner first. Or in this case, regurgitate dinner first.
Plus, look at what she’s wearing. She was asking for it.
That’s what happens when you leave your eggs exposed. Your nest is open for the plucking.
Eagle-Women spread their wings once a month.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when black guys faceplant on curbs.
I think it is hilariously ethnic that my back is wet.
I think it is hilariously ethnic that I jizz salsa.
I think it is hilariously ethnic that I tell white people that I got my tattoo teardrop from cutting onions.
I think it is hilarously ethnic when I end every sentence in “well”. Cause I’m Mexican, well.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that in reality, I can’t even stand the smell of maple syrup.
Good work, Al.
http://armchairtalkinghead.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/gemma-atkinson.jpg
and BiggieLaing
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I smoke pot on camping trips, get lost on the way back to my tent, and then claim I was really on a spirit walk.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that every sentence ends with “eh”. Even if it’s only implied.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I use a game of lacrosse as a distraction so that I may break in to your house and kill your family.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I ride a kangaroo to work, where I feed babies to dingoes all day.
Then I cook some prawns (NOT ‘shrimp’, no matter what Mick fucken Dundee says) on the barbie, all while fighting off giant snakes & spiders with a cricket bat in one hand and a can of Foster’s in the other.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I am portrayed by a Mexican in an old western.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m forced to walk to Texas.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m not allowed to apply for jobs in the 1920′s.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I fight with my fists pointing towards me.
I think it’s hilariously ethnic that my midget cousin has people chasing after his pot o’ gold.
I think it’s vicariously ethnic when I pretend to be Scottish.
I think it’s precariously ethnic when I announce that I do not enjoy the company of negroes.
My siblings and I were all adopted, and we’re variously ethnic.
I think Mr Bird, the former Celtics player, is hiLarryously unethnic.
I think it is nefariously ethnic when I steal your wallet.
When my Georgian ex-girlfriend’s father held that shotgun to my back, I thought it was marry-us-ly ethnic.
I think it’s gregariously ethnic when I yell “G’day, mate!” at every single person I see on the street.
I think Captain Kirk’s middle name is Tiberiusly ethnic.
I think it’s underweariously ethnic when I wear my thongs on my feet.
I think the fact that all mermaids are born in late January and early February is Aquariusly ethnic.
I think the fact that Italians make the best violins is Stradivariusly ethnic.
I think the fact that Steve McNair got shot for fuckin around on his wife b the woman that he ws fuckin around on his wife with is embarrassingly ethnic. For Negroes.
I think it’s Koko B. Ware-iously ethnic when I take a macaw everywhere I go.
I think the song Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves is Cher-iously ethnic.
Jack Handey thinks the fact that his Uncle Caveman was an ursine beast to be bear-iously ethnic.
I think the fact that my family prefers meat to be undercooked is rare-iously ethnic.
Is Emo an ethnicity? Because those kids are despair-iously ethnic!
I think snooty Frenchmen are Mon Frere-iously ethnic.
I think it’s Chicago World’s Fair-iously ethnic to hire Nikola Tesla instead of Thomas Edison.
I think it’s carry-ously ethnic that black football players get to run with the ball the most.
The kids in the “Last Train to Awesometown” video are Parry-ously ethnic.
I think it’s swear-iously ethnic to fuck cunt shit.
He was born black and looked white but it turned out Michael Jackson was anesthetically ethnic.
I think it’s Harry-ously ethnic that a Greek guy played Sasquatch in that John Lithgow movie.
I think thin black women with big asses are pear-iously ethnic.
I think Marc Summers’ OCD problem is Double Dare-iously ethnic.
I think hairy Italian bowlers are spare-iously ethnic.
I think Neil Diamond’s hatred of immigrants is Cherry, Cherry-ously ethnic.
Kevin Spacey can deny it all he wants but I think he is fairyiously ethnic.
I think that Snausages are the best tasting doggie treats.
I think that old white folks folk dancing is four-squareioiusly ethnic.
I think it’s dairy-ously ethnic that my whole family is lactose intolerant.
If I didn’t know better I’d say that dog in your avatar wishes he had a funnel cake.
I think it’s wary-ously ethnic when my sister locks the car doors and rolls up the windows when she sees a black person.
I think it’s blare-iously ethnic that I can hear black people’s car stereos from 3 miles away.
I think the makers of Altoids are curiously ethnic.
I think Mentos are refreshingly ethnic.
I find black peoples car stereos to be too bassically ethnic.
I think British soccer stars screwing their kids’ nannies is au pair-iously ethnic.
What’s Sarah Jessica Parker’s ancestry? She looks old mare-iously ethnic.
I think waitresses in shitty franchise restaurants who wear loud buttons & badges are flair-iously ethnic.