07.03.09 WEEKEND PREVIEW: EXPLOSIONS & BOOZE

How did you get a picture of my van hood?!

History is for assholes anyway.

Ten bucks says the idiot who forced you to watch Greek Wedding was just like the one who dragged me to it – Greek.

I went to Greek Wedding under the impression that I would get my rocks off if I went.

When we got home, she swept the gravel off our driveway.

geologist

This ice age movie will do worse things to science than the bible

/geologist

That will be all

Screw the lot of you. Anybody who actually has a Greek family thought it was goddamn hilarious. You don’t see me talking shit about Tyler Perry movies just because I don’t have a….

Fuck. Carry on.

I don’t know what the Iranians are bitching about–it’s not like they’ve had to endure two Nia Vardalos releases within a month of each other.

Nia Vardalos looks as if she smells like tzatziki sauce.

In Latvia, masturbating buffalos is still the most common method to wax your chest.

Nia Vardalos’ queefs smell like lemon juice, olive oil, and lamb.

Nia Vardalos has the face that launched a thousand shits

Nia Vardalos is the reason that so many people make gay jokes about Greek men.

Donk, sure you liked it, but you didn’t make all your Italian friends watch it, did you? It’s not like I’m forcing you to watch The Godfather JESUS CHRIST HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE SEEN THAT YET?!

I’d fuck Nia Vardalos only because I’d like to be able to cross “Greek Chick” off my to do list and she may be the least hairy Greek woman I’m likely ever to see.

Wait a fucking second. Donk hasn’t seen The Godfather?

Nia Vardalos does an awesome off-broadway one woman show of ‘Beauty and the Beast’. The transformation from Beauty to Beast is quite breathtaking (she turns around and faces the audience).

It’s ok, guys. I used to watch The Goodfeathers on Animaniacs all the fucking time. I think I get the concept.

I like to think that it is hilariously ethnic when I drive a lowrider to pick strawberries.

I wouldn’t fuck Nia Vardalos with a jackhammer.

I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when I catch myself washing a windshield.

I wouldn’t fuck Nia Vardalos with my hammer, either.

I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when someone asks for a knife and I actually have one on me.

I like to think it is hilariously ethnic when a tamale is, in fact, the only thing I unwrap during christmas.

I like to think it’s hilariously ethnic when I eat a potato.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when white people listen to Dave Matthews.

If Nia Vardalos and Yanni fucked, she’d give birth to a werewolf.

Why, is Yanni a Native American?

No, Nia Vardalos has a cock.

Nia Vardalos looks like Alec Baldwin when she misses a waxing appointment.

Seriously, try to watch Prelude to a Kiss without being mesmerized by Alec Baldwin’s chest hair.

I think it is hilariously ethnic when I put on my pancho and sombrero and take a siesta against a cactus.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when Pauly goes to Taco Bell to pay his phone bill.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I don’t get a speeding ticket.

Michael Bay is on his way to a tattoo shop to get the banner pic done on his back.

I think it is hilariously ethnic when I fuck someone else’s girlfriend or wife.

I think it is hilariously ethnic when under-qualified white men get the job I applied for.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when airport security leaves me alone.

I think it’s hilarously ethnic when I lock my car doors driving through low-income neighborhoods.

I think it’s hilarously ethnic when I miss the basketball hoop by a mile.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I order a cheeseburger at a Chinese restaurant.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I bring up Rocky Marciano in boxing conversations.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I get jiggy with it.

I find it hilariously ethnic when a black man dumps his black girlfriend for me as soon as he achieves success.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic every time I look at my crotch.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m singing a rap song loudly, but lower my voice to a whisper whenever they say “nigga”.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I’m able to catch a cab at any time of the day or night and in any neighborhood.

I thought those two illiterate Transformers were hilariously ethnic.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic that I dont feel as if Michael Jackson passing is the loss of a national treasure.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic when I wring olive oil from my pillow cases.

I think it’s hilariously ethnic that the only rap concerts I’d feel comfortable attending are the Beastie Boys or Eminem.