07.21.09 TYLER PERRY PRESENTS: ‘UM, WHAT?’
A new poster and trailer were just released for Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself. The poster is a reference (a reference noted in the studio’s press release, mind you) to Straw Dogs, a 1971 Sam Peckinpah film in which a guy takes brutal revenge on the townies who gang raped his woman. Which makes total sense* when you consider that I Can Do Bad All by Myself looks like a hackneyed redemption story starring a sassy old black woman in drag.
The strategy in the trailer, meanwhile, seems to be throwing a bunch of incongruous elements of a movie together – single mother struggalin ta make ends meet, down-on-his-luck handyman, sass-throwin old lady who’s really a man – then bringing them all together with an earnest piano track and references to Jesus. If Tyler Perry had directed Ace Ventura, Ace would be wrestling the dolphin, then there’d be that dramatic cymbal crash thingie, and next thing you know he’d be teaching the kids to pray while talking out of his butt cheeks. “Go ahead, children, ass Jesus a question.” Tyler Perry movies are weirder than Norwegian porno.
*It doesn’t make sense
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TYLER PERRY PRESENTS: ‘UM, WHAT?’
You can’t do a record scratch in Tyler Perry movie trailers because the audience expects dance music to follow.
There’s nothing weird about Norwegian porn.
**turns off camera, quietly slides armada and lutefisk under bed**
Next movie title – Madea Needs To Be Put Down
“I Can Do Bad All By Myself” is what Michael Jackson told his mother when she said he should be nicer to his brothers in 1989.
Tagline: Madea is falling BAD
sho’nuff!
“Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
Madea looks like Mace Windu’s mother.
At least Perry isn’t ripping off my favorite porno Raw Dogs (in the poop shoot)
Tell me who I can take revenge on for the brutal gang rape of Tyler Perry projects to which I have been victim. That would make the poster make total sense.
I prefer the story of a guy who gets drunk and goes out trolling for MILFs in I Can do M.A.D.D. All by Myself.
This movie is going to be a piece of shit.
He should change his name to Dingle Perry.
“What about the brief case? You forgot the brief case! I’m going home! So clear a path, you motherfuckers! Clear a path! I’M GOING HOME!”
Or a story about a young aspiring designer “I Can Do CAD* All By Myself”.
*if you get that, you’re a geek
If it’s one thing I hate at my cocaine mirror, it’s straw hogs.
Listen, Mr. Kansas Straw Dog. Straw don’t go around here. Savvy?
The story of Soon-Yi’s estrangement from Mia Farrow: “I Can Do Dad All By Myself”.
Or a story about boy obsessed with fucking his father: “I Can Do Dad* All By Myself”.
*I’m sure you’ve all thought about it at one time or another.
Angelina to Jennifer Aniston: “I Can Do Brad All by Myself.”
Whooops. Sorry bout the dick-step.
The Legend of Cockpuncher: “I Can Doom Nads All by Myself.”
The story of a man who still uses outdated slang: “I can say Rad all by myself”
Amelia Earhart: “I Can Fly Bad All By Myself.”
Well, in a world where the leader of the free nation has to listen to critics of his blue jeans, I am glad to say at least Tyler Perry is trying to do something decent. I don’t know if you all heard about them daycamp kids that got turned away from a pool for “safety reasons (ie, they were black or hispanic), but Tyler Perry is paying for those children to go to Disneyland.
So, fuck it. Perry gets a pass in my book. He makes these ridiculously shitty movies that millions flock to like idiots, but at least he’s giving SOMETHING back.
The story of an impaling fetishist: “I Can Do Vlad All By Myself”
The story of a jealous pederast: “I can do the lad all by myself”
The story of a depressed guy that just wants to be alone: “I can do sad all by myself”
The story of the peace corps: “I can feed Chad all by myself”
“I Can Do Stag All By Myself” was the theme to my prom.
A loner suicide bomber: “I can Jihad All by Myself.”
The only Tyler Perry project I’m interested in is the one called Aerosmith.
I practically masturbated to that poster because I am literally dying to punch Tyler Perry in his Madea costume right in his stupid multi millionaire eye.
The George Lucas biopic: I Can Chew Cat All By Myself.
I Can Do Bad All By Myself sounds like something I really don’t want to hear in the change room at Senior Swim.
The story of a new IKEA customer – “I Need a Blorg-Staad or I Can’t Build This Shelf”
The story of a girls first period: “I can put in the pad all by myself”
The story of the Tickle Me Elmo: “I can start a fad all by myself”
The Angelina Jolie biopic: “I can do Brad all by myself”
The story of a lonely Scottsman: “I can do plaid all by myself”
The Jamie Kennedy biopic: “I can do B-Rad all by myself”
The story of Rotwangchung when his student becomes fair game: “I can do the grad all by myself”
The story of Straw Dogs: “I can do this really hot chick in the butt while my friend holds her down”
The story of my right hand: “I can do mad all by myself”
“I Can Do Bad All By Myself” is actually a Documentary about Tyler Perry’s career.
I Can Do Drag By Myself: The Tyler Perry biopic.
[walks up to mic, clears throat]
Ellen DeGeneres putting on a fund raiser called I can be GLAAD all by myself.
he sushi cheif stated that he could cut scad all by himself.
The Bikini Atoll native said, I can do rads all by myself.
Story of a NAMBLA member (teehee), I can do tads all by myself.
The story of a retarded kid learning math: “I can do add all by myself”
An Al Queda members coming of age road trip romcom, I’ll get to Riyadh all by myself.
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