DA STAF’ ‘AS A NEW PROJECT, INNIT
07.13.09Jason Statham is in “final negotiations” with Lionsgate to star in Blitz, a cop thriller, opposite Paddy Considine in an adaptation of a book by Ken Bruen. Says Booklist (via Amazon):
Most of the hard-charging cops from The White Trilogy are back–Sergeant Brant, Chief Inspector Roberts, Police Constable Falls–along with a couple of late arrivals, Sergeant Porter Nash and PC McDonald. Slogging their way through a London unrecognizable from postcards, it’s a wonder any of them have survived both criminal mayhem and their own self-destructive impulses. A cop killer dubbed “The Blitz” is wreaking havoc with a hammer, and as the tale rockets forward, the characters find themselves engaged in unlikely alliances: homophobe Brant with openly gay Nash; suddenly supercompetent Roberts with screw-up McDonald; and the black Falls with “Metal,” a racist skinhead.
Oi, Staf heah. Dey’s changed da fock’n story a bit from dis, cos when da Staf does a movie, cunts’d be well woise to play to da Staf’s particula strenfs, donnit. Roight. So den in dis version, Oi play da skin’ead, Metal, on accoun’ a moy ‘airstoyle, an’ cos “Metal” is a fock’n flash name, innit. Den we changed da black fella to a fit bird oi’s knobbin, dis Ukranian model wif a well toight kit. Den we changed Sergeant Nash to a shoiny sazz wagon, cos da Stafe can’t very well knob a fit bird wiffout a sazz wagon ta do it on, now can Oy? Cunts. Den dey changed Sergeant Brant to da Staf’s boiceps, an’ PC McDonald to da Staf’s shir’, derefore, McDonald is no longa in da fock’n movie, now is dey. So oo does dat leave? Roight, da Chief Inspecta. As for da ‘Chief Inspecta,’ Oy fink Oy kin leave dat to you’s cunts imaginations, can’t Oy. Let’s just say in dis version, da ‘Chief Inspecta’ spends a lotta toime wif da black fella, donnit.


Meanwhile, Val Kilmer wants to star in ‘Blintz’, a more real-to-life cop drama.
If you were to show me a movie called ‘Blitz’ that was part of “The White Trilogy”, I’d say that there’s some Eagles or Packers fan out there writing homoerotica about pushing through 300-pound men to get a sack.
I’m so drunk.
Sergeant Brant, Chief Inspector Roberts, Police Constable Falls–along with a couple of late arrivals, Sergeant Porter Nash and PC McDonald
Sounds like they pulled these names off the cast list from some Disney cop show.
PC McDonald
Is the love child of the I’m a Mac and I’m a PC guys.
Paddy Considine is in a movie called ‘Le Donk and Scor-zay-zee’
I’m fucking sold.
The cops are fucked when they have to learn to effectively use a West Coast offense to thwart this guy.
There’s a very sweet dance scene in this movie until the man in the back goads everybody into violence.
They left out the part where he’ll be inexplicably shirtless during every action scene.
It’ll be like Hot Cops, only with more yelling and punching.
Of course, it didn’t have to happen like that. If only the girl in the corner had been quicker getting to the Stath…
elleo-If you liked Donnie Darko, you most likely will not like S Darko. Just imagine the good stuff from Donnie Darko getting ass raped (the bad way).
Jason’s movie titles are getting smaller and less descriptive. “Snatch”, “Transporter”, “War”, “Crank”…stay tuned for Stath’s next flick “Duh”
Please tell me that S Darko didn’t ruin Sparkle Motion.
Patty, The Mighty Feklahr doubts the movie’s commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Tell me again why you’re running a Nolte twitter instead of a Statham one?
Soooo…am I the only guy here into Donnie Darko, or what? Yeah, well fuck you, That makes him the rooster in the henhouse! THIS COCK BE FIXIN TA DO SOME PECKIN’!
Fek, I like Donnie Darko, but I don’t LIKE LIKE Donnie Darko.
Fag.
Is nothing sacred?! DAMN YOU, HOLLYWOOD. *shakes fist toward the west coast*
Da Stafe is a little too verbose to be limited to 140 characters.
You’d think that Statham would just beat the 140 character limit into submission.