A couple weeks ago while writing up a Forgotten Classics post about 2001′s Most Vertical Primate, I accidentally happened upon THE BEST TWO-SECOND PERFORMANCE IN ALL OF CINEMA.  Through the magic of the internet, I was able to both identify and make contact with that performer, only hours later.  That performer is Canadian comedian Aubrey Tennant, and this is our interview.  We discuss monkeys’ distaste for blondes, dissing Anna Faris, and Aubrey’s motto: “No pain, no monkeys scoring goals.”  Enjoy:

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VINCE M.: Okay, so who are you? (And don’t be offended by this part, I mean, I know you played “Underwear Norseman” in Scary Movie but the ignorant lay person needs some background info).  How did you come to be involved with Most Vertical Primate?

AUBREY T.: I think this clip says everything about me. In 2000 I started working as an extra with some friends from high school. We were really into skateboarding and Tom Green and we wanted to cause as much trouble as we possibly could.  My first job was on the set of Scary Movie. We caused so much trouble, even mocking Keenan Ivory Wayans, that he asked me to do a speaking role as the Underwear Norseman.  Once I was given this endorsement there was no stopping me.

I did as much extra work as possible and stole as many scenes as I could. A few movies where I have other 2-second roles include; 40 Days and 40 Nights, starring me and Josh Hartnett, Stark Raving Mad starring me and Sean William Scott, Scary Movie starring me and Anna Faris, and Anti-Trust starring me and Ryan Philippe, just to name a few. The TV shows in which you can see me for two seconds include several episodes of Stargate SG-1, starring me and Macgyver, Higher Ground, starring me and Hayden Christiansen — my 2-second role in that is of a gay man touching the butt of another gay man — and Smallville, starring me and some no namers.

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VINCE M.: I noticed you didn’t even make it onto Most Vertical Primate‘s IMDB page.  How is it they had the balls not to credit the best performance of the movie?  Were they worried about offending that prima donna of a chimp after you overshadowed him in the trailer?

AUBREY T.:  He may be uptight, but that ‘prima donna of a chimp’ is the reason you get to see me punching the air and flopping my long neck back and forth. Be careful.

VINCE M.: Pff, I thumb my nose at the lower primates. Now, tell us a little about that air punching maneuver.  Is that something you’d practiced?  Something you do often?  Was it totally off the cuff?  Because I’ve gotta tell you, it’s impressive.  Getting that much movement on your head while hitting a pretend speed bag with your fists at the same time… that sh*t is hard.  At least 10 times harder than rubbing your tummy and patting your head.  I tried it a few times but it just shook up my inner ear and I’d fall down.

AUBREY T.: Entertainment feeds off of sacrifice. No pain, no monkeys scoring goals. Plus, I have the dexterity of an android octopus bartender from a Disney movie. That air punch is nothing. Seriously. I can gallop like a horse, drop it like it’s hot, light my nipples on fire, and air punch all SIMULTANEOUSLY. I’m really f*cking talented, you know.

VINCE M.: Any good stories from the Most Vertical Primate set?  I hear Richard Karn [MVP star and Home Improvement's Al Borland] likes to choke himself while he masturbates.  And people say dude will storm off the set if anyone so much as hums “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon.  Which becomes a problem because everyone gets it stuck in their head.  It’s a catchy ass song.

AUBREY T.: Apparently in the chimp in the MVP series hates blonde women. There were no blondes on set that day. If anyone looked blond-ish at all they were moved to the back of the crowd, which is totally opposite of being on set of the ‘Chris Isaak Show’ (who once kicked me off his set for dancing inappropriately. I stole one of his combs too). But, no blondes. They told us a lot of chimps freak out around blondes and it wasn’t weird or anything. Yeah right. Weirdo chimp.

VINCE M.: Did you ever meet or see Seltzer or Friedberg on the Scary Movie set?  No one seems to have any stories about those guys.  They’re very mysterious.  They’re like the Abominable Snow Man of hacks.  Hacksquatch, say.

AUBREY T.: I was pretty young. I didn’t know who anyone was on set other than Keenan Ivory Wayans. Anna Faris was still a nobody too and one time my friend and I were hanging out with her after lunch and she made a pass at him. We laughed at her right to her face because we thought he was out of her league and didn’t care about her feelings because she was a star. We had a rule that anyone who is a lead should be treated like crap because everyone is always kissing their ass, and being treated like crap would be a pleasant change. Makes sense.

VINCE M.: What are you up to these days?  Did MVP do anything for your career?   Did you do any other movies with that same company?  Again, any good stories?  Did any of the animals ever try to rip anyone’s face and/or genitals off?  I hear that happens with Nic Cage sometimes.  He stole Kathleen Turner’s chihuahua once, you know.  At least, that’s what she says.  From the looks of her, people don’t steal much from Kathleen Turner these days.  Nothing edible, anyway.

AUBREY T.: MVP got me an interview with the best movie blog in the USA. Oh yeah, and it got me a 2-second part on the MTV 2gether video about kleptomaniacs. Remember that group? They weren’t that funny. But I’m the nerd in the glasses throughout and at the end I even ask them if I can join the band. I wrecked that video. Word.  Oh yeah, I guess its boring to mention that the ‘Whitest Kids U’Know’ of the ‘Whitest Kids U’Know’ fame let me take over their live comedy show at pianos when they were all done with it?

VINCE M.: Yes, yes it is.  I see it was only six hours or so after I posted the first clip that you commented on it.  How did you find it?

AUBREY T.: A friend posted it on my Facebook page. Another person who feels I deserve to be celebrated. I wish I could be the person who is hired on hundreds of movies as the guy who is on it for two seconds. The ‘Where’s Waldo’ of cinematography, if you will.

VINCE M.: Now that you’ve seen it, do you like my blog?  Does the green make my words look fat?

AUBREY T.: I love your blog. I like blogs where there are a lot of commenters. Especially if I’m blogged about. I’m happy to be on it. Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we can turn the air punch thing into a chat abbreviation like LOL. ’2SP’ or something. Monkey Punching.