I first reported the development of a Smurfs movie a couple months ago, a planned live-action/CGI mix a lá Alvin and the Chipmunks (or Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakwel). Today, bat-like EW correspondent Michael Ausiello uncovered some more news about the plot from a casting call, and it doesn’t sound at all like the Smurfs I remember. Here are the roles being cast:
SOPHIE: A pre-teen girl who possesses enormous smarts and great imagination, but who is socially and physically clumsy. She discovers that the doll her dad brought home from Belgium is actually a living, breathing Smurf. And not just any Smurf — Clumsy Smurf! Sophie tries to get her mom and dad to embrace Clumsy as a member of the family, but ultimately realizes what he really wants is to reunite with his fellow Smurfs.
SAM: Sophie’s 15-year-old brother. He’s a good kid, but has a tendency to be difficult and withdrawn. He gets involved in helping Clumsy return home and, as a result, bonds with his sister.
What the hell? So instead of Smurf village we get two special-needs retards and E.T.? Unless they cast Charley the Retarded Cat as Sophie and include a dance party scene set in McDonald’s, I’m not interested. (But seriously though, a cat with poor motor skills plus a Smurf plus a dance party at McDonald’s? This needs to happen).
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Gee, I wonder if Clumsy Smurf will knock over a vase. Smurf this movie.
:::please please please make this a short film where Sam shows Clumsy Smurf where his dad hides the gun:::
They’d be a lot more apt to accept him if Clumsy Smurf stopped “accidentally” falling into the bathroom door while her mom was trying to shower.
I would make Smurfette Gargamel my diiiiiiiiiiick!
*record scratch* RANDY RANDY RANDY
I fucking hate Hollywood. And not just for making Twilight anymore.
This is what the plot of Gremlins would have been if Gizmo were a eunuch.
werewas.Judging by the dark pixels I’m guessing Smurfette’s drapes don’t match the carpet.
Oh, boy. More creepy, second-rate CGI creatures.
And that tattoo reminds me of the Smurfs discussion from Donnie Darko.
This movie is going to be Encino Man without all the brilliant, biting social commentary.
jake gyllenhaal hates this idea
I liked this better when it was called Lars and the Real Girl. Doll fucking = awesome.
You had me at Belgium.
I promise to see this six times if Terrence Howard plays, not just voices, Azriel.
Sounds like “Mac & Me”?
Shame it wasn’t more like “Marley & Me”, with all the little blue smurf’s stomach’s bursting at the end.
Oh…and hey, sorry if I fucked up the dog movie for you. My bad.
My Dad went to Belgium and all I got was a week of not being touched in my bathing suit areas.
I assumed the dark pixels were her dick. That’s her Smurf basketball and her Smurf dick, one’s for dunking and the others for sucking. Well, at least that’s the Smurf movie I saw (in a flip book I drew).
The real reason Sam is so difficult and withdrawn is because his dad brought him home Sodomy Snork.
It would be cool to have Will Smith introduce this movie by saying WELCOME TO SMEARFF!!
Sophuckingretarded.
A pre-teen girl who possesses enormous smarts
That just means she got her tits early.
Here is the un-censored tatoo, but I warn you. There are somethings that are better left unknown. You’ve been warned.
[tattoo.about.com]
Why stop here as long as we’re throwing well-established characters into cookie-cutter plots into which they don’t fit? Let’s have Lassie join Juliard and learn that the magic comes from within. How about the Fonz as a retard in a coming-of-age tearjerker? No, wait…I’ve fucking got it. You get Fat Albert & the Gang starring in a remake of ‘Birth of a Nation’.
This is bullshit.
She’s clearly prepping herself for her next performance of the ping pong ball trick. With a basketball.
Clumsy Smurf lost all of his fingers in various accidents so now he’s all thumbs.
Clumsy Smurf’s arch enemy is Banana Peel Smurf.
Clumsy Smurf is exiled when the YouTube clip of him fucking Sophie’s old Cabbage-Patch Kid hits the old village.
Sophie: “Hello, Papa.”
Papa Smurf: “It’s ‘Daddy’, you Smurfhead! Where’s my bourbon?”
I just blue myself.
Did we ever determine what makes that Smurfette “nasty”? I demand a de-pixelated version!
“…what makes that Smurfette “nasty”?
Answer: Vince’s photoshop skills.
Sophie learns he’s not a doll by finding out that when she pulls his string, he yells “Ouch! That’s my fucking dick you psycho bitch!”
Interrogation Smurf: “Number 1, step Smurfward.”
Smurfney: “Smurf me the keys, you Smurfing Smurfsmurfer.”
Interrogation Smurf: “Number 2, step Smurfward.”
McSmurfus: “Smurf me the Smurfing keys, you Smurfing Smurfsmurfing mothersmurfer, aaarrrghh.”
Interrogation Smurf: “Knock it off. Get back. Number 3, step Smurfward.”
Smurfster: [laughing] “Smurf me the keys, you Smurfsmurfer.”
Interrogation Smurf: “In Smurfish, please?”
Smurfster: “Exsmurf me?”
Interrogation Smurf: “In Smurfish.”
Smurfster: “Smurf me the Smurfing keys, you Smurfsmurfer, what the Smurf?”
THE USUAL SMURFSPECTS. COMING SOON TO A PRE-TEEN GIRL’S IMAGINATION NEAR YOU.
Nice Smurfst, Guy.
I didn’t shop that picture, I actually didn’t realize it was a shop job until you found the original.
The basketball seemed out of context so I had to look for the original. It was either that or do actual work and it is Monday.
I bet you Nasty Smurfette’s vagine has globe-trotted.
Her snatch repeatedly draws foul calls for double dribbling.
Nasty Smurfette’s vagina smells technically foul.
I can Artest to that.
Kobe denies raping Nasty Smurfette – he said he just felt a little blue.
The Smurfette Shocker: one in the stink, two in the blue.
Nasty Smurfette also takes it in the back court.
Nasty Smurfette will get your post up and your tip off.
Nasty Smurfette left me with blue balls.
Nasty Smurfette encourages inside penetration.
Has anyone ever seen Tara Reid and Nasty Smurfette in the same room?
I tried courting Nasty Smurfette but I caught her in the shower with a bunch of tall black guys.
(sorry, that’s the extent of my basketball knowledge.)
Nasty Smurfette is a natural blue but she dyes her hair Meadowlark Lemon.
Nasty Smurfette once got raped by Kobe Bryant but she didn’t report it. (because she’s nasty)
Nasty Smurfette likes to palm balls while she is travelling.
Q. What’s blue, rhymes with “vet” and gives bad head?
A. Jango Fett.
Nasty Smurfette wants your “Center” to “penetrate the paint”.
A 20 something chick (about a 8 of 10) falls for a 40 something fat vampire that falls alot. The catch? Cant reproduce because as we all know vampire and humans spawn only 2 things: zombies (fullgrown running kind in litters of 100) or Dustin Diamond (again fullgrown in litters of 100). But there is a planet where these two can produce a semi-normal child who grows up to be the religious prophet of the sand planet and can ride sandworms and such. (sandworms being zombies is optional to set up trilogy) Coming to theaters: Paul Blart: Vampire or Paul Blart and the twilight dune
I’d smurf the smufin’ smurf out of her.