07.01.09 KATHERINE HEIGL SUCKS AT ORGASMS

I’m convinced Katherine Heigle has never had an orgasm and was really just acting based on what her slutty friend said it was like.

This is soooo lame. Chicks can’t orgasm!

Hate all you want, but I’d be more than happy to help her find out if she can have an orgasm from anal, Donk.

Hey, J. I hate lots of things that I would stick my dick into. Katherine Heigl… Avril Lavigne… my neighbor’s Shar Pei… Sugar-free pudding….

*writes sugar-free pudding on grocery list*

Oh, hey Donk. Does tapioca make it feel better? You know, like little genital warts beads for texture?

She couldn’t act hot if I set her on fire.

I’d still hate fuck her. A2M . . . like you needed to ask.

Yeah Crappy, I missed it in the last thread. That’s what his t-shirt says.

Tapioca is the only kind I like, J. I just can’t get into chocolate and I’m afraid that the rice pudding is going to chop my dick off someday.

Blah blah blah snarky joke about where I point out the inappropriateness of a child getting her off by making up a story about a child getting me off, etc, etc, I still jerked it to this.

Rice pudding is OK because it knows all those Ancient Chinese Sex Secrets.

What?

Oski, if you’re not even going to try to make a joke about molesting children, then I’m not sure we can be friends.

I fake orgasms by throwing a 44oz ThirstBuster cup full of heated yogurt on Chodin’s back. He still thinks I jizz blueberries.

Wait, I thought you jizzed strawberry banana? WTF?

I’ll give it the old college try: A Rabbi, and Minister, and Priest walk into a bar. Wait, the Priest wasn’t there, he was too busy molesting an altar boy.

Gerard Butlers line: “Fuck, I’d rather dine in hell.”

Let me just say this. If a woman that good looking had an orgasm at the table with me, you could bet you ass that I’d have my dick in my hand before her tongue warmed up.

I’m wiff cocaine JHC on this one.

See, I get to thinking about jerking it in a restaurant and I lose my spelling and grammar skills.

I’d get up and give her the Heigl Maneuver.

lyDan-That post really resonated with the part of Him* that wants to set Heigl on fire.

(*His living soul, and dick)

*we now bring you “When Pauly Met Sally” which is already in progess…*

[enter diner]

Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Pauly: Well, aint no bitch has to fake it with your boy.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Pauly: Because I know, bitch.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. That’s right. I forgot. You’re a man.
Pauly: What in the fuck was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.
Pauly: So you faked it with me, hoe?
Sally Albright: Maybe….

[begins to moan, fakes orgasm]

Sally Albright: See….
Pauly: Oh yeah, bitch……[Pauly begins to grunt..] Oh Fuck YEAH! [Grunts get louder] OH SHIT! [Pauly squirts mayo all over Sally’s face] See, told ya.

Older Male Customer: [to waiter] I’ll have what that fat beaner is having.

I have magic underwear, too. They disappear every time I log onto FilmDrunk.

Kinda like your inhibitions and better judgement? Kewl.

Chino-it took every ounce of His self-restraint not to detonate that comment of yours to “Supernova”.