07.09.09 HAWK JONES IS AN 8-YEAR-OLD PRIVATE DICK

So does nobody remember Bugsy Malone? 1976? Kids playing Gangsters? Jodie Foster? Scott Baio? Nobody?

they had fucking peddle cars and guns that fired pies and I think they sang too but singings gay so I don’t remember that.

“Hawk Jones” sounds like a depraved sex act. That, with the rest of the header, was enough to get me to read the story.

I’m not going to lie. I was a little disappointed.

This totally makes up for the Angela Lansbery sex post yesterday Vince

Hollywood: Oh hey what’s this? This looks pretty good…*chomp* *chomp* *chomp*

10 HOURS LATER
Hollywood: Oh GOD…bLAAARRGGHHHH…
(Cut to Cop and a Half floating in the bowl, with chunks of Burt Reynolds speckled in)

Also…where can I buy this…is that weird?

Was that Pointdexter with an uzi? I. Just. Came.

@Fleck

EverythingisTerrible mentioned Bugsy Malone in their original post – I didn’t want to go there.

That mob goon called a Hawk Jones “Boy” and they actually video tapped it! This is perhaps the best worst thing I’ve ever seen. I’m offended and amused.

“You know your life’s hit rock bottom when you’re drinking Sunny D at your desk at 10 AM. Well, there I was, halfway to the bottom of my first bottle of the day, when she walked in. She was pretty enough Dame, looked like one of them American Girl dolls- Susy or something like that. I dunno, I avoid them dames anyway- got me a case of the cooties back in ‘32, not looking to pick that up again. Anyway, this dame comes in my office, shes ’smokin’ Popeye’s, and I can’t help but notice- this was a dame who’d lost her dolly, the worst kind. The dames who come in looking for me to find their dolls, they’re the ones with the cooties- I had to be careful, but then, I also needed lunch money to pay off the local bully and keep my teeth another day…”

This reminds me of Encyclopedia Brown choking a bitch in The Case of the Missing Stash. I solved that one on page 5.

“Forget it, Jake. Its Legoland”

8-YEAR-OLD PRIVATE DICK

I thought we were done with the Michael Jackson jokes.

“Who’s the black private dick whose a sex machine to all the 8 year old chicks?”

“HAWK!”

“Nope, still talkin’ bout Shaft.”

“Ewwww…”

My personalized plate says H. JOBS.

This is pretty much the reason that I volunteer with the Boys & Girls Club, except with much less nudity.

I’m used to my 8-year olds having white mustaches.

You can ride all day long (Hawk Jones)
But you’ll never catch Mr. Jones (Hawk Jones)

What a coincidence, I usually tell 8-year olds to keep my dick private.

Finally, we find out who took the cookies from the cookie jar.

I really hope Nic Cage is watching these kids and taking notes.

I liked this when it was called “Cop and a Half” with Burt Reynolds and his mustache.

Dammit Pauly! I already made a Cop and a Half reference.
*Points to Lance Armstrong’s Crotch*
There! Have another!

Hawk Jones: I’ll take down those mobster bastards… right after nap time.

I bought this movie because of this post.

Best decision of my life.