JAKE GYL BANGS DEAD BROTHER’S WIFE
07.06.09Brothers is a Jim Sheridan-directed remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude whose brother Tobey Maguire is presumed dead after a tour in Afghanistan. He comforts his dead brother’s wife, Natalie Portman, first with kind words but later with his penis and washboard abs. And that’s when Tobey Maguire shows up – he wasn’t dead after all! Drama! It opens December 4th, and Spike Lee is going to be rightly pissed when he finds out they made a movie called Brothers without a single black dude in it. And it’s got Tobey Maguire instead, which is just adding insult to injury. Tobey Maguire is to being white as Djimon Hounsou is to being black.
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Brødre?
One of these guys better be the goalie for the Devils.
Finally, the annoying subplot of ‘Pearl Harbor’ gets the feature-length treatment it so rightly deserves.
So this is Pearl Harbor II??
His names not Tobey, it’s Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
Kunta Kinte Maguire. That’s a Tracy Morgan role if I’ve ever seen one.
Minus the whole “Brother/Husband going to war” thing and you got yourself a Mexican telenovela.
I thought it sounded more interesting when I misread the headline as “JAKE GYL BANGS BROTHER’S DEAD WIFE”.
Just me?
Are we sure that Natalie Portman isn’t their sister?
Whats the tagline? “Hoes before Bros”?
It’s a love scatterplot. Tobey Maguire wants to bang Natalie Portman, Natalie Portman wants to bang Jake Gyllenhaal, and Jake Gyllenhaal wants to bang guys.
Blood is thicker than water, but water fucks better.
That comparison isn’t wholly fair Vince. I can sometimes understand Tobey Maguire when he speaks.
In this movie, Natalie Portman’s philosophy is “Mo’s before G.I. Joes”
Tobey Maguire is to being white as The Mighty Feklahr is to being a fat white nerd.
What does fancy mustard have to do with being black?
…fuck…
GRRR…KLINGON SPACESHIPS WITH LASER GUNS! PEW PEW PEW!!!
Tobey Maguire and DJ Qualls should have a white-off.
Coincidentally, Jake Gyllynhaal also answers to “Portman,” especially as it gets close to Fleet Week.
I take it they don’t let her keep the SGLI payout either? Man, life sucks.
Despite what you may have heard, I’m not white; just extremely pale.
This movie has a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy.
I thought the love story crap in Pearl Harbor was the main plot. The actually war stuff felt like an afterthought.
This movie should skip a theatrical release and go straight to the Oxygen channel.
BONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m all for suspending reality for the sake of enjoying a movie, but “Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude”? Come ON.
i fucked my brother’s girlfriend and i knew he was alive the whole time.
my brother is 7.
I think the real question is, who would willingly fuck Natalie Portman?
*looks around the FD playground at all the dweebs carrying fake light sabres*
Never mind.
It’d be more believable if it were Jake Gyllenhaal fucking his wife’s brother.
*Pulls fake light saber out of Pauly’s ass, points it at JHC*
BANGARANG!
When Tobey returns does he actually catch his broha and wife together? How awkward would that be? Walking in to see your brother getting plowed in the cornhole by a 12 inch black death-cock worn by the woman you married?!?!
Actually if Jake G were my bro I’d probably have to take a bathroom break right about now. Hawt!
What is this 12 inch black death-cock you speak of and where might one purchase it?
For a gift, I mean.
Uh huh. Need a black one to round out the collection, Al?
Its a gag gift
ANAL SEX WITH A BIG FAKE BLACK PENIS ANAL SEX WITH A BIG FAKE BLACK PENIS ANAL SEX WITH A BIG FAKE BLACK PENIS ANAL SEX WITH A BIG FAKE BLACK PENIS ANAL SEX WITH A BIG FAKE BLACK PENIS
Zack effron was in until they changed the plot from banging his dead wife’s brother to dead brother’s wife
Bro’s back mounting?
Minus the whole “Brother/Husband going to war” thing and you got yourself a Mexican telenovela.
Or the beginning of La Bamba
Madman, you better watch what you say about La Bamba. That VHS was up there with the bible in my household.
That’s one of my favorite movies
RICHIEEEE!
“In order to dance the rattlesnake, it is necessary to have a little bit of grace.”
Hmm, He thought a more direct translation was:
“To dance the rattlesnake, a little grace is needed.”
or
“I am not a sailor, I am the captain!” QAPLAH!
I keep ‘Monster Squad’ on the same shelf as the bible in my house.
I almost have to rape her just to have sex.
To her, it’s dirty.
In a misguided attempt at revenge, Tobey tried to fuck Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Al, I got your gift right here.
*points at Stone Soup’s crotch*
Don’t bait-and-switch me like that, Maggie. If you’re going to shill for a site with the word “ageless” in it, I expect newborns Goddamnit.
I tried a butter and ageless sage sauce on my pasta last night, and now I’ve got the clap.
Thanks, Maggie, great tip!
“Erything for Richeeee. . . Never anything for Bob!
WHAT ABOUT BOB?”
Tobey Maguire is to white what that Kumar guy is to the mid-toneys.
Jake Gyllenhaal is hot! and he is a legit actor, i think. He knows how to play emotionally unstable people, like Donnie Darko and his character in Jarhead. I’m excited for Brothers for sure.
the movie was pretty deep … Maguire was the real star in it. he’ll win a Oscar guaranteed.