07.06.09 JAKE GYL BANGS DEAD BROTHER’S WIFE
Brothers is a Jim Sheridan-directed remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude whose brother Tobey Maguire is presumed dead after a tour in Afghanistan. He comforts his dead brother’s wife, Natalie Portman, first with kind words but later with his penis and washboard abs. And that’s when Tobey Maguire shows up - he wasn’t dead after all! Drama! It opens December 4th, and Spike Lee is going to be rightly pissed when he finds out they made a movie called Brothers without a single black dude in it. And it’s got Tobey Maguire instead, which is just adding insult to injury. Tobey Maguire is to being white as Djimon Hounsou is to being black.
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There are 49 comments about:
JAKE GYL BANGS DEAD BROTHER’S WIFE
Brødre?
One of these guys better be the goalie for the Devils.
Finally, the annoying subplot of ‘Pearl Harbor’ gets the feature-length treatment it so rightly deserves.
So this is Pearl Harbor II??
His names not Tobey, it’s Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
Kunta Kinte Maguire. That’s a Tracy Morgan role if I’ve ever seen one.
Minus the whole “Brother/Husband going to war” thing and you got yourself a Mexican telenovela.
I thought it sounded more interesting when I misread the headline as “JAKE GYL BANGS BROTHER’S DEAD WIFE”.
Just me?
Are we sure that Natalie Portman isn’t their sister?
Whats the tagline? “Hoes before Bros”?
It’s a love scatterplot. Tobey Maguire wants to bang Natalie Portman, Natalie Portman wants to bang Jake Gyllenhaal, and Jake Gyllenhaal wants to bang guys.
Blood is thicker than water, but water fucks better.
That comparison isn’t wholly fair Vince. I can sometimes understand Tobey Maguire when he speaks.
In this movie, Natalie Portman’s philosophy is “Mo’s before G.I. Joes”
Tobey Maguire is to being white as The Mighty Feklahr is to being a fat white nerd.
What does fancy mustard have to do with being black?
…fuck…
GRRR…KLINGON SPACESHIPS WITH LASER GUNS! PEW PEW PEW!!!
Tobey Maguire and DJ Qualls should have a white-off.
Coincidentally, Jake Gyllynhaal also answers to “Portman,” especially as it gets close to Fleet Week.
I take it they don’t let her keep the SGLI payout either? Man, life sucks.
Despite what you may have heard, I’m not white; just extremely pale.
This movie has a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy.
I thought the love story crap in Pearl Harbor was the main plot. The actually war stuff felt like an afterthought.
This movie should skip a theatrical release and go straight to the Oxygen channel.
BONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m all for suspending reality for the sake of enjoying a movie, but “Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude”? Come ON.
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