07.02.09 ASTEROIDS. ASTEROIDS IS AN EFFING MOVIE NOW.
The other day in a radio interview, the host was asking me about Hollywood’s hard-on for remakes and movies about toys. “What’s next?” the host asked me, “A movie about Pong!?” That’s right, the most preposterously retarded idea he could think of is almost identical to an idea Universal considers good enough to spend millions of dollars on.
Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game “Asteroids.” Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura. [Lopez recently worked Bedtime Stories and wrote the latest draft of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, while Di Bonaventura bears responsibility for G.I. Joe.]
In “Asteroids,” initially released as an arcade game in 1979, a player controlled a triangular space ship in an asteroid field. The object was to shoot and destroy the hulking masses of rock and the occasional flying saucer while avoiding smashing into both. [THR]
A F*CKING BIDDING WAR. For a movie based on three dots that shoot one dot at other small clusters of dots. If you can think of anything stupider than this… someone in Hollywood will pay you a lot of money. GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE, TOM CRUISE JUST SIGNED ON TO PLAY BLINKING LIGHT NUMBER FOUR! SOMEONE FINGER MY ASSHOLE SO I KNOW I’M NOT DREAMING!
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ASTEROIDS. ASTEROIDS IS AN EFFING MOVIE NOW.
My dad’s got this movie. Can’t even sit on the toilet somedays.
The other day in a radio interview
You think you’re better than me? I’ll burn your house down.
do you have a preference of finger? because my pointer fingers kind of curve off to the side
Marlon Wayans is set to play, “The Black Guy”
Hey cool guy, I’ve done radio interviews, too. Here’s an excerpt:
Radio Host: “What’s the phrase that pays?”
Burnsy: “Q81.3 Christian R&B resurrects my soul!”
If David Lynch caught you watching this movie on a cell phone his fucking head would explode.
I’ve been working on a project entitled Golden Tee every weekday from 5-7 for the past six years.
Paramount Pictures new film: “Sliced Bread: The Coolest Thing”
At least there’s little risk of blowing the budget on special effects.
I expect this movie will go straight to Betamax.
Sure puts that C&D letter someone here got over the Atari trilogy talk in perspective.
Look for the soundtrack to be released by Geffen records in CD and 8-Track.
If now isn’t the time for “FilmDrunk: The Rock Opera”, then I’ll be damned
They originally wanted to cast Keanu Reeves for the lead, but he’s too much of a square.
I’ll be in the corner waiting for the sequel: Hemorrhoids.
The 3D version isn’t likely to be any more visually tantalizing than the regular version.
This script is simple shit people. Get a guy in a spaceship . . . dunking the fuck out of a basketball! Another guy, doing a handplant on the edge of the ship, with no tethering cords! And another guy, having anal sex with a screaming Gorn, in a teleporter! You know what I fucking mean?!?!?!!
The irony is that when I’m watching this movie, I’ll be spinning my knob.
I hope there’s a video game tie-in.
What exactly did they have to pay Atari for? There’s a million ways you could make an Asteroid-based movie without referencing the video game, right? Armageddon didn’t have to pay Atari because they used the word “Asteroid”, did they??
Wow, Lince and boPa are channeling their inner Klingon today! QAPLAH!
Remember that really old school Star Wars game where it was like a first person perspective of flying an X Wing through Tie-Fighters on the way to the Death Star to blow it up??? Man, that was a fucking great game!!!
Hmmm…
Oh, Hooollll-eeeeee-woooooood…
My money is on Dig Dug for the next one. Starring Gerard Butler as the lead cause we all know he likes plowing through dark dirty holes (see Katherine Heigel).
In other news, I spent all of yesterday watching Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. When I realized it was 19 years ago when it was on TV I cried. Fuck I’m old.
Brett Ratner’s been working on Burgertime for 40 years.
Even Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck want nothing to do with this. However, Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare are anxiously waiting by the phone.
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