06.19.09 FOR ZOMBIES BY ZOMBIES

Atlanta, their black friend, gets taken early.

Detroit gets eaten by the zombies because of his uncontrollable kleptomania.

Don’t you want to go,
Where everybody eats you braaains!
DUN!DUN!DUN!DUN!
And Little Miss Sunshine
Has Gone Insaaaane!
DUN!DUN!DUN!DUN!

Austin is just a punk bitch of a name.

This may be the first time in my entire life that I wish I was in Wichita.

Eufaula just stands there and watches the other survivors run past in both directions.

Key West could give less of a shit about Wichita and Little Rock, but he likes him some Tallahassee.

San Francisco only likes getting eaten by guy zombies. Preferably ones that work out and have frosted tips.

Rancho Cucamonga just hides in his basement taking bong rips.

Pittsburgh is somehow invisible to the zombies. It’s like he has nothing for which they hunger.

Ashton Kutcher was penned in as an aluminum bat toting, beer drinking, frat boy who liked to knock zombie’s head clean from their shoulders and yell “That’s outta here!”. The producers thought the name Omaha was gay though.

Yeah, I got nuthin’.

They had a guy called West Des Moines in their group but killed him because they were kinda sure he was probably a zombie. It’s hard to tell with West Des Moines.

You know the social order has dissolved in the scene with Walla Walla being banged.

Seattle tags along because he puts the rains in brains.

St. Pauly steals the audiences heart as he steals the zombies’ bicycles.

Every time Bronx sees a zombie smash through her window, she swivels her head back and forth and says “Oh no he didn’t” all while chewing on three day old Double Mint gum.

Boise will be played by Flava Fav.

Kansas City just sits around bitching about how nobody will build him a light rail system until the zombies come along and put him out of his misery.

St. Louis is sitting in jail while all of this is going down.

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man just shoot at the fuckers while making simple comedic quips.

Hmmm, that’s not quite the same. But that movie was awesome! Amarite? High five!

Bismarck used this as a pre-text to invade Pierre.

Wait…is Woody Harrleson the wuss, or the guy trying to get the twinkie? Is Jesse Eisenberg the Twinkie? Man, where are the ghostbusters when you really need them (to explain metaphors).

Cleveland kills himself in the opening frame.

Compton can’t afford a gun, so he just runs the zombies over with his 84 Candy Apple Red Metallic Caprice on 24s.

Is it just me or do these zombies seem to be fairly Mobile?

Asheville will be played by Bruce Campbell.

New Orleans meets an untimely death when he gets locked in a car wash.

Seaside Heights wears a mesh tanktop and loves techno.

Paris has a cigarette mustache, a black Armani suit with an inexplicably clashing red silk ascot and beats zombies to death with stale baguette loaves.

Doraville needs the map, THE MAP, right fucking now!

Arbuck: Woody Harrelson is always trying to get the last Twinkie.

Am I alone in thinking Harrelson produced a script by his pot dealer in lieu of payment or something? They should have called it Dead, Where’s My Carbs?

Salt Lake City is more concerned with protecting his wives.

Cheyenne is only killing zombies to pay for college.

*seriously doubts anyone gets that*

D.C. quickly separates from the group when he can’t understand what everyone else wants.

For the experienced zombiephiliac, there are plenty of things to do in Denver when he is dead.

Seriously, if this isn’t a thinly veiled parable about the DEA I’ll eat Judah Friedlander’s hat.

When zombies eat Tijuana’s brains they get a rather nasty case of Chlamydia.

Little Big Horn senses his chance to finally get respect, and tells everyone his name is Large Horn Jr.

Indianapolis likes to survey the zombie situation, flail around while yelling numbers and colors, then end up pissing down his pant leg.

Portland pisses everyone off because he refuses to use deodorant.

Meanwhile, in New Jersey, Long Branch is looking for the last bottle of hair gel.

Yet again, Chicago thinks this will be the year he finally kills the most zombies.

J, I’ve paid to see the tatas of more than one Midwestern plains town.

Guadalajara always heard it was easy to hop the border, but this is ridiculous.

Thanks Ers.

Cheboygan is the comic relief. He wears overalls all the time!

Nigeria gets all his clothes second hand from other countries that made them but had no use for them. Like Nigeria’s coveted 2008 New England Patriots undefeated season Super Bowl T-shirt.

Albukakke can finally stop living the lie that he is merely “quirky.”

Zombies stay the hell away from Gaza seeing as death and misery seem to always surround him.

Butte wants to get in the fight, but there aren’t any zombies around for miles.