06.30.09 TWILIGHT PROM: THE SADDEST PLACE ON EARTH

ALT HEADLINE: FORKS, WASHINGTON? MORE LIKE DORKS, WASHINGTON.

No matter how you feel about Twilight - hell, pretend it’s the best book ever written - this is still one of dorkiest stories ever.  I’ve told you about Forks, Washington’s Twilight-based economy before, but I had to cover MTV’s recent trip to Summer School in Forks, “a fan event that allowed Twilighters to attend classes, go to a prom and enjoy field trips around the real-life town.” Some guy from MTV (a grown adult, even) even delivered the keynote address.  I know that’s his job, but if it were me I’d have to kick my own ass afterward.

When you pull into town, you see a quaint Disneyland for Twilighters: A motel sign screams “Edward Cullen Slept Here,” a local Chinese restaurant features a “Twilight Dinner” [with Berra egg ro, and Edwah foo yong] and every third storefront sells Robert Pattinson cardboard cutouts, custom-made T-shirts and other “Twilight” trappings (lollipops that read “Bite Me”, bumper stickers that say “Warning: I Drive Like a Cullen”).

“None of our students are vampires — at least, not that we’re aware of,” grinned Kevin Rupprecht, the real-life [dork] principal of Forks High School, who promised me that he resists the daily temptation to call Edward Cullen to his office over the loudspeaker. “We do have a couple of lockers, for the fans, that are designated for Edward and Bella. People like that. And we do know which parking spot the almost-accident occurred in. So we direct fans to that; they eat it up [like bon-bons, or loneliness].”

Another interesting part of the weekend was Saturday night’s “prom” in the Forks High gymnasium. With attendees of all ages dressed in their best evening gowns and suits, popular “Twilight” acts the Bella Cullen Project, Bella Rocks and the Mitch Hansen Band sang odes to the Cullen clan. The YouTube sensation [...] Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans [though they may just have been red from physical exertion].

As we stood in the real-deal Forks cafeteria, it was hard to deny the feeling that Edward could come strolling in at any moment, grab a tray of food that he would only poke at and stare longingly at Bella from across the room [gayest. daydream. ever.]. As the line between fiction and fact continued to blur, the Twilighters exchanged hugs and phone numbers, taking home the memories of a lifetime along with their diplomas.

“We ate at Bella Italia, which is where Edward and Bella had their first date. It was pouring — just like it should be — when we got here,” [a Twihard] continued. “Everywhere you go, you can just imagine Bella and Edward walking down the street in this cozy little town. It really is like being in the home of ‘Twilight.’ “

Man, if L.A. needs an enema, Forks, Washington could use a wedgie.  Maybe Lincoln, Nebraska could stuff it in a locker and give it time to ponder ways of being less lame.