Kids brood free!
I can’t remember where I read this, but one in six books bought worldwide last year was one of the Twilight series, a statistic more depressing than genital herpes. I wish I had a copy handy because you can literally pick any paragraph at random and show that Stephenie Meyer writes like a third grader. And yet this phenomenon is so f’ing unstoppable that an Alaskan cruise line is now offering a Twilight Fan Cruise, which includes…
- Q & A Session with the Actors & other Guests [Such as those huge stars Ashley Greene and Kellen Lutz on the most recent cruise]
- Group Photo Shoot
- Autograph Session
- Costume Ball
- Prizes will be awarded
- Movie Viewings with Our Group
- Trivia Contests & Games
- More Prizes!
- Charity Auction
- Welcome Aboard Party
- Vendors Room
- All Twilight… All Week Long!
AND DID WE MENTION THAT THERE ARE GAMES AND PRIZES?!?! One of which, presumably, is getting that cat pee smell out of your hair and clothes. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!! For just $450-$750 you can take a pre-cruise tour of Forks, Washington, THE TOWN WHERE TWILIGHT WAS SET! Here’s the itinerary:
- 4 days/3 nights:
- Day 1 – Overnight in Seattle
- Day 2 – Journey by motor-coach to Forks, Washington. Local guides will take us the places you’ve read about in the books and have seen in the movie…including La Push beach! Overnight in Seattle
- Day 3 – Tour of Seattle
- Day 4 – Transfer to the ship
That’s right, folks, for just one week’s babysitting money, you can climb in a van with a group of smelly cat ladies and home-school fundie teens and take a tour of THE VERY TOWN STEPHENIE MEYER PICKED OUT OF AN ALMANAC! Incredible! In related news, I just named my crawlspace “Narnia.”
[Thanks to Eibz for the tip]
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/11/Bella-twilight-breaking-dawn-wedding-dress-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/11/Twilight-breakdawn-2-150x150.jpg)
Terrifying.
I’d rather spend a week having Stephen King repeatedly run me over with a van.
hey, it was funny once…
Hey Somali tool kits! Come fuck up this boat please.
And hey VaLince, I posted that book sales fun fact here a few weeks ago, got it out of Time.
[Tries to suck own dick again, fails]
Damn.
Oooo!! A costume ball?! So everyone dresses like a emo drop out ass bag? Dude, Hot Topic Anchorage is gonna get gutted.
I will be first in line for the All-You-Can-Suck Buffet.
please iceberg please iceberg please iceberg please iceberg
I appreciate the tag, Vince.
A costume ball?
Everyone knows that they lick the biggest balls of them all.
I hope this cruise ship rides through the Bermuda Triangle.
Somewhere in the Western Pacific a cruise ship captain stares into a pint glass full of cheep scotch and ponders what the sum of his life’s work. He looks out his cabin’s port and sees a batch of shreeking 16 year olds clutching shitty folders swollen with fan fiction, boys in white face paint and mascara, mothers fighting over the last crab stuffed PortaBella MushWomb at the buffet. He sighs, and takes his life with a marlin spike up the ear canal.
Hey no shit! Congrats Stone, you beat that shit to death and got your tag.
Not since the Exxon Valdez has the Alaskan Coastline witnessed a disaster of this caliber.
A vampire cruise?
In Alaska?
The land of the midnight sun?
Makes. Perfect. Sense.
Hmmm, Eastern Pacific, superfluous “what”, shriek with two ee’s… not bad. [Picks nose, puts booger on forehead]
Just found on Monster.com:
Wanted:
Photographers for Alaskan Cruise Line. Must have own equipment. Experience with portraits required, preferably comfortable with extreme contrast between black clothing and pale faces. Parties allergic to cats need not apply.
TWILIGHT FAN CRUISE ≥ TOM CRUISE
TWILIGHT FAN CRUISE ≥ TOM CRUISE
Wait, I’m still second guessing myself on that….
The Never-Been-Loved Boat
Motor-coach is a very fancy sounding word for “fifteeen passenger van that smells like failure”.
The Holes-in-Throat Boat
La Push Beach? Really? I’m starting to doubt this setting as a good place for an abstinence parable.
On regular cruises, you’ll often come back to your cabin and see your towels have been folded or rolled to look like some cute animal.
On twilight cruises, they do the same, except they use an extra towel to fashion a noose.
The areal view of the costume party is going to look like a box full of 8-balls being shaken.
There are going to be so many hand-jobs given out on that cruise.
the Twitanic!!!!
Thats right, exclamation points make stuff funny.
The orange rings around the ship will be renamed ‘Undeath Preservers’.
Yeah, get a whole boat full of emotional retards and hope nobody goes overboard. Good luck with that.
Beheh, I just went to the linked post about Forks and noticed it had a “Dawson’s Crypt” tag.
* goes to high-five Stoney, misses, punches self in the junk *
Peet, you can reduce the swelling with a well place Daniel Craig Popsicle.
Can I go to the costume ball dressed like Blade, and fuck vampires up like Blade would?
I can’t wait for a shirtless Hugh Jackman on a jetski to roll up and go Van Helsing on that ass.