06.25.09 WHAT WOULD JESUS THINK OF TRANSFORMERS?
Lots of people review Transformers, but few of them filter every aspect of the film through an all-encompassing fundamentalist worldview, and that’s where Focus on the Family comes in. Set phasers to “tisking sound.”
The first time the Transformers motored into theaters, we were dismayed by the film’s sexual content. This time around, we’re appalled.
Let’s start with Alice, an apparently beautiful college student with an eye on Sam. Alice tries every way possible to seduce the lad. She dresses in the sultriest of outfits and makes sure Sam gets the best possible look at her attributes. She coos and pouts and makes suggestive comments.
When that doesn’t work, she straddles him on his bed—obviously intent upon having sex—starts kissing him and “reveals” more of herself, so to speak. But Alice’s big reveal isn’t what Sam has been led to believe. A metallic appendage snakes out of the bottom of her dress (we see Alice’s underwear) and later out of her mouth (her tongue is still attached to the end). She’s a Decepticon with rather freakish sexual intentions, it seems.
Indeed, the Decepticons as a whole have grown more sexualized since the last movie. One huge robot displays two dangling orbs that are meant to resemble testicles. Another, smaller critter wraps itself around Mikaela’s leg quite suggestively.
Characters also make crass references involving testicles, pubic hair and other intimate body parts. A guy crudely propositions a college girl by comparing his anatomy to the meat pizza he’s carrying. Two pairs of people end up unconscious in compromising positions (including two guys in one instance). A professor flirts suggestively. Leo, Sam’s roommate, asks if he can watch Sam and Alice have sex. Some people walk by a store with a neon “Porn” sign in the window. And we see a character’s nearly bare backside while he’s wearing a thong. Sam and Mikaela kiss and cuddle.
A good drinking game is to have someone read fundie movie reviews aloud and every time he says “suggestive” you have to chug your beer. Sadly, the review never addresses the minstrelbots, but if it did I imagine it’d go something like this: “Using the two robots obssessed with street culture as comic relief is fine and dandy indeed, but we can’t help but think the filmmakers missed out on a rather golden opportunity to remind kids that negroes can be dangerous.”
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There are 42 comments about:
WHAT WOULD JESUS THINK OF TRANSFORMERS?
Make sure yall stay near the watah, them darkies are ‘fraid of it, y’hear?
I asked Jesus and he said “Mas Robot Fucking” then I told him to keep paving my fucking drive-way or I will not pay him “un pinche peso”
Fundie Review: Well, it’s no Fireproof. That’s for gosh darn sure.
Is there any special award for Drunking from the dentist’s chair in the middle of a root canal?
Jesus is just down on sex because one time he got wood and he got nailed!
One side effect of being so sexually repressed, these fucks can get off just staring at a bunt cake.
Ya swi Chodin cranks up the gas and blows you while you’re knocked out so it isn’t gay, but you can check “Blown by Dude” off of your bucket list.
…And we see a character’s nearly bare backside …
NEARLY BARE!?!?!?!Dear lord, won’t someone think of the children?!
Swi, I feel your pain (four fucking times and several thousand dollars later).
The reviewer then went into the bathroom, took a wide stance, and when the 17yo Puerto Rican responded from the next stall he gave him Adam’s rib until the horns of Jericho blew.
Whatever, Feces on the Family loved this movie.
What the fundies don’t realize is that Transformers 2 isn’t worth seeing, but not because of what they have listed (because it sucks). Balls on a robot isn’t taboo, it’s dipshit ghey dumbfuckery.
TF2 does something much worse than offend my morals, it offends my INTELLECT.
Underwear? Kissing? Cuddling? The word “Porn”? The end is nigh.
/stones self to death; masturbates
Sam and Mikaela kiss and cuddle.
You think that was bad, the scene where I eat Miracle Whip squeezed out of her asshole is right fucking gnarly.
That review puts Da Mental Fun back in Fundamental.
Silly Fek, fundies don’t have any intellect to offend, only morals.
Fundies change diapers through a hole in a sheet.
Fundies were “browned off” with the Skidmark ‘bot.
Holy fucking fuck, Michael Jackson!?!
These things come in threes, right? Who’s next (my loan shark, I hope)
It wasn’t Michael Jackson, it was Farrah Fawcett. Easy mistake.
He choked when on a foreskin.
The chokebate ninjas did it!!!
He choked when on a foreskin.
That’s what happens when you are posting while talking to your boss.
Idaknow Hot Lips, Dom, David, Ed, Farrah, Michael, somebody is putting in the fix on their deadpool.
How long have I had Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan in my dead pool? I suck at this.
Crappy, that’s a bit freaky now that I just saw your last comment.
Perhaps Vance is the third? Although, MK wasn’t a movie star…
WTF? You can’t forget Moonwalker!
So can Corey Haim come out now and say it was Michael that fingered his muddy donut?
Just by coincidence, TengoDooter Enterprises is today announcing a new product called King of Pop. It’s a white colored soda with a delicious chocolate flavor and has a moon-walking monkey on the label. Available soon at a grocery store near you.
Jesus is so pissed about Transformers that he killed Michael Jackson.
Wrong Michael, Jesus!
i couldn’t agree more with you Al, and I add those fucktards “Speidi”.
Farrah Fawcett is so pissed off right now.
Word has it that he was reading about Zac Efron’s “sexy new thriller” on a film blog when his ticker seized up.
That will be the very last time Michael jacksoff.
That’s a threadkiller???
Fuck this, I give up.
Dude, I nearly nommed that, don’t be such a spaz. Oh, right.
It will soon be discovered that it was the auto-erotic asphixiation ninjas that got him.
Sorry Al, guess I spazzed out a little. Is it too late to wish you a happy St. Jean-Baptiste Day?
Those damn ninja! They are everywhere.
I blame dirty Diana.
UUAAANGGGHHHAAA!!
What’s that, Jesus? You say you want me to sticky the keys to that banner pic of Megan Fox again? OKAY!!
Ok, he is dead. Get over it already, because he has been nothing but a crazy white lady for the last 10 years anyway.
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