THIS IS WHY GOD CREATED HEMLOCK
06.10.09
Less than a week after Nia Vardalos called her 13%-recommended-on-RottenTomatoes movie My Life in Ruins “the highest-testing movie in Fox Searchlight history,” she’s back in this new trailer for I Hate Valentines Day (which she wrote and directed), which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs. Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting. The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring. But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE?? I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!
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In the immortal words of Socrates: I drank what?
No, Miss Vardalos, I did not in fact say you need a shot of ouzo. You’re close though.
Nia is HOT!
Diarrhea HOT!
Her middle name is “Vomitoria”.
Nia Vardalos is the store-brand Sandra Bullock.
Nia Vardalos is the Malt-o-Meal Marisa Tomei, Donk.
In my World, “highly tested” is a BAD thing.
Nia Vardalos is the outlet store Celine Dion.
They shot one of the scenes for this movie on my street in Brooklyn last year. I apologize to you all for not firebombing the set.
Alternate title: ‘Beggars Can be Choosers’.
Nia Vardalos is the Safeway Select Catherine Zeta-Jones.
If the botoxed guy from Northern Exposure isn’t getting anal by the 5th date then he needs to tell Noah Vandalgrease to fuck clean off.
Nia Vardalos is the swap meet Julia Roberts.
Donk, I’ve always wanted to ask a Greek:
Does a Greek woman’s labia really look like pita bread?
Nia Vardalos is fucking boring.
Pauly, only with Tzatziki.
Line, you find new and interesting ways to pique His misogyny!
Nia Vardalos is the bargain basement Cindy Crawford.
*Lince
Trust me guys, when a woman has a neck that looks that strong, she hardly ever gets it the way you think she does.
Nia Vardalos is the Dollar Tree Kathleen Turner.
Nia Vardalos is the Ebay Carol Channing.
Whoa, even without sound, that was both annoying and annoying. Even with that sweet what’s-his-name Corbet or Corbin or whoever he is.
Nia Vardaloz is the Korean-Imported Debra Messing.
Fuck it, Greeks can’t tell the difference between an S and a Z anyway.
Nia Vardalos is the hobo Winona Ryder.
Northern Exposure guy had to play the love interest of SJP and now he’s opposite this drop dead average clown shoes again? He might be the greatest actor of all time. Or gay.
Nia Vardalos is the barber college Geena Davis.
Nia Vardalos is the Salvation Army Rachel Bilson.
Nia Vardalos is the less-fugly Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nia Vardalos is Greek for “this is why we fuck boys.”
Nia Vardalos is the Division IIIA Tim Tebow.
Nia Vardalos is the Hellenic Jennifer Lopez.
Nia Vardalos is the food stamp Angelina Jolie.
Nia Vardalos is the Coby-brand Farrah Fawcett.
Nia Vardalos is the government cheese Michelle Trachtenburg
Wasn’t Nia Vandalay fat? Or am i thinking of Telly Savalas? Which one was Kojack?
Nia Vardalos is the poor man’s Kathy Bates.
Nia Vardalos is the Kingergartner’s macaroni-art Kate Beckinsale.
Nia Vardalos is the CVS brand Eliza Dushku.
Nia Vardalos is the Mexican-surgeon Selma Hayek.
Nia Vardalos only raises her arms on Full Moons.
Nia Vardalos is the bootleg Miley Cyrus.
When Nia Vardalos is naked, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a Triangle Choke.
Nia Vardalos scared Chodin straight.
Nia Vardalos is the rugged Adrian Grenier.
Nia Vardalos is the buttcam Anne Hathaway.
Nanu Verydross is the bush league Pam Dawber.
Nia Vardalos is her own fake celeb Twitter.
Nia Vardalos is the female James Gandolfini.
New up
Nia Vardalos is John Stamos in drag.
Nia Vardalos was born to play the lead in Bobby Hacker’s “Dead Burnt Lesbians”. i hope to fucking hell she’s method about it.
Nia Vardalos is to Rom-Com what Genghis Khan was to comfortable furniture.
Nia Vardalos is the chick that you get drunk and sympathy fuck cuz she is funny, then the next day you realize that she is really a cunt and cut yourself because of your shitty life choices.
Nia Vardalos is the girl that spits the load into your lap after roadhead.
Nia Vardalos is the rest stop toilet paper Amy Smart.
ADA My Big Fat Terrible RomCom
Nia Vardalos is the Chinese lead painted Gina Gershon.
Nia Vardalos is the Flying Toasters of screen savers.
Near Van Barneveld is the Asbestosis of occupational lung diseases.