06.15.09 THE OTHER CRAP ROUNDUP, JUNE 15

Cold Souls? Isn’t Pinot Noir supposed to be serves room temp?

*served

PS: fucking cunt website

Paul Giamatti is the human Droopy.

even though Roy Rogers has been dead for 11 years.

Thanks for the spoiler alert, fucker.

Wanted’s sequel will be-

a) Still Wanted
b) Wanted Again
c) Walk up to the ticket window, give the weirdo $8, punch yourself in the nuts for wanting to see a sequel to that turd.

Where the Wild Things Are “about the confusions of a boy, Max, making his way in a world he can’t control. His father is gone, his mother is spending time with a younger boyfriend, his sister is becoming a teenager… At the same time, Max finds himself capable of startling acts of wildness: he wears a wolf suit, bites his mom, and can’t always control his outbursts.” finding out how to masturbate…

I was hoping they’d dig him up and do some freaky weekend at Roy Rogers’ shit for the new movie.

Tagline for the next Friday the 13th: He’s Snow Angel

*groans, masturbates*

Are you kidding? A 300 page novelization of Busey would barely cover his head injury.

Jesus Christ, Donk.

*shakes head, joins circle jerk*

[Stolls up wearing two cock rings as earrings]
I never knew that “quintessential figures of America” meant people I had heard of but didn’t give half a fuck about. I am learned.

If they want to “introduce quintessential figures” of today’s America they had better go with the Frito Bandito, Speedy Gonzales, and The Taco Bell Dog.

You could explain away a bullet to the brain with numerous psychological disorders. My guess is that hypersexuality and amnesia would be key areas in Wanted 2.

Of course, amnesia would help the people who saw the first one also.

Vorhees a jolly good fellow,
Vorhees a jolly goog fellow,
Vorhees a jolly good feeeelloooooow…
…those film makers should fuckin die!

The only way to capitalize on Roy Roger’s fans is voter fraud.

Spoiler alert: Paul Giamatti spends 120 minutes searching for his lost shoes… **record scratch** in Alaska?!

I never liked Trigger, he always wanted to act like Black Beauty.

Cold sole is my favorite sushi.

If they wanted a guy to write 300 pages on a boy who finds himself capable of extreme acts of wildness, I would prefer they got Bret Easton Ellis instead.

Paul Giamatti is only seventeen years old, is the world’s greatest limbo dancer and his enormous melons once won him second prize at a county fair.

If Trigger would have had a colt with Black Beauty that looked just like the mother I wonder if they would have called it…….uh, Trigger Junior?

goDoo, if Trigger and Black Beauty had a colt together, they would have just called it 45. At least until it grew up.

If I’m reading that banner picture correctly, Paul Giammati plays a VERY Canadian man in this movie, right?

If only the philanthropic movie studios had the resources to remake everything then younger audiences would never have to worry about empathizing with characters in dated clothes and hairstyles. It’s about time we had a remake of The Godfather. The Jonas Queefs can play Michael, Sonny and Fredo Corleone; Don Vito will be played by Vin Diesel and Diane Keaton’s role will go to some cunt from The Hills.

A Mexican Brett Ratner? That’s the only version of Brett Ratner that would consume more Nachos.

Also, Korean Brett Ratner would get confused and eat Nachos, The Cross-Eyed Cat.

[points at Cold Souls poster]

Photoshop! Fake! Faaaayuk!

Cold Souls Poster: That’s the most interesting bedsheets/nightcap combo I’ve ever seen.

In the upcoming remake of Over The Top, Sylvester Stallone will play his own son. The movie no longer revolves around arm wrestling, it’s about ebay bidding wars.

Is ebay still contemporary? Ballroom dancing then. That shit’s lapped up.

I bet if Paul Giamatti could give himself head like in that poster, he’d never leave him cardboard box.

*looks around, sees nobody is watching, takes out My Buddy doll and makes him show the court where the bad man touched him on a Raggedy Andy doll, then makes the Raggedy Andy doll show the court where the My Buddy doll touched him using a Cabbage Patch kid, then makes the Cabbage Patch Kid 69 with Teddy Ruxpin*

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

[reads keyHo's comment, nuts in pants]

Dave Eggars also rewrote “Mr Bump” using cursive hieroglyphics. His publisher wasn’t too keen though as he used the flayed skin of failed Idol auditionees rather than papyrus.

…Roy Rogers, Dale Evans and Trigger are quintessential figures of America…

When, 80 years ago?

*tumbleweed rolls by*

Leave Spencer alone please, Pauly.

At the end of the sequel to the as-welcome-as-an-aneurysm remake of Friday the 13th, Jason is fed through an industrial mincer, processed and then sold to a dogfood manufacturer. There is no Friday the 13th part 3 remake because Jason is fucking dead. Arriverderci franchise. The producers then toy with the idea of a Cujo remake starring a possessed Chihuahua voiced by Rosie Perez and her fantastic tits. The rabid dog dies though after biting Paris Hilton.

Really, wouldn’t a sequel to Friday the 13th be Saturday the 14th?

Bryce’s Grammom collects quintessential figurines.

Hot town, summer in the city.
Paul Giamatti got some nice man-titties.

hmmm, welll…the back of his neck IS dirty and gritty. Circle gets a square.

For the creation of Away We Go and the hipsterization of Where the Wild Things Are, isn’t it time for Dave Eggers to get a visit from the cockpunching robot?

PS my favorite childhood book was Where the White Women At.

Ptttthh you guys with your fancy childhoods with “books” and stuff.

Giant mechanical HOMICIDAL loom.

Wait, this is important. I’m reading through some reviews for the second Transformers movie, and I cannot believe my eyes: THERE WHERE PEOPLE WHO LIKED THE FIRST MOVIE? What? Even reviewers? What is this?

Wait, are we talking about the same Brett Ratner? Are you telling me a super-lazy guy who loves burritos isn’t actually Mexican?