06.01.09 BLOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

Of all the completely implausible acts of physics in this trailer, why is it that the thing that really makes me want to put my fist through the monitor is when white-suit-guy falls two stories and grabs onto a helicopter without immediately snapping both shoulders out of joint and falling to his death?

What’s that smell? Did somebody drop a Ratner in here?

…

Dor sho gha! Even worse…GI JOE!!!

And if the French didn’t hate us before…

Well, I fortunately can’t watch the video. It’s like being banned from the Gretchen Wilson fan club. A blessing without disguise.

Do you know what’s better than this GI Joe movie?

Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey. Insurmountably.

“If you’re going after him…I want in…your butt”

There is not one hairy Kung Fu grip Joe in this whole trailer.

To modernize the story, they made Cobra an ultra conservative group. They’re trying to destroy references to depraved sex acts. After felling the Eiffel Tower, they’ll move onto the London Bridge. Following that, they’ll hit every instrument shop in the world to make sure that all their trombones are 100% free of oxidation.

Blowing is half the battle

I’m gonna use that line one day when everyone forgets where it came from.

Chell - if you received a cryptic email about your TV appearance the other day, that was me. I forgot to say who I was…

MTV’s what player?!

[puts hands on hips, glares indignantly, shits pants]

This movie takes place in the very near future when Nickelodeon weaponizes Gak and becomes an major player in the international arms dealing ring.

I haven’t seen an Asian that angry since my Grandpa and me parachuted into a Japanese funeral.

Hmmm, what’s that word for something that looks like a total shitfest spastic piece of shit that hurts to watch like getting a boil lanced off your dick…? What is it…? Tip of my tongue…

Crappy, the tip of your tongue doesn’t look that bad, just try to keep it out of Chodin’s ass in the future.

This movie is going to make my penis sad. It will probably be like Iron Man raping the Matrix, having a baby and then micheal bay raping that baby.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… Raping

But that shit tube action is irresistable. Thats-a-spicy-ass-hole!

If Cobra had a flying ship available, why didn’t they just fly up to the roof to do everything?

*Sprays Ali Larter’s “Jealousy” cologne on, stares longingly at picture of Chodin*

If Cobra had a flying ship available, why didn’t they just fly up to the roof to do everything?

Silly asshole, you can’t kill guards on the ground floor with ninja stars if you’re in a flying ship on the roof.

This trailer came on and my cat puked on my couch, coincidence, fuck no.

I think that asian sniper would be more accurate if the lens to his scope wasn’t round. Do they make scopes for slopes?

and like, why did she even have to go to the roof in the first place?

also, bitch too good to ride an elevator with asians or something?

“that woman in the elevator, dressed in all black leather with a big ass machine gun that everyone is running away from….I think that’s her!!!”

GI Joe makes me want to evacuate my GI tract.