06.01.09 BLOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE

Of all the completely implausible acts of physics in this trailer, why is it that the thing that really makes me want to put my fist through the monitor is when white-suit-guy falls two stories and grabs onto a helicopter without immediately snapping both shoulders out of joint and falling to his death?

What’s that smell? Did somebody drop a Ratner in here?

…

Dor sho gha! Even worse…GI JOE!!!

And if the French didn’t hate us before…

Well, I fortunately can’t watch the video. It’s like being banned from the Gretchen Wilson fan club. A blessing without disguise.

Do you know what’s better than this GI Joe movie?

Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey. Insurmountably.

“If you’re going after him…I want in…your butt”

There is not one hairy Kung Fu grip Joe in this whole trailer.

To modernize the story, they made Cobra an ultra conservative group. They’re trying to destroy references to depraved sex acts. After felling the Eiffel Tower, they’ll move onto the London Bridge. Following that, they’ll hit every instrument shop in the world to make sure that all their trombones are 100% free of oxidation.

Blowing is half the battle

I’m gonna use that line one day when everyone forgets where it came from.

Chell – if you received a cryptic email about your TV appearance the other day, that was me. I forgot to say who I was…

MTV’s what player?!

[puts hands on hips, glares indignantly, shits pants]

This movie takes place in the very near future when Nickelodeon weaponizes Gak and becomes an major player in the international arms dealing ring.

I haven’t seen an Asian that angry since my Grandpa and me parachuted into a Japanese funeral.

Hmmm, what’s that word for something that looks like a total shitfest spastic piece of shit that hurts to watch like getting a boil lanced off your dick…? What is it…? Tip of my tongue…

Crappy, the tip of your tongue doesn’t look that bad, just try to keep it out of Chodin’s ass in the future.

This movie is going to make my penis sad. It will probably be like Iron Man raping the Matrix, having a baby and then micheal bay raping that baby.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… Raping

But that shit tube action is irresistable. Thats-a-spicy-ass-hole!

If Cobra had a flying ship available, why didn’t they just fly up to the roof to do everything?

*Sprays Ali Larter’s “Jealousy” cologne on, stares longingly at picture of Chodin*

If Cobra had a flying ship available, why didn’t they just fly up to the roof to do everything?

Silly asshole, you can’t kill guards on the ground floor with ninja stars if you’re in a flying ship on the roof.

This trailer came on and my cat puked on my couch, coincidence, fuck no.

I think that asian sniper would be more accurate if the lens to his scope wasn’t round. Do they make scopes for slopes?

and like, why did she even have to go to the roof in the first place?

also, bitch too good to ride an elevator with asians or something?

“that woman in the elevator, dressed in all black leather with a big ass machine gun that everyone is running away from….I think that’s her!!!”

GI Joe makes me want to evacuate my GI tract.

Sorry I’m late. I agree with Fek. Whiplash is the shit.

I wonder if the people who made this G.I. Joe ever think “Gee, I blow?”

GI Blow: which makes you think of something that happens during a colonoscopy…which is when they watch shit…which ties together nicely with this.

As if we needed more reason to hate and loathe Sienna Miller.

Remember when everyone cheered during Dungeons and Dragons when the Wayans died? Longest death ever

Do they show the part where Joe goes to Nam and knocks up all the chicks then leaves? Oh Joe.

I can’t wait to not give fuck about seeing this. Oh wait! Already there!
[leans back in chair with self satisfied grin, puts hand down pants and pulls a pube, eats same]

Chelle0 was on TV? What’d you do?

J, He doesn’t care what anyone says. The Mighty Feklahr is pretty damn sure we are the “Midwest 2″. Then again, people that don’t like Whiplash are just homosexual-agenda-driven socialists that are trying to revoke OUR gun rights! *PTOO!*

I hear Wayans gets led by his GPS straight to Cobra Headquarters where he’s captured. Should have known not to trust the Uncle Tomtom.

Chris Hansen challenged her to make a pedo cake, Erswi. The winner was determined by how many kids were drawn into the back of their respective vans with the least amount of candy.

[sneaks up to a passed out VaLince, writes "I ♥ cock" on his face with Sharpie. Adds a B==D~ ~ pointing at his mouth]

Perfect.

I’m not even going to apologize or make an excuse for whoring my blog right now:

http://ludditeandroid.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/i-hate-moxatag/

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/06/cthulhumas_came_early.php

I am not going to apologize for being frightened silly of this.

Hey Robo, how many of those $9 pills will I need to take to get rid of the cock drips your Mom gave me?

whackety schmackety BOOSH

All of them, JHC. All of them.

Now I know why it takes so long to get a prescription filled. The fucking pharmacists are busy writing blogs between counting their money.

For the record, I’m not picking on Robo because I don’t like him. He’s just the only one here right now and there’s nothing to do here at work.

FEK, what the hell??? That’s like a Hentai lovers wetdream mask right there.

For $9 do I at least get to shove it up my ass?

Fuck it, it’s going to the stinkhole like it or not.

I’m not at work. I never have time to use the internet at work. If you’re getting a prescription at a chain store, most of them have a mandatory minimum amount of time they have to make you wait or they’ll get fired (corporate wants to keep you in the store for at least 17 minutes even if it’s totally fucking antithetical to health care).

I work at an independant, so if it’s taking us long, then we’re either on the phone with the asshole PBM trying to get the claim paid for, or talking to the nurse of the asshole doctor who writes scripts for drugs that were pulled off the market ten years ago, or the asshole in front of you in line brought in a bag with 12 empty prescription bottles all with no refills left because Cthulhu forbid they motherfucking call three days ago when they still had pills left so we have time to take care of this shit. FML.

Damn. I’m surprised there haven’t been more pharmacy related shootings. That sounds fucking horrible. I mean, I get pissed when I really need to take a piss and have to stop and put someone on hold. I really don’t usually have to wait very long. I send my wife to get our prescriptions.

Dor sho gha! Lince must have given all of his Adderall and cocaine to his friends for helping him move!

TIME TO LIGHT UP SOME AJAX, BOY! GUY’CHA!

Jess-Isn’t that mask just an unholy union of the Scorpio Killer from “Dirty Harry” and “Tentacle Rape”?

Vince is going to be pissed when he comes to and his computer has moved out because he left this post on it.

See, that’s the reason I keep my worldly possessions at a bare minimum. So whenever I have to move it’s just me, my bindle, and my bindle stick.

[Sneaks up to sleeping VaLince, tapes attempt to bur off his eyebrows by lighting farts in his face, posts on You Tube as "Fuzzy Musket Wax Job #1"]