Fox, the only movie studio run by and for seals, recently released a new teaser trailer for Alvin & the Chipmunks 2, which I-kid-you-not is actually called Alvin & the Chipmunks: the Squeakuel.  It’s the kinda title that’s really cute if you’re a soccer mom sh*tfaced on Valium.  Anyway, you can tell this isn’t your crusty old grandmammy’s Alvin & the Chipmunks because these Alvin & the Chipmunks don’t just harmonize, they beatbox.  The plot of this one is that the chipmunks show up to school (uh… chipmunk school?) and instantly meet some female chipmunks and fall in love (”Psst, hey, Simon, get a load of these squanks”).  It isn’t quite as strange as the infamous poop-eating teaser from the first movie, but it is a little creepy to see rodents making eyes at each other accompanied by slow jams. It’d definitely go in the spank bank if I was a furry.   Ha, just kidding, I’ve pleasured myself to it three times already.

Also - you can tell they’ve met their soul mates because the female chipmunks (the chipettes) look exactly like their male counterparts.  A girl with glasses for Simon, a cool one for Alvin, etc.  It’s just like when I play wingman for my plump friends.  “Hey, Fatty, check out that fatty over there - she looks perfect for a fatty like you,” I tell them.  “Mmm, she looks hungry.  What’re you waitin for? Go talk to her, wide load.  Don’t worry, I won’t let anyone steal your sandwich.”

The trailer for RoboGeisha has just hit the web (via Twitch), and it’s just your basic Japanese robowhore plot, with the requisite chainsaw face, camera lens blood bukkake, and armpit katanas.  Then there’s the Geisha who kills a guy with shrimp tempuras to the eyeballs, another who transforms into a tank, and of course, the melting-of-adversary’s-face-through-toxic-lactation.  Ho hum.  Japanese films have gotten so staid and predictable lately. Surprise me, you know?

Fear not, this post is exactly what the headline says it is, no tricks.

Is it just me, or does baby goose seem less than thrilled all of a sudden?  “Hey, girl, thanks for the tuxedo shirt.  It’s just, I don’t know.  Wearing something ironically seems… dishonest somehow, you know?”

[see also: FYeahRyanGosling]

ALT HEADLINE: FORKS, WASHINGTON? MORE LIKE DORKS, WASHINGTON.

No matter how you feel about Twilight - hell, pretend it’s the best book ever written - this is still one of dorkiest stories ever.  I’ve told you about Forks, Washington’s Twilight-based economy before, but I had to cover MTV’s recent trip to Summer School in Forks, “a fan event that allowed Twilighters to attend classes, go to a prom and enjoy field trips around the real-life town.” Some guy from MTV (a grown adult, even) even delivered the keynote address.  I know that’s his job, but if it were me I’d have to kick my own ass afterward.

When you pull into town, you see a quaint Disneyland for Twilighters: A motel sign screams “Edward Cullen Slept Here,” a local Chinese restaurant features a “Twilight Dinner” [with Berra egg ro, and Edwah foo yong] and every third storefront sells Robert Pattinson cardboard cutouts, custom-made T-shirts and other “Twilight” trappings (lollipops that read “Bite Me”, bumper stickers that say “Warning: I Drive Like a Cullen”).

“None of our students are vampires — at least, not that we’re aware of,” grinned Kevin Rupprecht, the real-life [dork] principal of Forks High School, who promised me that he resists the daily temptation to call Edward Cullen to his office over the loudspeaker. “We do have a couple of lockers, for the fans, that are designated for Edward and Bella. People like that. And we do know which parking spot the almost-accident occurred in. So we direct fans to that; they eat it up [like bon-bons, or loneliness].”

Another interesting part of the weekend was Saturday night’s “prom” in the Forks High gymnasium. With attendees of all ages dressed in their best evening gowns and suits, popular “Twilight” acts the Bella Cullen Project, Bella Rocks and the Mitch Hansen Band sang odes to the Cullen clan. The YouTube sensation [...] Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans [though they may just have been red from physical exertion].

As we stood in the real-deal Forks cafeteria, it was hard to deny the feeling that Edward could come strolling in at any moment, grab a tray of food that he would only poke at and stare longingly at Bella from across the room [gayest. daydream. ever.]. As the line between fiction and fact continued to blur, the Twilighters exchanged hugs and phone numbers, taking home the memories of a lifetime along with their diplomas.

“We ate at Bella Italia, which is where Edward and Bella had their first date. It was pouring — just like it should be — when we got here,” [a Twihard] continued. “Everywhere you go, you can just imagine Bella and Edward walking down the street in this cozy little town. It really is like being in the home of ‘Twilight.’ “

Man, if L.A. needs an enema, Forks, Washington could use a wedgie.  Maybe Lincoln, Nebraska could stuff it in a locker and give it time to ponder ways of being less lame.

A company called YooStar (subtle, right?) is set to release a game that allows movie fans to “act” “alongside” stars in classic movie scenes, an idea the company calls “like Guitar Hero for movies.”  Above is an artist’s conception of what the game might look like, created using a space-age technology known as “Photoshop.”

The YooStar retail package, which hits stores in mid-August, includes a greenscreen, a high-resolution webcam (which includes dual microphones and remote control), stand and software.

Once fans have inserted themselves into a scene, they can share the clip on their own computer or upload free to a YouTubelike site hosted by YooStar, where anyone can view it. The package will ship with 14 clips (11 from films, one from “Sesame Street” and two “moving backgrounds,” which allow users to improvise a scene).

Included are single scenes from pics as old as “Double Indemnity” (1944) and “Sunset Boulevard” (1950) and as recent as 2006’s “Rocky Balboa” and “Employee of the Month.” [imagine YOU, onscreen with DANE COOK!] The original “Terminator” and “Beverly Hills Cop 2″ are also in the starter pack. [Variety]

They already have this technology down at my local karaoke bar.  It’s amazing, I’ll be rockin’ out to “Radar Love” up on stage, but on the big screen it looks like I’m cruisin down the highway in a convertible.  I’m pretty sure this whole thing was dreamed up by my dad’s friends who constantly forward me pictures like this.  Old people are mystified by Photoshop.

[and I swear I hadn't heard of this when I used the phrase cinematic karaoke this morning...]