Opening this week:
Angels & Demons – Hold onto your seats, Tom Hanks is going to tell you about the Illuminati. And he’s going to look really serious. “We’re going to go on a car chase! But wait, I have to tell you about the history of the Vatican!” I’d rather watch Dan Brown try to pick up Stephenie Meyer at a singles bar. Somebody get on that.
The Brothers Bloom – Rian Johnson’s tale about a pair of con artist brothers looks hopelessly twee, but it does have a kitten on a roller skate. Your call, bro.
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Well, looks like I know what I’m doing this weekend…
*slides left ring finger further up own ass*
Vietnamese Chef: Snap me off a piece of that Kitty-Kat. (Crunch!)
I’d like to see the rape-turtle fuck that shoe…
They see me rollin’, i skatin’
I CAN HAZ SUM FUKNG HLP HEER?!?!
Banner pic:
Ron Howard: “Tooooommmmm, don’t eat that…”
Tom Hanks: “But, I…”
Ron Howard: “Tom…doooonnnn’t. Put the wooden box down…”
Tom Hanks: “I…”
Ron Howard: “Tooommmm, don’t eat that…”
I can’t get to the movies this weekend, so I will pick up the Angels and Demons audio book and play it while I stare at the banner pic. If I remember to blink, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to tell the difference.
You couldn’t get me to watch “Angels & Demons” even if you nailed me to a cross in a theater.
Rian Johnson is gai.
Hmmph. I lost a shoe like that once, when I kicked a big pussy.
I liked “Angels & Demons” when it was on the History Channel.
I’d like to see Dan Brown throw out his back trying to pick up Stephenie Meyer.
Go ahead and laugh at that kitten, but you should see the last guy Snuffles caught illegally parked in a handicapped zone.
You’d think those catholic priests would be fighting to keep their boy-fucking secret under wraps…
but no.
The Illuminati? Sounds like an Italian lightbulb manufacturer. Badabing
Pauly, you talkin about the Nazi’s and the Jews?
I don’t think you’re catching what I’m jizzing, El Topo…
That kitten took waaay too long to bring me my food at Sonic
Here’s the deal Catholic Church: You stop Dan Brown and Stephanie Meyer from having any more of their books adapted and we pretend we didn’t have any Orphanariums.
That’s what a pussy looks like when I’m done with it.
Next time it will use the fucking litter box like it’s told.
Inside this church there is a cupboard. Inside that cupboard there was a box. Inside this box there is a SEVERED HUMAN FINGER! Hahaha! GOT YA!
That’s not a finger, lOAw. Also, say hello to your mother for me.
Catholic Priests are going to be severely disappointed with The Brothers Bloom.
“It was a touching tale of the closeness of two brothers.”
“So what was the problem?”
“I was expecting more touching tail and closeness of brothers.”.
Oh that? That’s Puss N’ Boots’ cousin visiting from Key West.
Jesus’s foreskin is in that little coffin.
I musta had my eye’s closed on that one, Pauly.
I’ll catch it next time, chief.
*pats ass*
Tom Hanks sure is being inquisitive, maybe we should send some goons to Torquemada asking so many questions.
Judging by the skate, Donk, I’d say that’s Nephew Ray Ray from Compton.
Roll. Bounce. Meow. Hairball. Hiss.
[continues staring blankly at kitty pic]
Dr. Fuzzles Hawking, at your service.
Cats + Starlight Express = boffo Broadway box office
Pictured: me rollerblading in the mid-90′s (although I looked like a much bigger pussy)
InkyPee: Sir, take your words back for my Mother is a Saint and… Oh! So that’s how it ended up there. Nevermind, Sorry.
I guess I can’t sue that escort service. They did say pussy in 30 minutes or less.
That little kitty is on the Road to Purrdition. *rolls eyes and kills self*
That skate told me I was the only one!
Fucking slut skate.
Lying cunt skate!
That kitty didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign-he only pawsed.
Hey Guys! That skate’s tongue is licking pussy. Hahahahaha(Shot).
[continues staring blankly at kitty pic]
(fuck you Uproxx(XXXX!) and your duplicate comment bullshit. I’m working a running gag her ya twats)
The license plate said fresh and there were mice in the mirror!
Just wait until kitty reaches his teans and goes all Fast and Furryous on his ride.
That cat’s gonna get a mewving violation!
You know, it’s hard for me to make a play-on-words-spelling joke when I regularly misspell shit like “teans.”
Jesus wept.
That kitty scene was my favo(u)rite part of Death Race.
And….another Crap sammich.
Hold on… I’m making some mayo…
…Tah DAH!!
That kitty must be a criminal, look, he’s being tailed.
I’ll cut the cheese…
Before we eat, first things first…
Lettuce pray
I’m trying to mustard up a good comeback…
For you to poupon…
Rye bother?
This post needs to get bacon track.
White or wheat still here?
I never thought I’d see a kitty that could drive a stick.
That kitty is probably talking on a cell phone and applying mascara.
But I bet that kitty isn’t afraid to ask for directions.
Now I’m in the mood for some pussy on a stick….
Kitty always gripes about his registration fleas.
That kitty is annoyed by slow driving cat “nip” drivers.
Kitty once got a ticket for tailgating.
That cat is skating goofy foot.
What that cat doesn’t know is that you can’t get Fancy Feast in the drive-thru.
I usually have to pay to get some pussy on wheels.
Kitty has a nasty habit of driving right the fuck off the road every time a squirrel runs in front of him.
Ass, gas or catgrass
Hope that kitty didn’t furget to check the hair in his tires before whiskering down the road.
“looks hopelessly twee,”
…the fuck does that mean?
That cat brakes for pet-estrians.
Kitty’s engine purrs.
Kitty has a bumper sticker that reads;
Don’t laugh, it’s paid for.
I have heard of inline skates but feline skates?
This is fucking ridiculous.
Kitty hopes to buy up someday to a nice Hair Jordan.
And also a bumber sticker that says “Dog is my co-pilot”
Bumber?? Yeah, bumber.
This is Toonce’s 15 yr old little brother.
Kitty doesn’t like his drivers license picture, because everybody thinks “Aaawwwwww, it’s so cuuuuuute!”
Kitty likes bumper stickers. He orders them from a catalog.
Kitty keeps an hourglass in the skate in case he has to pee.
Some people don’t think kitty can win the street race, but I think he’s a shoe in.
Better be careful or he’ll get a ticket for kitty littering.
Vagina dingleberries= clitty litter
Yumpin Yiminees! I dursted up a pussy hairball!
Kitty ran a red light when he was distracted by the skatestring.
Also, because he’s colorblind :(
Cats aren’t supposed to be on the road but this kitty has a special claws on his insurance.
Skate taxis are driven by Persians.
Kitty, Kitty! Bang! Bang!
Kitty has a drivers license, but he cheetah’d on his test.
Or….Shitty Clitty Gang-Bang if you’re Duke.
Even if he flips his skate, Kitty always lands on his wheels.
Kitty doesn’t need cash at the gas station. He just tells them to put it on his tabby.
HAIRBAGS DEPLOYED!
Awesome noMo, high five.
Kitty better make sure he doesn’t get skatejacked by a Maine Coon!
For the taxi/Persian that is.
*chest bump*
Kitty is prepared for anything. He has a AAA card if he breaks down, and a KKK card if he breaks down in Watts.
Kitty thinks that the tongue on this skate is not rough enough.
If Kitty runs over any animals, he will bring it home and put it on your doorstep.
[rummages around in brain]
I know there’s a neutered/neutral joke in here, but where did I put it…
Kitty got arrested for a kitten run accident.
Kitty said he’s making a high pitched whine whenever he brakes. I told him his pads are probably worn down.
Ok, this kitty’s feline like going home.
See ya!
I’m out too. Drunk on avian sodomizers.
Meowtta here, too.
Hind sight is always 20/20 when you’re 69ing a Minotaur.
You see, because a Minotaur’s legs are very easy to see in that position.
And the back legs of a Minotaur are called the “hind” legs.
So yeah…..that’s the joke.
I thought that ‘a minotaur’ would be the response given by a pirate who has been long at sea when you ask him how long he would last in the sack.
So, yeah, I’ve had a few cocktails and I like to make bad puns…
And when I say cocktails, I mean rooster feathers. Cuz I’m a bird rapist.
(that was fowl)
Okay, if Pauly can go back to the Minotaur post then I can go back to the black Jekyll and Hyde post.
My brilliant comment (that was censored by Vinky or Big Brother Uproxx) was “it should have been titled Col. Sanders and Mr. Popeye’s”
Now what the fuck is so bad about that? Was it banned because it wasn’t funny enough?
*puts .357 in mouth and strokes finger tip on trigger*
*uncontrollable sobbing*
All I ever wanted in life was a free DVD of a movie I would never pay to go see.
Life is so unfair.
*click*
T-Doot, I have a question…
What’s worse: Blood in your stool, or condoms in your stool?
@TD I censored because (A) it wasn’t that funny. Which, no big deal, not everything I write is funny either. And (B), though I understand your guys’ humor, and I really don’t want to censor too much, I also don’t want newbs who aren’t familiar with you guys thinking my website is some kind of Klan circle jerk (and there are a lot of those on the web). Cool?
Vince doesn’t censor me cause we cyber.
Mr. Pauly?
Hi, I’m TimmyDooter. My Dad said I should let you know if anything ever happened to him. I found him on the floor with my toy gun in his mouth. The orange plastic tip came off the barrel and he choked on it. He was real blue when the ambulance took him away.
He did manage to whisper “tell Vince it’s okay, he doesn’t blame him.”
Could one of you buy me some beer?
Well how could Fek blame him? Vince may have caused the Prolapsed Anus with his love thrusts but Fek was asking for it wearing those sexy little shorts.
That kitty’s tags are expired. I hope he doesn’t get pulled over.
…or rabies.
TimmyDooter, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, Chris Hansen pops out of my fucking pantry.
Despite having all-wheel drive, that skate still doesn’t handle well on linoleum.
Kitty never gets lost; he has TomTomcat.
Also, Paw-nStar.
Roller skate kitty is tired of all these penny loafers in the fast lane.
No officer, Roller Skate Kitty wasn’t driving drunk, there was some asshole with a laser pointer right in front of him.
Donk, stop it some more…
Donk, where were you earlier??
All right I’m back. The emergency room wouldn’t treat me because they were too full of…(careful goDoo)…honorable, hard working, immigrants of Hispanic origin who have come here to earn money to support their hard working honorable families by doing jobs that no American person would do any way and at a wage low enough to be a boon for American companies which strengthens our economy and provides for extra social security benefits for the people who’s identities they have “borrowed”.
And if you didn’t get Timmy drunk Pauly, then who bought him this 18 pack of Old Milwaukee?
I’m not as drunk as I am I fuck.
Location: Wooden Nickle
Status: Drunk
Boner: Engage
So, while we’re all recapping how much we amuse ourselves:
…an unnamed cataclysm that destroyed civilization and most life on earth.
All because Pauly fucked a pig with a sniffle?
See, that’s funny because Pauly’s a Mexican, and a pig is also known as a “swine” and a “sniffle” could be a symptom of “flu”, or in this case, “swine flu”. And Pauly fucked that flu-ridden swine, causing 26-odd deaths in Mexico. And that’s funny, because 26 Mexican deaths are like 8.66 ‘regular’ deaths.
Get it?
Sorry, Chino. I was stuck in traffic behind the skateboarding bulldog chasing down the roller skating kitty.
Good News: Mr. Kitty won the big road race!
Bad News: After Mr. Kitty crossed the finish line, his sphincter was removed, chrome-plated & awarded to him as a prize.
It was a catastrophe.
…
fuck you Duke
…
*Pauly is sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a log cabin, puffing on a wooden pipe and whittling*
Oh, hey! Didn’t see you walk up on me there. Sneaky fuck. Have a seat right here and let Uncle Pauly tell’ya about “Frisky” the cat and his ol’ roller skate…
See now, it’s funny that Frisky was named that cause he was far from it. His Ma must’a been drinkin’ with this one ’cause when Frisky was born he came out with clubbed paws. He couldn’t walk and jump and play like the rest of the cats could and no one wants a cat with clubbed paws. So, the owners of Frisky’s Ma put him in a box and left him on the backdoor step of this ol’ Chinese restaurant called “We Went Wong’s”.
Just then, a lil’ boy named Billy (who looked just like you as a matter o’ fact) heard Frisky meowin’ in that box. He didn’t want lil’ Frisky to become someone’s beef lo mein, so he took Frisky out of that box and gave Frisky a home. Billy and Frisky became the best of friends from that point on. Hell, Billy even put Frisky in one of his ol’ roller skates and taped a stick to his arm so Frisky can push himself around where ever Frisky’s lil’ heart desired.
One day, Billy wanted to go into town for a pop, so Billy walked and Frisky rolled down to General Lee’s General Store in town. Just as Billy crossed ol’ Main street he looked back at the other corner and saw that Frisky was too scared to cross the street. Billy said “C’mon, Frisky. You could do it! C’mon lil’ buddy, cross that street!”. So Frisky got up the courage and started pushing himself aross Main street. Just then, a pick-up truck came haulin’ ass ’round the corner. Billy saw it, but Frisky didn’t cause his lil’ kitty brain was focused on getting to Billy on that other corner down there. Before you know it, it was already too late. That ol’ pick-up truck had ran over Frisky. Skate, push-stick and all. Took all of Frisky’s 9 lives too.
Guess you can say that pick-up truck was a real “pussy magnet”.
Welp, looks like that was my last bowl of weed and I’m done whittlin’ this here wooden dildo. That means it’s time for you to get. But come back again soon and Uncle Pauly’ll have another story to tell’ya…
Recently I found a hot club
– See king tall. C o M –
Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don’t miss your lover.
Go get face caner you spamming hog cock gobbling sack of balls. Seriously, die.
I think sunnygirl just came for Uncle Pauly’s wooden dildo.
I’d stick that dildo where the sun don’t shine. Then I’d pressurize the gas in my anus and shoot it at her face.
Does he have a tape deck to play his meow mix on?
Mr. Kitty only listens to mews radio.
Pauly, I’d nom that shit if’n it tweren’t disqualified on account of length and such.
Fuck it, I nommed it anyway. Fight the Power.
P.S. Click that link. DO IT.
I did. I take it Corky is some kind of retard.
And how long before they realized he’d walked into the broom closet, ate soap and fell asleep?
Suddenly “Flava of Love” makes a lot more sense…