05.11.09 REPORTER FEIGNS INTEREST IN BRUCKHEIMER
Over the weekend, ABC proved that the only thing lamer than the idea of making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game is listening to Jerry Bruckheimer talk about making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game. Partial transcript:
ABC: “You mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s one of Hollywood’s hot young actors. What does he bring to the role.”
SUCKHEIMER: “Well, he’s very handsome. And he’s in fantastic shape. He got in great shape for this movie. And he’s a brilliant actor, which is really what it’s all about.”
Hmm, what it’s all about, you say. And yet he makes the acting part sound like an after thought. ‘Tis curious, no? I’m going to do some Freudian math on the Jerry Bruckheimer movie casting checklist, in order of importance:
1. Is Nic Cage available? If no, then…
2. Hotness
3. Wig-wearing
4-10. Abs
11. Swordfighting
12. Rap
13. Acting talent
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/02/ElvisHorse-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/JayBaruchel-OutofLeague-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/WimpyKid-Ginger-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/JasonSomoa-Camels-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/PIRATES-RobMarshallNINE-150x150.jpg)
There are 15 comments about:
REPORTER FEIGNS INTEREST IN BRUCKHEIMER
Jake Gyllenhaal gets in fantastic shape just following Heath Ledger’s death. Coincidence?
…and Jake does the Hokey Pokey, that’s what it’s all about.
WTF. Ben Kingsley? Stop. Acting. Just. Stop.
At some point I would like to see an honest interview with these mega guys, why are you making this film Mr. Bruckheimer? “Because I am going to make a shitload of money, putz!” Also, is it me or does JG look like he is wearing a plastic chest, friggin weird, also, his face looks like it doesn’t belong on that body, like one of those tacky insert face cut-outs at the amusement park of your choice.
*taps camera*
Will we be seeing any Persians on this Persian tour?
Fun Fact: In Persia they call him Jake the Snake… cause he can’t resist a real charmer’s flute.
That’s not a wig, it’s a Prince of Persian Rug.
“He’s young, taut, and fantastic. He got AMAZINGLY HUGE in a short time. His muscles are BULGING at every turn, especially after the takes. He is INCREDIBLY MASSIVE…”
The transcript to Jerry Bruckheimer’s interview went on to become the most celebrated gay novel of all time.
I’m just itching for the movie version of Assterrhoids.
And Iran, Iran so far awayyyy…
In related news, Jake Gyllenhaal has been suspended for 50 games by Major League Baseball.
Goose: Pauly this is Goose, you have two gay jokes coming up on your 3 o’clock. Over.
Pauly: Goose this is Pauly, gay jokes have been spotted, I’m switching to guns. Over.
Goose: You have permission to engage, over.
Pauly: 10-4skin.
Alternate title: HairyBack Mountain
Burnsy will be relieved to see Razor Ramon’s career is being jump started.
I can wash my clothes on
Ryan Reynolds’Jake Gyllenhaal’s stomach. By “wash my clothes” I mean “spooge”.[whispers]
I’d fuck him face to face.
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