You know, I have to hand it to Andy Milonakis. It’s easy to like someone like Bo Burnham, because he’s all like, “Hi! I’m the precocious, multi-talented boy next door!” Meanwhile, Andy Milonakis always gets an A+ in not giving a f*ck. “Yeah, I’m a borderline psychotic genetic anomaly, what’s up now? I bet you’d love if it I did nice jokes and made sense, wouldn’t you, Bill H. Conformist. Instead I wrote a Jamaican rap about zombies and eating pussy, here it go…” Seriously though, try not to laugh at the “I suck pussy on R train” line. Impossible.
I wonder what it’d be like to be 33 and look 15. I think if I were him, I’d slim down and try to bang 15-year-olds. It’s the American dream.
The American Medical Association Alliance is a lobbying group made up of physicians’ spouses that does helpful things like raising money for cancer research and treating the disabled. Ha, just kidding, they’re trying to ban depictions of smoking in movies.
“Research has shown that one-third to one-half of all young smokers in the United States can be attributed to smoking these youth see in movies,” said Dr. Jonathan Fielding, head of the Los Angeles County Public Health Department. Fielding cited another study that he said “found that adolescents whose favorite movie stars smoked on screen are significantly more likely to be smokers themselves and to have a more accepting attitude toward smoking.”
My own research has shown that fans of Fast and Furious are 85% more like to have a favorable attitude towards cars. Therefore, if we ban Fast and Furious, we can rid the world of almost all cars.
American Medical Association Alliance President Sandi Frost used as her chief example of a movie with “gratuitous smoking” this month’s blockbuster “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” which was rated PG-13. “Millions of children have been exposed to the main star of the film, Hugh Jackman, with a cigar in his mouth in various scenes,” Frost said. “I’m willing to bet that not one child would have enjoyed that movie or Mr. Jackman’s performance any less if he hadn’t been smoking.”
“I know this movie is about Indians, but do they really need to carry tomahawks? Those can be dangerous. It wouldn’t hurt the movie at all if they were playing badminton instead.” Oh well, at least no one’s dumb enough to pay attention to these idiots, right???
(Rated-R for naughty language)
This is a teaser for The Strain, which is actually about vampires, not taking a dump. Oh, and it’s a book, not a movie. Written by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, The Strain: Book One of The Strain Trilogy releases June 2nd.
Del Toro says he teamed with award-winning crime writer Hogan to give The Strain the feel of a science-injected modern television show (which is ironic, because the novel began as del Toro’s outline for a vampire TV series)*. “I’m not good at forensic novels,” del Toro told Wired magazine. “I’m not good at hazmat language and that CSI-style precision. When [Bram] Stoker wrote Dracula, it was very modern, a CSI sort of novel. I wanted to give The Strain a procedural feel, where everything seems real.” [Wired via Cinematical]
With all the good books out there, I hope you wouldn’t spend your time reading Guillermo Del Toro’s dopey vampire book, but whatever. I post this teaser for two reasons: 1. At the 10-second mark, the old man appears to pop up out of the floor - awesome. 2. 50-second mark. The line, “What, like a pinche zombie?” I keep playing it over and over again. Does he actually say “pinche”? Most people who pepper their speech with Spanish words know how to pronounce them. This pinche libro looks puro awesome, ése.
*Not ironic
Oh man. So Manny Shyamalan, fresh off his latest huge flop, is directing The Last Airbender, an adaptation of an anime series from Nickelodeon, starring Dev “Captain Sullenface” Patel from Slumdog Millionaire. Shyamalan, anime, Nickelodeon, Slumdog… The only way I could hate this idea any worse is if you added “featuring a cameo by white guys with dreadlocks, soundtrack by Coldplay, a commentary by Tyra Banks and the cast of The View, and a special appearance by my asshole neighbor who listens to R&B with his speaker on the floor.” Oh God. Can you imagine? This is going to be more self-serious than Jesse James and Def Poetry Night put together. Every time I hear about this project, I turn into this guy.
It’s nice to see Jeremy Piven taking time out of his busy schedule of being the only competent actor on Entourage. Here he stars in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, an Anchorman-esque comedy directed by Chappelle Show co-writer Neil Brennan. He plays a used-car salesman, a role he’s been preparing for by dressing like one for years. It also stars David Koechner, Ving Rhames, the Asian guy from Knocked Up, and James Brolin, who only a couple years ago was more famous than his son Josh. Hopefully this will be his triumphant comeback film. But admittedly, the bar’s set pretty high when you’ve played Raven Kelly on Pensacola: Wings of Gold.
(Green band trailer above, R-Rated red-band trailer below)
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