05.19.09 THE CAST OF TWILIGHT WENT TO THE MALL

Those to dude are swallowing a double ender with their assholes. Boa constrictor style. He who goes deepest, wins. The supernatural types call it, bum-wrestling.

One t(w)o three four, I declare… BUM WAR!

Did I mention how much I liked the book?

I can’t be sure, but I think a few of my class mates had their senior pictures taken with that back drop. And the Mexican.

This is more Sears than Glamour Shots because of the lack of collar touching.

I have it right here in front of me, to return to my alleged “friend” who loaned it to me.

I made it to page 312 (without cutting myself!), which I think is admirable.

“OK, one more photo and we’re done. My friend, Creepy Guy From Requiem For a Dream, requested an ‘ass-to-ass’ shot.”

/”ass-two-ass” is redundant

Give Bob Ross a half hour and he’ll come up with a more believable woodland backdrop.

This is like JC Penney meets Bass Pro Shop.

Yeah, dudes be fightin over chicks who don’t put out. I think this takes place in the bizarro world where Jamie Foxx is Sinatra.

I call bullshit.

That moon is waning, not new. Fuck off.

You know what is far-fetched for a Mormon chick? The groceries.

That bitch isn’t nearly blond enough for a Mexican dude.

Stat I learned fron Time magazine;

1 in 6 books sold WORLDWIDE in 2008 were part of the Twilight series.

Do with that what you will.

Gimme an F!

Word J. And her ass isn’t frijole engourged either.

Anybody half-expecting her to have a friend named Van-Helsing who’s a pushover sissy who “appreciates her for who she is” not like those bad boys she keeps ending up with?

*begins humming and tapping feet*

Going to the temple and we’re, gonna’ wear m-a-a-a-a-a-a-gic underwear…

You mean they work at the mall.

There’s got to be a way some industrious person could take an exacto to that poster and the similar-hued poster for Anti Christ, switch a few things around, and give a few preteens a real show for their $9.50.

F!

I’m about as likely to see this movie as the eyeless 4 year-old is.

F

I think “New Moon” is codespeak for its the first time these fags are gonna fuck.

This shit is so emo, the director had to yell “don’t CUT!” after each take.

*Donk snorts a line of coke off a hooker’s ass*

Ok dude so listen, Listen! FUCKING LISTEN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! I have got this shit! It’s so fucking brilliant all you fucks should quit life right the fuck now for not thinking it earlier. What if we made, like ‘Underworld’, but for even more emotionally stunted retards? FUCKING GOLDMINE BABY!

Does a Mexican Werewolf smell like a wet chihuahua when he takes a shower?

If I saw a herd of Twilight fans coming at me, I’d hide in a Footlocker for safety. No way they’ll go in there.

Al, how did you make it to page 312 of twilight? The writing is on par with a 9 year old’s diary. They had a copy at a book store at the airport and i read the first five pages or so before i had to put it down in disgust.

Gimme an A! (crappy)

Well, if there was ever a time to bring the vampire/werewolf Eiffel Tower into the mainstream, I guess it’s today.

*stops beating off with werewolf gloves and tosses them to Pauly*

Caption:

Edward: Who farted?

Jacob: It wasn’t me, I know it was you sparkleass.

Bella: Oh god not this again…

Edward: Everyone knows its always the DOG that does it…ball licker.

Jacob: Growl!!!

(that’s all I got)

This isn’t what Chris Berman was talking about when he said “Back-to-back jacks”.

most native american kids i knew used to wear wolf shirts not be shirtless wolves

This just fucks up my whole mythology. Apparently, kicking Wolfman in the nards isn’t always an effective means of self-defense.

Will the mall scene feature a confused Beethoven playing a Casio keyboard in the music store?

A!

Pick your poison, Bella: white, baby dick or hairy, dad shlong.

A!

Gimmie a “NGSTERS!”

Well, that went well Stone.
Fugit.

Mexican werewolves can be tricked into baying at large spotlights mounted in the bed of pick-up trucks.

Sorry, C-Dog. I thought you went to lunch.

A Crappy!

Having never read the books, can anyone tell me if Jacob’s werewolf transformation affects John Wayne’s teeth?

WOLFMAN BANGS NARDS!?!

I blame myself.

(points to crotch)

Eh J, just stupid work stuff. Then some guy came to my office and asked me if I had ever gotten one of those government grants, I told him ya, I got two lawn chairs for my garage, ordained on the internet, and got a grant to start the Church of Joe. He thought that was cool and left.

McN’up!

So does Bella have Bruno judge a fashion show between these two fucks to see who her lifelong love will be?