WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ‘GUUUUUHH’
05.21.09
Variety today reports that beautifully big-breasted actress Rosario Dawson has signed on for The Zookeeper, opposite Kevin James. What’s The Zookeeper, you ask? I’ve told you before, but you probably repressed the memory like the time your uncle showed you the bananafish.
Live actioner centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.
(*pounds head on desk*)
Project reteams “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” producers James, Sussman and Garner (“Sorcerer’s Apprentice”). MGM won a bidding war last year for the “Zookeeper” spec, paying $2 million against $3 million, while the studio was ramping up a slate of homegrown projects.
(*cocks pistol, aims at temple*).
Writer: “I WROTE A SCRIPT!”
MGM Exec: “OMG WHATS IT ABOUT!”
Writer: “ITS LIKE HITCH, BUT WILL SMITH IS A ZEBRA!”
MGM Exec: “I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION: DOES IT RAP!”
Writer: “HAHA! OF COURSE!”
MGM Exec: “OMG PRICELESS! HERE’S TWO MILLION DOLLARS! LET’S HOLD HANDS AND F*CK!”
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Tooth-Fairy-Main-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Candy-Land-Sandler-Happy-Madison-150x150.jpg)
Why learn from animals? I’m sure he already mates
withlike hippos.MGM Exec: It was written by a MANATEE?! It can’t fail!
Writer: Uh, sir, that’s Kevin James, the star.
*** door bursts open ***
Richard Dreyfuss: I GOT HERE AS SOON AS I HEARD….
There was a bidding WAR for this idea? And the writer got $2M for it? I’m so happy for that person!
/cuts self
/with broken glass
/by “self” I mean my dick
/but you knew that
THIS WAS NOT A CASTING ACCIDENT!!
What do the hippo’s have to teach him? He obviously already knows to release crap in public.
Building your potential mate a hut out of trash may work for Slumdog actresses, but not for Rosario Dawson.
Producers got the idea after attending a seminar taught by monkeys. There, they learned how to throw shit at a screen.
I learned this trick from the peacock!
*record scratch*
I hope they include the scene that details the mating habits he learns from lions in which he beats her up, kills her kid, then takes her from behind.
The chimps will have him pissing in his mouth in no time.
Moose: Well, first you gotta drink her piss to make sure she’s in the mood.
What I’m trying to say here is that animal mating habits are fucking gross, much like people from New Jersey.
I hope Rosario Dawson learns her mating habits from a praying mantis and bites his head off.
The funny part is this whole movie is the producer’s way of trying to get a girl to go out with him.
He learned it from the dung beetle.
Did anybody else have monkey shit hit their face after they read this?
Most people don’t know that Kevin James is actually a large, shaved capibera who’s kept on a sugar high.
Bonobos fuck to say “hello.” And “goodbye.” And “Nice day, yes?” well, lets just say, Bonobos be fuckin, yo!
The male seahorse is the only one trying to talk him out of it.
Fuck you guys.
I hope Rosario has a throat like a giraffe.
Rosario Dawson and Kevin James? Please tell me there is a strap-on involved.
With the right set of eyes, if you look at that banner pic, Kevin appears to be going down on a big black dildo.
LOL! If I ask for “camel toe” in this thread, I might LITERALLY get it! :D
Let’s face it, after Blart, James had Hollywood execs jerkin’ off to his little butt he can make by squishing his belly together between his hands. I fucking hate life.
The Jamacan crab is a total buzz kill. He’s always like, “Kebin! Whachoo dooin man? Dont’ be finger banging da Churro gurl!”
The cougar will be voiced by Farrah Faucet. The cougar is high alot.
The Zebra, voiced by SJP, is pissed the horses for the hay ride get all the nice shoes.
If Steven Colbert agrees to voice the Eagle in this, then Steven Colbert can go fuck himself..
zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating
Their methods aren’t really that different than that of humans. If the female wants to fuck, she’s gonna get fucked. If the male wants to fuck, he has to put on a bullshit song and dance routine until she gets tired of his shit and just gets it over with.
Really? Durst now? You guys working o que? The who voices what animal meme is chock full-o-fun.
…fugit… I’ll just go do work or something…
[shoves hands in pockets, tickles balls, kicks rocks]
Did only fat people get the little butt joke?
I liked this better when it was called Tommy and the Cool Mule.
Fuck it, Kevin Blart can put a Milkbone up his little bellybutt, and the Hollywood execs can do a version of the soggy biscuit with it, where the last guy to cream Blart’s bellybutt has to eat the Milkbone out of a bowl of fucking Alpo like a fucking dog.
FUCK THIS!
SCARLETT JOHANSSEN SEX TAPE!!!!
I like how movies are now leaning towards the ‘fat guys getting hot chicks’ premise. It’s about time that Hollywood recognizes that us big guys ne..*microwave buzzer goes of*
OOH! MY FUCKING CORNDOGS ARE READY!
Which one of you fatasses ate the ‘f’ on my ‘off’?
*** quickly wipes crumbs out of beard ***
It was Fek!
FEK!
What the fuck is up with Pauly’s name characters?
*knew he shouldn’t have eaten whatever the fuck that dirty Rastafarian offered him outside Sbarro*
It’s ok, JHC. You’re not seeing things…..yet.
Tony the Tiger thinks this move is going to be GRRRRRRREAT!
Colbert, please don’t ruin our relationship by taking part in this….I’m begging.
But I hafta ask, did dying in Rent really screw up Dawson’s head so much that she went from playing the love interest to Dumpy Dante in Clerks 2 to being the love interest to Dumpy James?
Zookeeper sounds like a real hoot, but i’m gonna hold out for Paul Blart: Slavemaster. A prequel to 100 million dollar hit in which 1850′s Blart tries to keep his prized slaves from escaping and meanwhile finds love with one of his sweeter slavestresses, Mammy Slavington. Get ready White America, you’re hero is back and he owns blacks.