05.20.09 JOSH BROLIN WILL KILL PEOPLE, FREE SLAVES

So he’s going to be playing an underground magician?

Brown’s beard does look perfect for a white person. Or a black person.

Brolin: ““I know the character really well…I mean, we dug him up, fucked with his shoes, arranged his fingers into gang signs and then took pictures. Yeah, I know the character.”

Left banner pic: John Brown in a nutshell.

So Brolin wants to play a wild-eyed white guy with a crazy beard?

Why not just hire Mel Gibson?

He was so hung that he used his penis as a kickstand until he saw your mom naked, then he went limp and died

Robo, Brown is a magician. But you can defeat him if you hit him when the diamond on his forehead lights up.

Joaquin Phoenix has been working on a similar project for months, except in his version John Brown first teaches the black man how to rap.

I think Josh Brolin is the perfect choice for the part. I mean, I can’t even describe to you how many times my mom has mentioned, “Hey, I’d fuck the shit out of John Brown. He was a handsome dude”.

I wish John Brown could go forward in time so he could visit Compton and see what he gave his life for.

(This could be positive or negative depending on one’s own viewpoint. Don’t call me a fucking racist (again))

Little known fact: John Brown was also once tied to a barcalounger, while his little brother’s friends went looking for treasure.

John Brown onced fucked Helen Keller, that’s why she went deaf and blind.

Did You Know?

John Brown’s Surname was Channing Tatum v1.0.

John Brown and me are a lot alike. Neither of us ever met a driver from Missouri we didn’t want to hit with a hatchet.

John Brown had so many black women he was the inspiration for the term “Brown Sugar”.

Neither of us ever met a driver from Missouri we didn’t want to hit with a hatchet.

A-fucking-men.

Shit. I was really hoping Brolin would take the roll of (insert some other historical figure I could give two fucks about). Dang it.

<– how I look when riding with a Missouri driver

I’ve got it! It was John Brown, in the tree, with the rope.

*pulls down pants and takes giant shit on Clue board*

I heard Jamie Foxx is up for the part of Robert E. Lee.

John Brown’s voice was the inspiration behind T-Pain’s career.

John Brown proved that “once you go black you never go back” unless someone hangs you for it.

If anybody from ‘No Country for Old Men’ should be playing John Brown, it should be Anton Chigurh.

John Brown invented the Soulja Boy sunglasses.

John Brown was the first person to mix cocoa and butter.

John Brown once shouted the Emancipation Proclamation in a female bear’s ear while fucking it. That bear’s cub, immediately after being born tracked down Abraham Lincoln, killed three secret service members to get close enough to him and sang word for word in a perfect falsetto voice.

John Brown ended every sentence by asking “Na’mean?”

John Brown fathered so many bastard deer that he’s the reason an unknown person is called a John Doe.

John Brown is related to Gary Busey through awesome.

This is an interesting choice because Josh Brolin hates black people.

John Brown wasn’t executed, he was hung by a rival west coast abolitionist.

Better than a poke in the eye? Depends on what you’re poking me with.

Or which “eye”…

John Brown’s spirit caught an episode of I ♥ New York and said, “I died for this?”.

John Brown is the reason we still have rec centers.

John Brown’s spirit caught a rerun of Sanford and Son and said “It was worth it.”

John Brown’s mean stare was a major contributing factor in the near extinction of the buffalo.

John Brown’s .44 make sure all yo’ kids won’t grow.

Upon seeing what the Wayans Brothers have done with the opportunities made possible to them thanks to Mr. Brown’s efforts, John has since had a change of heart.

Glenn Beck ranted about Brown being a baby killer until someone explained to him what an abolitionist was. But Lou Dobbs overheard the convo and flipped his lip.

True story: If you name all your characters on Oregon Trail after John Brown, none of them will die, even if you buy no supplies and never feed them.

Michael Jackson once bought a collection of John Brown memorabilia and found a hidden set of instructions for the Moon Walk.

*chodin teaches a history class to James, Bobby and Chris*

chodin: “Now class, what was John Brown fighting for? And you guys, please know that he wasn’t trying to make his significant other shut the fuck up.”

He did it all for the nookie.

People misunderstand his position. Whe he said he wanted “free black people” he just didn’t want to pay for them.

New up.