05.01.09 HOORAY, MORE EFFING VAMPIRES!

Twilight has taught me to abstain from seeing this.

/Edward bites, Bella creams, vampire movies blow.

Who the hell tore off my girlfriend’s vagina and stuck it on that dude’s face?!!?
Not.cool.

The Last Voyage of Demeter is how I describe America’s smack down of the metric system.

There’s only one way to take care of all of these pussy vampire movies:

Garlic Massengil

“Dude” 1: Hey, I grew a full ZZ Top beard!
“Dude” 2: You still look like an old lesbian. Might be the hat.
Terrence Howard: If you feel the time signature–if you FEEL it–the rhythm confronts you on the tachyon level.
Vampire: Two! Two sexually ambiguous beings. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Oh, and seriously, Vince – would it (literally) kill you to throw me a fucking “Fangster” tag once in a while? I mean, everyone here is saying it.

“Old dude sucking a bunch of sailors? This sounds too gay even for me.”–Fudgepacula

Those guys on the left have boating experience. They used to be butt pirates.

Cabinassboy walks up to captain;
CB: Captain, what’s that ship’s wheel doing straped to your hips?
Captain: I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts.

I’m waiting for the story about the very popular urban vampire who was killed in his prime, despite rumors of his death being faked – Tupacula.

(The Original Fangster)

It seems the death of Evan Tanner was exaggerated.

I think we’d all like a script where the vampire gets addicted to heroin after drinking a junkie

Smackula

Demeter just blamed all of his problems on that crate of pomegranite seeds he was hauling.

Isn’t Scott Bakula the obvious choice for nevermind I suck today.

^That, boys and girls, is oblique.

MOTHERFUCKER! Crap just beat me to the Greek Mythology joke that I was looking for.*

* but in all fairness probably would not have found anyway

You’ve been holding on to that one for some time now, huh Stoney?

The story of a vampire offering hope and change: barackula.

It was a stretch dude, and a limp wristed one at that. If yooz gots one, toss it in the ring.

Whenever Demeter went to Italy they would always ask him, Are you Ceresus?”

+”

See, that one was worse…
…hmmm, there’s gotta be another one in here…

*shouts from corner*

Herve Villechaize used to get parking tickets constantly because he couldn’t reach demeter.

Huh! Would you look at that? I made a post without using one fucking swear word! I may have that pig thing everyone’s got their tails in a knot about.

Demeter walks up to a guy and asks, “Hey, you wanna ta buy dis ‘ere Dolce Gabana purse? Only $50!”
Guy says, “Hades persephone! I no giva you nuthin!”

[stage bow]
OK, I’m done.

My boss is a real drag. If these vampires were here, I’d let Demeter.

I got nothing.

Isn’t Demeter in Al’s armada?

I don’t know about that Crappy, but some of her plug in models really make demeter peg.

Nurp yup!