GIRLS CAN’T BE BASTERDS, SILLY!
05.06.09
Here’s the latest poster from Tarantino’s (we all know this is a Tarantino movie now, right? I can stop saying that?) Inglourious Basterds, featuring Diane Kruger, who plays Bridget von Hammersmark in the movie.
I don’t know about this ‘Diane Kruger is a Basterd’ business. Girls are bitches, c-nts, sluts, skanks, whores, and queef layers, but not bastards. Dudes are bastards. Bastards, a-holes, douchebags, c-nts, twats, dipsh-ts, sh-tforbrainses, numbnuts, asswipes, dickholes, dickwipes, poopsmears, f-cknuts, fartknockers, sh-tsniffers, d-cklickers, and spunk monkeys. That’s the way it is and that’s how it shall stay, so sayeth the lord. Unless… Were they trying to imply that Diane Kruger is a dude? …Yeah, I can kind of see it now. It’s in the chin.
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Is there a Nightmare on Elm Street theme going on here?
… and the adam’s apple she’s cleverly hiding.
Don’t you mean “girls are Bichis?”
Yeah? Well I’d totally fuck that dude in the ass.*
* not in a ghey way
GIRLS CAN’T BE BASTERDS, SILLY!
The “E” is for Estrogen.
You forgot hosebeasts.
Poopsmear? Is that like a prostate exam?
Dudes are bastards. Bastards, a-holes, douchebags, c-nts, twats, dipsh-ts, sh-tforbrainses, numbnuts, asswipes, dickholes, dickwipes, poopsmears, f-cknuts, fartknockers, sh-tsniffers, d-cklickers, and spunk monkeys.
…and Methodists.
Could you repeat that, sir?
I don’t ever remember saying guys are dickholes.
*checks Guido beach thread from months ago*
Never mind.
I’d like to hammer a mushroom shaped mark von her forehead.
If that’s a tranny, I’d earn that merit badge.
oh hey guys, in case you were wonderin’, i was stuck back in that fucking lucy pinder post, thinking of ironic mutant monikers
Eich bein ein BOING!
If she’s a dude, I still shouldn’t have masturbated to Brad Pitt in Troy.
Poopsmear is what you do after you’ve thrown the feces onto the wall.
In a pinch, the inside of a pillowcase can be used as a dickwipe.
I’ll stick to ‘Bird Rapists’. It’s unisex.
I’d like to make a motion to move dicklickers to the girls list.
You suck one cock…
This one’s for Stoney:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0505092birds1.html
SFW I guess, depending on how you view birds.
Thanks, MIZ. I’ve been looking for a good way to transport my birds.
(points to crotch)
@ J; …and you’ve sucked them all. Right guys? Guys… hello?
Wouldn’t a songbird by nature be difficult to smuggle anywhere?
Maybe. Maybe not. I lost count.
‘Tis true Al. ‘Tis true. Even if you cage them, its my understanding they still sing.
Depends on how tight said confinement is, Al.
Just enough room to breathe, but not enough to make any noise.
Just like how you guys continuously “hug” your dates.
Just enough room to breathe, but not enough to make any noise. Just like how you guys continuously “hug” your dates.
That’s how I like my dates to mouth “hug” me, Al.
Aww, who am I kidding? I haven’t dated in the better part of 15 years. I’m a fraud.
But you’re still sexy, baby :)
*shuffles feet* Shucks…
My 15 year anniversary is in October. What the hell should I get my wife? Seriously, I need your guys’ help. Well, not the guys so much as the ladies and Robo’s.
SPA DAY. Or half day. Or partial day.
For realz. You can spend as much or as little as you want on that.
Also, you can get a couple’s package so you get a massage too :)
She’d probably enjoy this Durst. And a box of chocolate covered raped birds.
Buy her a DVD of The Dark Crystal.
Buy her the Twilight books if you want a divorce.
…and a Chewbacca mask with furry brown handcuffs. And a cattle prod.
Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.
She actually likes that movie, Donk. Thanks but no thanks, Al. Duke, she’s always been partial to the Vader get up.
…and some crystal meth. The meth ties it all together romantically and makes it traditional.
She looks like Crispin Glover in drag….
which explains my erection.
I think I want to party with the Duke.
Get her the Pantera Official Live 101 Proof CD.
J, my only advice is to listen, very, very, closely. She will tell you what she wants before then.
If she doesn’t, I’d go with some Fabreeze and a dildo.
What do you think of Pauly’s new avatar boys? I think I’m aboot to fackin’ shit my pants like the time I saw that Samsquamch outside my shed! Holy Fack!
*seriously doubts 99% of you get that* *winks knowingly at Al, Pauly and possibly Maxwell*
It’s that trailer park show, eh?
The fucked up part is, I’d be happy with a beej. I’m easy to shop for.
Yeah. You’d think I was getting residuals the way I pimp that show, but holy fuck it’s so funny. Dumber than a box of hair, but funny.
Send her to one of those parties where chicks get together, drink wine and learn how to give bj’s. That’s a thoughtful gift and I bet she’d appreciate that.
Are you and Al trying to make me single?
If you don’t want to go as far as the bj party, you can always try the poll-dance lesson party.
*steeples fingers*
Perhaps…
True Story
OK, so today at lunch I’m paying this dude I get chow from all the time right, (I wasn’t lying about that pastrami) and as I hand him a few singles I say, “I wonder how many stipper cracks thoes singles have been in. hehe” He looks at the money like it is smeared with shit and semen and sets it next to the register.
“Poll”? WTF? Is she voting or taking her clothes off?
You might want to patronize a new deli for a while, Crappy.
Whatever you say Bubbles. Just keep Conky the fuck away from me for fucksake.
UUUpppppPPRRROOOXXX
And he says, “Why would you ask me… you… that’s not…”
I say, “See ya later.” And take pride in the fact that I totally fucked up that dude’s outlook. Unfortunately I’ll never trust the food I get there anymore but all the same…
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
You said “poll”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah, I think I’ll be disguising my call in orders from now on.
Fuck off, we have an election coming up here.
Isn’t this day over yet?
Heh I said “coming up”
Heh, you said election… wait, you’re not a zipper head… that’s not funny.
I think you guys need to have an election to finally decide what those Inuits get to call snow. That 400 word thing really chaps my ass.
My vote, alickyboomboomdown.
Chino has 400 words for rain TAKE THAT, SEATTLE!
And twice that many for suicide. Cobain is my favo(u)rite.
*adds Duke to the cool kids list*
Crap, Courtney did it! Everyone knows that.
Well, I have to go be pivot man for a management circle jerk.
Ciao, you magnifificunt basterds!
*menacingly laughs*
I’m not ashamed to say I’m a basterd. In fact, I come from a long line of single people.
I always thought a basterd was fishpoop.
Chino…
How you doing?
Good now that I didn’t durst on fishpoop. I still won’t as long as I don’t click the Submit Comment button…
DUUUUURST!
I am not here to help.
hello bitches, I have come to keel Nazis
Awwww, yeah. The PFC is in the hizzy.
Mooncups all around!
Why would crap want to go to New Delhi? Is he buying one of those slumdog kids?
Ladies, hate to twat-block here but this is the No Poon Afternoon hour so…. go make me a sandwich!
PFC?
If Crap owned a slumdog, would it then be called a diremutt???
Pauly… FB
Fuck, Al…what did I do now?
[slow clap]
Chino, I don’t know how long you’ve been waiting to use that, but… brilliant.
How long I’ve been waiting to use that?? Eibz just said it just now!
Pauly – you didn’t do anything, do you want a visit or not?
Visitors!
Don’t get excited, “visit” is Canadian for “punch in the nose”.
Hey you guys remember that thing that you do when you’re givin a girl some love from behind and then you spit on her back so she thinks you came and turns around and then you let her have it right in the face? Well, that dude missed, and now she’s looks kinda pissed.
…or at least mildly annoyed.
…can somebody help me find the retract comment button? I lost it under a pile of bad grammar and dead tranny parts.
Were they trying to imply that Diane Kruger is a dude?
Surely if that were the case, they would’ve gone with “Dude Von Dudenstein”?
I don’t want a punch in the nose as much as I’d love a punch to the dick.
Just close your eyes and punch your own dick, Pauly. It hurts just as much as if someone else did it.
looks like we gots ourselves a good old fashioned durst
Thumb.
My dick hits back.
Pauly.
Then you need to aim lower.
*grabs notebook and feather, dips feather tip into bottle of ink*
Id. Go on…
If she IS a dude, I bet her lover has to wear an eyepatch during sex