05.22.09 I’M WRITING A BAZOOKA JOE MOVIE. FML.
What’s a picture of a Bazooka Joe wrapper doing on a movie blog? Dude… you don’t even want to know. Now that you’ve been warned… Michael Eisner’s production company is doing a BAZOOKA JOE MOVIE, to be written by newcomer Mark Hammer.
Hammer, who this weekend is attending the graduation ceremony at Orange County’s Chapman University, where he studied film, wrote a spec titled “Sonny Takes to Peru,” which made the studio rounds but ultimately did not sell.
That spec, however, turned into a strong writing sample that got him into meetings as well as representation at management outfit the Safran Co. Execs at Tornante, seeking to fill their open writing assignment,liked the spec and brought in Hammer, who gave them his winning take. [THR]
And there you have everything wrong with the movie business in a nutshell. Let’s recap: A guy wrote a good, original script that everyone in town liked. Did anyone make a movie out of it? Of course not. They called the guy into an office and said, “Here, see what you can do with this gum wrapper from the 50s.”
There are 30 comments about:
I’M WRITING A BAZOOKA JOE MOVIE. FML.
The difference between me and Bazooka Joe is that my cum is easier to get out of a girl’s hair than gum.
This idea blows.
Not bubbles either.
Being the pivot man in the Magic Circle Club is how I got jumped in to Filmdrunk.
I chewed this shit back in little league and the only thing I remember about it is it being as hard as rhino labia.
When I see a kid with an eye patch named “Bazooka” Joe, my ‘putting-2-and-2-together’ logic says he probably lost his eye in a blow job accident.
And what the fuck was Mort’s deal?
Was he hiding a flare-up?
They should get Heath Ledger for the role of Walkie-Talkie. I heard he can play dead real well.
*plays rimshot with penis, elbow drops dead horse*
In my line of work, if you need an eye patch, you probably deserve it.
*punches card in time clock, goes back to “fluffing”*
I remember the grape flavored Bazooka Joe…..it would grape the fuck out of my mouth!
If I had a nickle for everytime I bought a Bazooka Joe bubblegum, I’d have a nickle to buy another.
I hypothesize this will skip a theatrical release and go straight to the underside of a table.
i just hope Hammer is able to hold off blowing his load early on by not giving us the answer to how Joe lost that eye of his. I Fuck, i mean i hope they wait for the sequel to reveal that priceless bit of info.
Are they going to bring back Bazooka’s drug dealing, wise talking black sidekick, Nine Millimeter Nicky? I smell conflict, huh? huh?
*winks six times at no one*
Another difference between me and Bazooka Joe gum is that we’re always in some kid’s mouth.
I’ll just stick with my VHS compilation of Doublemint ads, thanks all the same.
In the gripping opening sequence, police storm a suburban living room to find a mess of broken furniture, empty spray cans and faeces. They discover a small blond boy, cowering in the corner, his face bloodied with gore.
“What happened, kid?” they ask.
“My daddy ate my eye.”
And that’s the origin story of the Next Big Comic Movie Hero.
Wow, that was REALLY fucking sick!
*pats self on butt*
I am almost sure that if you read all the comments before this one out loud, the movie would be 10x funnier than Bazooka Joe.
I’m looking forward to “Big League Jew, the Sandy Koufax Story” on MLB Network.
What about “Double Bubble: the life of Kim Kardashian”?
“Black Jack”, the story of John Singleton’s journey from South Central to Hollywood.
The shocking twist is that Mort lowers his turtleneck to reveal: HE’S GERALD POSNER!! AAAAGGHHHHH!
I hope they cover the story of how Joe enlisted to fight in the jungles of Korea to keep the supply lines open for his most important ingredient. They can call it Bazooka Joe: This Means Guar.
Not to be Debbie Downer over here, but a Nuclear Warheads movie seems more topical right now. With Kevin James.
*eats own eyes*
Fuck this shit. When is “Chiclets” with Trejo happening?
See, he’s black and Jack is a nickname for John. Fuck you guys.
Never, rageBear.
Danny Trejo chews bullets.
This will be filmed with reels of Bubble Tape.
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: This will be filmed with reels of Bubble Tape.
I woulda said Fruit by the Foot personally except for bad memories of that nickname from high school….
I went to Chapman University’s film school.
I now live in Ohio with my parents.
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