UWE BOLL, BILLY ZANE, DARFUR… WHAT??
04.02.09
Uwe Boll, everyone’s favorite hack director (it’s passé to demand that he stop making movies, but he does suck), is reportedly shooting a film called Janjaweed about the strife in Sudan (the Janjaweed are an Islamic militia responsible for many of the massacres). According to Variety, it stars Edward Furlong (Terminator 2), Billy Zane, and Kristanna Loken, and is shooting right now in Cape Town.
Aside from the idea that a guy who does awful video-game movies is now directing a movie about the Darfur massacre, Boll was last suing Billy Zane for 700 large, not even a year ago. Hard to imagine they’d be working together again so quickly. So I ask, Variety, is this your idea of an April Fool’s Day joke? If it is, please go back to doing what you do best, like making up gay words like “prexy” and “helmer” and “protag,” and writing stories with child-like metaphors. Leave the jokes about Africa and rape to me.
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Cape Town, South Africa and Batman, Turkey should be sister cities goddamnit.
Uwe Boll is just about retarded enough to make sense of Darfur. I smell a winner.
Members of the Janjaweed are said to be able to deal with the horrors they inflict upon their countrymen because of their lack of short-term memory.
Maybe Uwe won the lawsuit and Billy Zane has to act in this to pay off the $700,000.
Wait, if it’s $700,000 Zane will have to appear in 700 Uwe Boll movies to liquidate his debt.
Ebola, Apartheid, Collora, Blood Diamonds, Uwe Bol. Africa can’t catch a fucking break.
If anyone can make what’s happening in Darfur funny, Uwe can. Even if it’s completely unintentional.
Donk, you’re on fire today. If I ever get around to the nom page without being attacked by the tabs…
Members of the Janjaweed go for $50 an 8th.
Eddy Furlong only signed on cause he thought Janjaweed was regular weed laced with crystal meth.
At first, I hated the Janjaweed. But, eventually they grew on me.
Members of the Janjaweed were about to massacre, rape, and force displacement onto the people a Darfur, but they got the munchies and went to go get Funyuns instead.
He’s cast Tara Reid as an anthropologist once, oh, please, please, please…
In America its “Bling Bling” but in Africa its “Bling Boll”.
They didn’t always go by Janjaweed. For some reason, nobody took them seriously when they called themselves Dandelions.
Vern Troyer is set to play a Janjaweed member that goes by the name of “Pinner”
Janjaweed is a gateway militia.
They were named by the families they terrorized based on what they would demand.
“Give us ja livestock janja money janja daughter janjaweed.”
I can see a bunch of African dignataries storming the set to protest this film only to have Uwe Boll laugh in their faces, creepily saying “Diplomatic Immunity” like the South African bad guy in Lethal Weapon 2.
Villager: Help us, Billy Zane! The Janjaweed attacked our village and killed your brother!
Zane: This time, they’ve gone one toke over the line.
*Air guitar*
Bill Clinton checked out Janjaweed, but he never became an official member.
Ben Harper withdrew his membership from Janjaweed when he found out that when they said Burn One Down they meant a village of women and children.
Snoop Dogg is a member of Janizzleweed.
Woody Harrelson wears Janjaweed clothing and sandals.
The residual effects of Janjaweed stay in a woman’s system for up to nine months.
Joaquin Phoenix does the theme song for this film, “The Janjaweed Rap.”
Not even a court would see something involving Uwe Boll and Billy Zane.
Michael Phelps smokes Janjaweed out of a Cong(o).
After smoking too much Janjaweed I get the weirdest craving for Pygmy rinds.
I hope the cast and crew are staying at Hotel Rwanda
I hope the cast and crew are staying at Hotel Rwanda
Isn’t that an Eagles song, 6ways?
There is no Zimbabwe I’m watching this.
Pamela Anderson is against the glamorization of Dar-fur.
Janjaweed wants to go rape and massacre but just can’t seem to get off the couch!
Fuck. Even though she doesn’t have a clue what the hell a Dar is.
Janjaweed’s top-secret, bunker HQ was recently discovered. They probably shouldn’t have built it anywhere near Cypress Hill.
Janjaweed’s guns use roachclips.
So I shouldn’t give my dealer money for janjaweed ?
This is (reefer) madness!
THIS. IS. JANJA!
Knowing Uwe Boll, he’ll find a way to bogard the Janjaweed.
The members of Janjaweed all suffer from glaucoma and therefore need to be members.
You don’t “puff, puff, give” Janjaweed. You “shut the fuck up and hope they pass your house”.
Janjaweed is on the cover of this month’s High Times.
Members of Janjaweed often brag about the size of their seeds & stems.
Uwe Boll is so classy he gives reacharounds to people in front of him in line at McDonalds.
I just hope they smoke that Uwe Boll
Billy Zane’s dialect coach has taught him that every African starts a sentence with:
“Yoo Lis-sen To Me My Friend…”
What’s a Dar for?
Darfur? I hardly knew her!
Janjaweed says BONG!!!!
burnsy i nominated your comment from 12:34, ’cause it was awesome