TWILIGHT FANS WILL CUT JU, MANG
04.09.09
A trampstamp about an abstinence parable… oh the delicious irony. Delicious, retarded irony.
In other news I can’t believe is real, Twilight fans (“Twihards”) are being blamed for a series of violent attacks on Twilight haters (“antis”). As discovered by io9, Urban Dictionary even has an entry for Twihard, which includes 10 signs you might be a Twihard, including…
10. Whenever you hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, you can’t help but replacing the words with “Edward is a Virgin”
I would rather read my own positive STD test results than that sentence again. In any case, these attacks on antis supposedly include bat beatings, brick throwings, flare gun attacks, jumpings, acid throwings and more. Take the stories with a few grains of salt because they mostly come from a Twilight Sucks message board, and in fact I have a hard time believing they’re not someone’s idea of a joke. Nevertheless, it’s a pretty good one. Sample attack story:
At lunch today every single girl at the table is talking about Twilight. I try to tell them about the crazed fan girl attacks that have been going on lately (which is making me dislike the series more and more). One of the girls actually tried to talk some sense into ME! She tried to explain that the Fan girls were just angry.
And I said, “If people who don’t like Twilight get on obsessed fan girls nerves that much Twilight should be destroyed!” Some of the girls at my table understood. Some got really pissed. One of the girls marched off steaming. I thought I had made my point. But of course in Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. She came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed “How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!” Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn’t have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed.
Yeah… I don’t believe that’s real for a second, but kudos to whoever wrote it. Good stuff. In related news, I used to be a Twihard back when I played roller hockey, but I kept swipping and fawing down. :-(
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They can hold my apple bag anyday.
My burnt effigy of Stephenie Meyer brings all the Goth chicks to my yard.
Um, I regret some of MY tattoos and they’re nowhere near that gay.
Gary Busey carries sharpened pencils in his Thunderwear.
Twilight logos are the Ryan Goslings of the tattoo world.
Why are they beating bats?!? It’s like they don’t understand vampires at all. Poor little bats.
I used to Twihard too. Now I figure, fuck it. Eventually the Administration will help white people.
Sign you might be a Twihard:
You have vampire teeth holes in your pillow.
This is just a fad, while my egg tattoo from Cool Hand Luke will never go out of style.
She should have gotten between him and his pencil as she tried to kill him. Everybody knows that in Algebra class, the best way to attack your opponent is divide and conquer.
Having “be safe” on your wrist is a pretty good indication you give hand-jobs with a latex glove on.
The best thing i found to work against Antis are magnifying glasses on a sunny day, but that’s probably not a solution for vampires.
The flare gun attack wasn’t on an anti. She just wanted her boyfriend to sparkle like Edward.
She can borrow my apple slicer anytime she’d like.
Fucking acid throwings?! I didn’t know the alien queen was such a fan.
Vampire gang bangers: Fangsters
Sign you might be a Twihard:
You have a poem written inside your Trapper-Keeper that rhymes “Cullen” with “Sullen”.
I’m pretty sure if you look at those back tattoos in the mirror, it reads “RetardeD”.
Sign you might be a Twihard:
You read about a confection named “Bella Creams” and your mouth waters, but not because you’re a 27-year old pervert.
The only time I want to hear the word “twihard” is when I’m with a retarded prostitute. Me Sofa King. We Todd did.
The Twihard gang sign is the ‘Nasty Big Pointy Teeth’ motion from Holy Grail.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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You know, the Fangsters are all doing that. (has it caught on yet?)
In a particularly shocking attack, Twihards assraped an Anti and left a rub-on Twilight tattoo on his forehead.
I wage attacks against pantis all the time. You just have to stand to the side until she wears herself out from kicking.
Sign you might be a Twihard:
You left a kernel of corn in my pee-hole.
About six years back, I told a die-hard Harry Potter fan that he was Wiccan scum and that being a fan of that series all but guaranteed she was going to hell for worshipping false idols. Of course, I was just fucking around. She tried casting “he was hitting on me” to her boyfriend, but I blocked it with a counter-spell “your bitch is ugly and I could take you”.
Moral of the story? Books make you insane and television makes you stupid.
This sounds dangerous. I think a good idea would be to insert an elite squad of police officers posing as students into these schools. Of course, they’d have to be young looking so as not to arouse suspicion. And so they could report back, have the headquarters located on a street near the school. Is someone writing this down?
Apple core!
Baltimore!
Who’s your friend?
Nobody!
*runs off crying*
Something tells me those tattoos aren’t the last time those girls will stick something sharp in their wrists.
Does this mean I’m in the right to beat my wife? Y’know, before she gets me first?
Because she read those books and now I am ascared.
Twilighters quickly defeated their rivals at the middle school level. But they could see the other gang, the Hilighters, coming from a mile away.
*turns into bat, flutters to corner*
Uproxx got the AIDS again?
Is someone writing this down?
Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty sure you are.
I once pissed off an R.L. Stine fan. She was fucking creepy. Gave me Goosebumps, she did.
If the fans are called Twihards does that make all of their activities Twiharded?
This is just like when I called that C.S. Lewis fan a closet-case.
Twilight’s just a way for the golden delicious apple corporations to push their agenda.
Fucking conformists.
/takes a drag from a cigarette
Fangsters all wear long leather jackets with the applo logo on the back, surrounded by their motto: Twihard With a Vengeance. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.
Twihards have been vandalizing the grave of Francis Scott Key for penning an anthem nearly 200 years ago that says their favorite book series will eventually flutter out.
Can somebody please get Sexman to read that story of a Twihard attack aloud on Youtube?
At Forks High School the Antis even get shit from teachers marking their homeworks with “Twiharder next time.”
Fearing further violence, the Twiharders were relocated to Sporks High School.
Looks like I’m going as William Tell for Halloween this year. Again.
Well ,at least they have marked themselves so we can avoid them
Those are some pale, lonely, virgins… But at least they are real individual now they have a tattoo of a popular book and film franchise. All those people who laughed at my back piece of Harry Potter blowing Dumbledor will be saying how wrong they were… Anytime now… anytime…
I think Twitard is a much better name for them
the book sucks, the movie sucks…I don’t fucking get it.
My girlfriend wanted me to be more like Edward.
So i fucked her dad.
Well, it’s a good thing I know I can defend myself against 15 year old girls and gays.
Can we add this to the 340308430834th reason why Darwin was wrong?