Variety today has an article on the candidates for Tom Cruise’s next project (Len Wiseman’s Motorcade, The Tourist, or James Mangold’s Wichita), and more interestingly, a look at the Tom-Cruise-script-doctoring industry. That is, the writers who get paid to tailor scripts to Cruise’s (*cough*) skills.
While screenwriters all over town have been taking haircuts on every deal [Editor's Note: I think that means they've been getting less], the script doctors in the Cruise derby [why are there doctors in a derby??] have been making as much as $250,000 a week, for two to six weeks, as they hone projects with notes from Cruise. Those writers include Scott Frank, who has been revising the action comedy “Wichita” for Cruise to play an action hero; Richard Curtis, who beefed up “Lost for Words”; and Paul Attanasio, who is now rewriting the rewrite that “Matarese Circle” director Cronenberg delivered. Meanwhile, Billy Ray continues to hone “Motorcade” with notes from Cruise. Christopher McQuarrie is doing the same on “The Tourist,” which the writer is also producing. (Ray and McQuarrie are not technically script doctors because they’ve been writing these projects for months.) [Variety]
Billy Ray reports that he’s been having trouble incorporating Cruise’s last few notes: “Your hair looks nice today.” “I like your scarf, where’d you get it?” and “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Elsewhere, a rival studio is considering going forward with an undoctored script and casting another lead, a controversial strategy they call “acting.”


OMG, Tom Cruise is turning into Michael Madsen in that picture! FLEE THE REAPER!!!
There’s only one way to get my thetans out.
hint: they’re in my dick.
Tom Hanks has been taking haircuts after every deal in his career, but only on the front because he doesn’t trust people with scissors behind him.
I know a derby down in Pompano I’d like these script doctors to visit.
screenwriters all over town have been taking haircuts on every deal
Getting fucked in the ass on deals is so 2008, Vince. Duh.
Ray and McQuarrie are not technically script doctors, but they can still take a look at your weewee or poopoo, if you’re not feeling well. They also have candy, like a real doctor.
Is Tom Cruise really worth the money? Depends on how thin you slice him.
Tom Cruise has a funny feeling Dr. Pepper isn’t really a doctor at all.
Actually, it’s $1000 per week for the script doctoring, and $249,000 per week for wrestling practice.
The writers get haircuts to make Tom Cruise feel taller.
I wish Tom Cruise would hire the Spin Doctors to manage his career.
I wish Tom Cruise would hire Flip Wilson to manage his career.
Fuck this guy, man. He made me look up “glib”.
Upon reading this article, Tom flipped out and fired everyone because he doesn’t believe in doctors.
If you rewrite a rewrite in the mirror five times, Tom Cruise will pop out of your toilet with a rose in his mouth.
Tom is not gonna be pleased when he finds out those aren’t prescription doctors – you know the kind that get’s you the good shit!”
Scott Frank, who has been revising the action comedy “Wichita” for Cruise to play an action hero
That’s going to be a tough rewrite. The only action Wichita ever sees is cow tipping and the occasional sheep rapist.
An action comedy called Witchita? Is this the BTK biopic you guys have been collaborating on?
Have you ever seen Cruise on Inside the Actor’s Studio? After nearly every film Lipton asks him to describe how he approached it, Cruise says, “We took a look at the script, looked to see where we could…”, etc., etc.
This story is no surprise. It’s just spotlighting a high-profile insult in the already highly insulted profession of the creative screenwriter.
Tom Cruise feels funny on his private area every time he goes to the Tailor.