How the hell did this slip under the radar?  It’s called Tiptoes, and it’s a real, non-spoof movie (albeit direct-to-DVD) from 2003.  Kate Beckinsale falls in love with Matthew McConaughey, and then he drops the bomb: he’s from a family of dwarves. She’s pregnant with his child, which because of his genes is probably going to be a dwarf child, and she’s worried it’s going to hack its way out of her uterus with a flute and mini pickaxe, because that’s what dwarves do. But more importantly, Gary Oldman plays McConnaughey’s dwarf brother.

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.” [videogum]

Sweet Jesus, man, everyone knows you never go full midget.  Meanwhile, the trailer calls it “Gary Oldman, in the role of a lifetime,” and includes lines like, “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts.”  Yeah? Tell that to my ex-girlfriend.  Boy, did she like it rough.

[KUDOS TO VIDEOGUM FOR FINDING THIS]