^{“Beat it, hippies.  Put on some clothes before I taze your asses.”}

English poet John Milton’s 1674 epic about the fall of man, Paradise Lost, is the source material for two competing film productions.  Oh man, this is gonna be just like Volcano/Dante’s Peak.

Veteran producer Martin Poll has joined with Granite Entertainment and STV Networks to mount an indie version of “Paradise” that has been gestating for nearly four decades and could enter production as early as the summer. If so, it could find itself going up against a competing version of “Paradise” that Legendary Pictures and Vincent Newman Entertainment have been developing [which, as of two years ago, was trying to get Daniel Craig or Heath Ledger for Lucifer. Oops. -Ed]. Poll began pitching a film version of Milton’s epic poem in the late ’60s.

Although he couldn’t interest a studio at the time to make a movie about Satan’s fall from grace, his temptation of Adam and Eve and the first couple’s subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden, Poll began working with British author and screenwriter John Collier, who wrote a screenplay, which was published in book form in 1973.  In the past year, the project has taken on new life: Poll has teamed with producers Hank McCann, Bob Knotek and Jonas McCord. [THR]

So let’s see… Some chick gets talked into tasting the “forbidden fruit” by a giant snake, and it basically ruins everything forever.  Anyone else get the feeling this whole thing was written by a dude whose girlfriend cheated on him with a guy with a big dick?

I’ll take pretty much any excuse I can to post this video, but today I have a good one: the writer/director behind Død Snø (the movie this clip comes from, which opens in June) has a new project in the works.

Tommy Wirkola has an idea: “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.” Wirkola pitched Will Ferrell’s production company on the idea of exploring how things played out for the poor siblings 15 years after that whole gingerbread house incident. Simply put, they’re now specialized bounty hunters looking to put down the cackling black-hat set.

“The idea is, they’ve grown up and they hunt witches,” Adam McKay said. “It’s a hybrid sort of old-timey feeling, yet there’s pump-action shotguns. Modern technology but in an old style.  We heard it and we were just like, ‘That’s a freakin’ franchise! You could make three of those!’” [Yahoo]

Okay, settle down, spaz.  In the original, Hansel and Gretel burned the witch alive in an oven.  But if I know anything about bounty hunters, it’s that the worst thing they do to anyone is shoot them with mace or paintball guns.  Oh, and they hate black people. So basically, this is a modernized version of a germanic fairy tale in which the protagonists burn people in ovens and hate black people.  Talk about The Reader all over again.

• Snakes on a Plane TV Edit Outtakes, with comedian Taco Perkins. |ScreenJunkies|
• The relationship translator.  Hey, maybe it can tell me what this restraining order means. |HolyTaco|
• The top ten drugs we used as kids. |icebabies|
• Oh hey look, a new PG Porn.  This time with a dialect coach.  |Spike|
• “In an Apatow World” schlubby guys get hot chicks. Whatever, Katherine Heigl sucks. |CollegeHumor|
• Sports Illustrated swimsuit videos.  Sure, why not? |uncoached|
• Here’s some Star Trek-themed, uh… stuff. |Atom|
• Princess Buttercup is back on the market again.  Oh, and Sean Penn too. |DailyFill|
• Don Johnson is playing a porn director, capping off 20 years of looking like one. |THR|
• Elliot Gould talks ornithology.  God, I’ve waited years to say those words. |BullzEye|

Video courtesy of RoboPanda

This three minute opening/title sequence with Tim Burton-esque music comes from the documentary Food Inc., and just hit the web today.  Currently making the festival rounds, Food Inc. comes from director Robert Kenner and co-producer Eric Schlosser (author of Fast Food Nation), and features appearances by Schlosser, Michael Pollan, and others.  It purports to be an honest look at where the food we eat actually comes from.  Well, the food you eat, anyway.  Mine comes from a Chinese guy on a bicycle.

[via CHUD]

Variety reports that Ricky Gervais’ children’s book Flanimals will soon be made into a 3D animated film.  In related news, Ricky Gervais wrote a children’s book called Flanimals. And from what I gather, it’s the ultimate kids-will-watch-anything bluff call.  Here’s the description from Amazon:

What is Glonk’s favorite pastime? If a Puddloflaj’s eyes pop out why can’t it pick them up? The Plamglotis only eats two things in its entire life. What are they? Why don’t you know the answers? What’s wrong with you? Anyway. Help is at hand from Ricky Gervais.

No offense to Ricky Gervais since he’s clearly America’s SweetheartthatwestolefromEngland, but, dude, he literally just made up words.  And then had someone else draw pictures of them.  Why the hell am I not writing children’s books?  You can just hit the keyboard with your elbows and then go, a Spurglamsk? Yeah, that’s a shark-headed orangutan who pulls the arms off naughty boys who won’t go for a ride in my van. The moral of the story is pay me.  And that kids are stupid.  See also: everything.