04.22.09 ABSTINENCE PARABLE ADDS HOT SHIRTLESS NATIVES
They say cutoff shorts are the new loin cloth
USA Today has your first look at the Native Americans cast as Stephenie Meyer’s “Wolf Pack” in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight.
Unlike cold-blooded neck biters, these poster guys for animal magnetism are hot. So hot that their temperature runs a steady 108 degrees, as anyone who has read Stephenie Meyer’s series of gothic romances knows. Four actors — Chaske Spencer, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Bronson Pelletier, all with Native American heritage — join Taylor Lautner, 17, who returns as a hairier, scarier Jacob Black. The plotline finds Jacob growing closer to a distraught Bella (Kristen Stewart) after her vampire beau, Edward, runs off. [USA Today]
Great reporting, USA Today. Hey, am I taking crazy pills? Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that an abstinence parable does such a poor job of disguising the author’s fantasy of getting f*cked by a hot-blooded wolf Indian? It’s just odd how okay everyone is with selling abstinence to tweens using the female equivalent of, “Hey, guys, check out the sweet tits on these pubescent virgins! Man, you can almost taste the steam comin’ off those camel toes. Really makes a guy wanna bed the same one for his entire life, knowhatI’msayin?”
On an unrelated note, I think the one on the right is called Dances with Radcliffe.
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/googleneverliescopy-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/newmoon-stewart-lautner-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/keanureeves-150x150.jpg)
There are 44 comments about:
ABSTINENCE PARABLE ADDS HOT SHIRTLESS NATIVES
Great, now these young actors will become wildly successful, get hooked on booze and drugs and wind up homeless.
It’s a good thing mormons aren’t racist or anything, otherwise somebody might find issue with the fact that the enemy of the beautiful vampire who’s so white he fucking sparkles is a bunch of dangerous, feral minorities.
Anybody else think she came up with these characters while listening to Duran Duran?
Pictured: Two dreamcatchers, two dreampitchers.
The new ads for NorthFace’s velcro shorts line. “With these tear aways you can show her your doggie style in an instant!”
Wait, I give it a month and you’ll have lunatic female 20 somethings getting whatever that is on their arms tatted to their ass cheeks. Because The Cullen Crest on ever fucking thing just isn’t enough.
In an abstinence parable, it doesn’t matter whether wolfman has nards.
Funny, they don’t look drunk.
The third movie will cast a bunch of native San Franciscans as Fudge Pack.
wow, so I’m guessing in this vampire tale Vampires don’t have a problem with the sun? they got some mean tan going on there.
Dude. Hello, they’re wolves? It’s like you haven’t even read the books.
Looks like they hired Michelle Owen as script doctor to find a way around the whole abstinence thing.
Fox columnist Friedman has already seen it on the internet and writes “just like the girl who cried wolf, but sexier”.
ooohhh right they’re wolves. so do wolves not have a hair problem in this series then or is it all consentrated in their eyebrows?
Man I need to get up and my tween fiction.
I’m more Native American than three of those guys, and I’ve got the scalps to prove it.
This pack of wolves packs fudge.
These Indians smoke the peace pole.
When they do a rain dance it rains men.
Something tells me these little Indians don’t go for squaw.
The trail of tears is their rectums. (It’s pronounced tares not teers in this case.)
Nu tu kutsena ma ta?wo?i kwutikura.
(Just take my word for it, they’re ROTF in Oklahoma right now)
Seen on a nearby casino sign:
Shirts, Long Pants, No Service.
To them “Wounded Knee” is what they get after blowing a dude in a gravel parking lot.
“We werewolves, not wear shirts, silly.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pitching a teepee with my peepee right now.
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