They say cutoff shorts are the new loin cloth
USA Today has your first look at the Native Americans cast as Stephenie Meyer’s “Wolf Pack” in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight.
Unlike cold-blooded neck biters, these poster guys for animal magnetism are hot. So hot that their temperature runs a steady 108 degrees, as anyone who has read Stephenie Meyer’s series of gothic romances knows. Four actors — Chaske Spencer, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Bronson Pelletier, all with Native American heritage — join Taylor Lautner, 17, who returns as a hairier, scarier Jacob Black. The plotline finds Jacob growing closer to a distraught Bella (Kristen Stewart) after her vampire beau, Edward, runs off. [USA Today]
Great reporting, USA Today. Hey, am I taking crazy pills? Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that an abstinence parable does such a poor job of disguising the author’s fantasy of getting f*cked by a hot-blooded wolf Indian? It’s just odd how okay everyone is with selling abstinence to tweens using the female equivalent of, “Hey, guys, check out the sweet tits on these pubescent virgins! Man, you can almost taste the steam comin’ off those camel toes. Really makes a guy wanna bed the same one for his entire life, knowhatI’msayin?”
On an unrelated note, I think the one on the right is called Dances with Radcliffe.
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Great, now these young actors will become wildly successful, get hooked on booze and drugs and wind up homeless.
It’s a good thing mormons aren’t racist or anything, otherwise somebody might find issue with the fact that the enemy of the beautiful vampire who’s so white he fucking sparkles is a bunch of dangerous, feral minorities.
Anybody else think she came up with these characters while listening to Duran Duran?
Pictured: Two dreamcatchers, two dreampitchers.
The new ads for NorthFace’s velcro shorts line. “With these tear aways you can show her your doggie style in an instant!”
Wait, I give it a month and you’ll have lunatic female 20 somethings getting whatever that is on their arms tatted to their ass cheeks. Because The Cullen Crest on ever fucking thing just isn’t enough.
In an abstinence parable, it doesn’t matter whether wolfman has nards.
Funny, they don’t look drunk.
The third movie will cast a bunch of native San Franciscans as Fudge Pack.
wow, so I’m guessing in this vampire tale Vampires don’t have a problem with the sun? they got some mean tan going on there.
Dude. Hello, they’re wolves? It’s like you haven’t even read the books.
Looks like they hired Michelle Owen as script doctor to find a way around the whole abstinence thing.
Fox columnist Friedman has already seen it on the internet and writes “just like the girl who cried wolf, but sexier”.
ooohhh right they’re wolves. so do wolves not have a hair problem in this series then or is it all consentrated in their eyebrows?
Man I need to get up and my tween fiction.
I’m more Native American than three of those guys, and I’ve got the scalps to prove it.
This pack of wolves packs fudge.
These Indians smoke the peace pole.
When they do a rain dance it rains men.
Something tells me these little Indians don’t go for squaw.
The trail of tears is their rectums. (It’s pronounced tares not teers in this case.)
Nu tu kutsena ma ta?wo?i kwutikura.
(Just take my word for it, they’re ROTF in Oklahoma right now)
Seen on a nearby casino sign:
Shirts, Long Pants, No Service.
To them “Wounded Knee” is what they get after blowing a dude in a gravel parking lot.
“We werewolves, not wear shirts, silly.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pitching a teepee with my peepee right now.
Indian werewolves use all of the prey they kill.
especially the asshole.
The guy on the left went to see his therapist. He says “I’m so confused. Some days me feel like Tee Pee, some days me feel like WigWam.”
The therapist says. “Well, there’s your problem – you’re two tents.”
So unoriginal.
It’s no secret that all Native Americans have mad dog in them.
They all sit on the same upturned stool and send “smoke signals” from across the bar.
The one in the middle-right’s indian name is Thomas Hangswithabeard..
This wolfpack seems to have better ball handling skills than the other one.
These guys go crazy for a whole different kind of full moon.
I was going to comment on this, but then I thought, “Maybe the post would be more meaningful would be better if I didn’t.”
Dances with Wolves?
More like Prances with Bears.
Native American werewolves down silver bullets by the case.
Native American werewolves? Not so much why as HOW!
Tween Native American werewolves don’t wear their hearts on their sleeve. They just totem around.
These Native American werewolves want you to play with their slots.
These Native Americans’ biggest worry isn’t smallpox, but it rhymes with that.
While I’m not surprised that none of these Native American werewolves have a Happy Trail, I would expect to at least see a Trail of Tears.
No?
No.
Native American werewolves never have to wait for a table because they’ve got reservations.
Utah Jazz hands…
They can only be killed by cirrhosis from drinking a Coors Silver Bullet.
One little, two little, three little Indian boytoys.
Wow you people are pathetic, probably sitting alone at your computers pale as fuck! and fat to boot, gunning down these tanned and obviously fit young hot men. Remember when you point a finger at some one else there are 3 pointing back at you, so I’m guessing that you are the ones that are actually imagining being on some guys totem pole (be sure not to slide you’ll sliver, lol) all while you’re chugging down 1 beer.. two beers… & become three little losers, lol yes i noticed that there are 3 of you that are making all the alcoholic and pole sliding comments, what a bunch of jealous losers you are. These young men are simply people with morales and values like most decent human beings which is obviouly more personality that you 3 will ever have. Cheers! slug down another drink and I hope you all choke on it, that is if you don’t already choke on that pole you have in your mouth…. or is that your ass!!!! lmao can’t tell the difference from my safe distance, lol Have a nice day! Assholes!!!
Does it make me a racist if I read the part about chugging down beers and started whistling the tune to “1 little, 2 little, 3 little indians”?
LOL! Thnx, sarcasm! I hope u hav a nice day, 2!!! LMAO! ROFLKTOLANAL!