Sony has hired Justin Marks to write a script based on the videogame Shadow of the Colossus, which I’m sure will be great because videogame movies are always great.
“Colossus,” which bowed exclusively on the PlayStation 2 in 2005, revolves around a man named Wander who must travel across a cursed wasteland and defeat 16 creatures, known as the colossi, in order to restore the life of a girl.
“Colossus” is the latest high-profile project for Marks, who is writing the redo of “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Captain Nemo” at Disney, with McG attached to direct. He recently landed “Suicide Squad,” based on the DC Comics book, at Warner Bros., for which he’s also written “Green Arrow: Escape From Supermax,” also based on the DC character, and “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.” He’s also adapted “Hack/Slash” for Relativity, based on the Devil’s Due comicbook, and the ’80s TV toon “Voltron: Defender of the Universe,” for Mark Gordon Prods. [Variety]
This Justin Marks guy must have the best publicist in the world. So far the only movie he’s written that’s been released was Street Fighter, and we know how that went ($8 million domestic gross, 4% on rottentomatoes). I understand a bad director (and Chris Klein pretending he’s David Caruso) can ruin a good script, but I can’t imagine “he walks through the raindrops” looked any better on paper. Yet he now has SEVEN SCRIPTS in development. I’d love to assume that this guy’s getting hired based on talent, but the people hiring him are the same people who think a movie about a guy named “Wander” who fights giants is a good idea. It wouldn’t suprise me that he just shows up to meetings wearing a beret and fake mustache, and the execs immediately turn to each other and go, “Whoa, this guy seems legit.”
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Yes, all of the blockbuster scripts I have written (= vaguely thought about writing) are also “in development” (= being vaguely thought about). So honestly, I am WAY better than Justin Marks, because I don’t have that “Street Fighter” blot on my record. Studio execs, call me!
*Crosses fingers for Wanderlei Silva to star*
I am writing a script based on my latest bowel movement, and how it can save the rec center.
Banner Pic: C’mon, you gotta see this one I laid in the third stall! It curls four fucking times. You’ll never get another chance like this!
Banner pic:
“No, I said ‘pull my finger’!”
*Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef*
Banner pic: “Donk is funnier than you’ll ever be, bitch!”
Serious comment
The Shadow of the Colossus game is hardcore. Of course, it’s about you controlling a guy, who climbs up the asses of giants and stabs them in the fucking head. How that would ever translate into a movie, especially one written by this asshole, is beyond me, but the source material is solid.
You’ve got to assume this guy has no gag reflex and really cushy knees.
,Green Arrow: Escape from Supermax
You can’t even escape from a Supermax with a fucking tank, let alone an arrow with a boxing glove on it
The Shadow of the Colossus game is hardcore. Of course, it’s about you controlling a guy, who climbs up the asses of giants and…
That’s where Zac Efron stopped reading, and shrieked “I’m in!”
You can’t even escape from a Supermax with a fucking tank, let alone an arrow with a boxing glove on it
Yeah, but he’ll be a big man on the inside given that his ward, Speedy, has a great heroine connection.
That’s right, I made a 1970s Green Lantern/Green Arrow reference.
Justin Marks selling himself on getting to write the He-Man Script:
*Marks walks in with a He-Man and Skeletor action figure, smashes them together while making fighting noises, he throws Skeletor and makes a faint dying noise*
Producer: Brilliant! You got it!
Marks: Now let me show you my ideas for Voltron.
*Gets out lion toys*
Please tell me one of the monsters he battles is a giant ape throwing barrels.
No, but he does fight one of those demon dogs from Ghostbusters.
Here’s the thing about Chris Klein. I actually thought for a second that he was pretty good in American Pie. Turns out though that his trick was to be on camera almost only when Mena Suvari was on camera. And I really wanted to fuck Mena Suvari back then.
So yeah, what were we talking about again?
Mena Suvari is the Chris Klein of fuckable movie chicks.
Not only does Justin Ward walk through the raindrops, but he also tiptoes through the tulips.
I’ll say this for Chris Klein, he was awesome in Election.
I’ll say this for Chris Klein, he was awesome in Election.
True, he really did make that character’s ‘dim’ shine.
No, but he does fight one of those demon dogs from Ghostbusters.
That reminds me – Devil Dogs were the absolute worst snack food. There was nothing redeeming about them.
For a minute there, i thought the banner pic was surveillance footage of me in drag raping chicks in the restroom at the local gay bar, but i see i was wrong.
Shadow of the Colossus is one of the craziest games. It only makes sense that Sony rapes it for as much as it’s worth.
My Shadow of the Colossus script has me dangling a flashlight behind my penis for 90 minutes.
I can’t wait to see the “Making of”, so we can see exactly how they turn one of the greatest video games of all time into the worst movie of all time.