Variety reports that Ricky Gervais’ children’s book Flanimals will soon be made into a 3D animated film. In related news, Ricky Gervais wrote a children’s book called Flanimals. And from what I gather, it’s the ultimate kids-will-watch-anything bluff call. Here’s the description from Amazon:
What is Glonk’s favorite pastime? If a Puddloflaj’s eyes pop out why can’t it pick them up? The Plamglotis only eats two things in its entire life. What are they? Why don’t you know the answers? What’s wrong with you? Anyway. Help is at hand from Ricky Gervais.
No offense to Ricky Gervais since he’s clearly America’s SweetheartthatwestolefromEngland, but, dude, he literally just made up words. And then had someone else draw pictures of them. Why the hell am I not writing children’s books? You can just hit the keyboard with your elbows and then go, a Spurglamsk? Yeah, that’s a shark-headed orangutan who pulls the arms off naughty boys who won’t go for a ride in my van. The moral of the story is pay me. And that kids are stupid. See also: everything.
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Having a baby at home, I can confirm with absolute certainty that kids books require nothing but the balls to write shit down, draw some fucked up characters, hand them to a publisher and ask for your check.
Seriously.
Note my avatar. That is an un-edited scan of a page in my son’s book of shapes. Die. That’s the best fucking representation of a square you can come up with, fuck face?
There are 7 pages in the goddamned thing, and it cost $5.00. Do the math. We’re all wasting our lives working.
So this is what happened to the monsters rejected from Rob Zombie videos.
Stone, you trying to say that Everybody Poops, and The Holes in Your Nose shouldn’t be included in the western canon? Blasphemer!
A Spurglamsk is the porn term for bukkake face.
“Okay, for the final scene Chastity is going to get a spurglamsk from the fellas and then we’ll break for lunch. Chowder sound good to anyone else?”
Dr. Seuss thinks Ricky is fucking amateur hour.
J, see my comment from last thread.
Stone, I’m with ya on that one.
These Glonks are obviously gay.
Also I prefer the alternative texts Nobody Poops but You and You’re a Naughty Child and That’s Pure Concentrated Evil Coming Out of Your Backside.
There are exceptions, of course, Crappy. Quite frankly, Dr. Seuss books are brilliant examples of made up words. No one pulled it off like that LSD’d up mother fucker.
When I pitched my book Bathing Suit Parts I didn’t get a book deal, just a lot of yelling and false accusations.
I saw it big guy. So he was a poser. That’s okay. He was still great.
Seeing as Madonna, Gwenyth, and Amy-Scrub-Me-Winehouse wrote/are writing children’s books, I don’t get why this is somehow news. Or even interesting.
What do rhetorical questions make me want to do? How about poor marketing campaigns for rich-as-royalty comedians? And people who look like David Bowie impersonators gone to seed and so over-compensate by dressing like stage hands? Why don’t you know the answers? What’s wrong with you? Anyway.
The second monster is stolen from the art book of a Hentai Illustrator.
Madonna is Britain’s Terrorsentbythecolonialrebels.
Even British drawings have fucked up teeth.
If you can rhyme something with one through ten and hold a crayon, I see no reason why you can’t make a living selling children’s books. Or as an architect.
Child: Uncle Pauly, can you read me a bedtime story, PLEEEEEEASE?
Pauly: Sure thing, kid. I wrote one, as a matter of fact. It’s in here, in this damp rag. Here take a closer look…[puts rag doused in chloroform to childs face]
Child: It smells funn….[child passes out]
Pauly: Now for the real “story time”.
Flanimals is a popular clothing line for kids of lesbian mothers.
[Crappy channels the spirit of Shel Silverstein]
Fuck off Ricky.
[eyes roll back]
Whoa, why do I feel like a really pissed off Jew?
Because the clerk at Panda Express shorted you $.13 in change?
Huh, JHC, all this time I thought Flanimals were a popular line of edible undergarments for pedophiles.
You gotta keep your eyes on those sneaky Chinamen. Can’t be trusted.
After I pitched my book Jamie Grew Up Fast I didn’t get a book deal, just a letter telling me to stay 300 yards away from any school or park.
When I pitched by book I need to See if You Are Clean I didn’t get a book deal, but Gary Glitter did send me an autographed copy of Rock n Roll part 2.
Shortly after my failed pitch of my book Grass on the Field I did get a movie option deal from Roman Polanski.
DON’T YOU BE BADMOUTHING SHEL SILVERSTEIN!!!1!TWO
Where the Sidewalk Ends is a fucking classic!
Hello?
Oh and J, I think that being a faux-Kajon made him even better. My dad was originally from Texas and stole all his best Cajun expressions and mannerisms from Justin.
If The Giving Tree doesn’t jerk a tear you have NO SOUL!!!(
New up, moo-moos.
(pic on right) Man, Grimace sure has lost a lot of weight. And a couple legs.