As you may have already guessed from my incendiary headline wordplay, this week’s Comments of the Week winner wins Never Surrender, which hits stores April 28th. And how could it not be awesome with this synopsis:
“Never Surrender is an erotically charged, controversial action-thriller set in the world of underground street fighting where an MMA fighter who has been drawn into the world by an erotic and sexy promoter, quickly realizes that there is no way out, other than death.”
As always, to nominate for next week’s comments of the week, use the comments section of this post (bookmark it, or you can always find the comment nomination thread linked in the About section) for any comment you think is recognition worthy. On to the winners…
Plenty of hilarity this week, choosing the winners was tough. Let’s get things started with Burnsy from the Porter the Blues Dog thread:
Burnsy says: Looks like some bitch done him wrong.
Subtle. Simple. Sexy. Next up, Pauly Dangerously in the Hobo Swallows Live Mice (while tugging on his ear) thread:
Pauly Dangerously says: He was tugging on his ear to tell Carroll Burnett’s Mom “Sup bitch!”
I’m even going to attempt to explain that one. In the Chris Klein Drives the Easter Bunny to Drink thread, there was more Pauly Dangerouslyness:
Pauly Dangerously says: My nickname in prison was the “Keister Bunny”
Stinky Peet likewise keeps it simple in the Channing Tatum Fights Shirtless thread:
Stinky Peet says, The first rule of Channing Tatum Shirtless Fight Club is “Always respect your opponent’s safeword.”
Meanwhile, Donkey Hodey goes clever and high brow in the Wicker Man 5th Symphony thread:
Donkey Hodey says: Eine Kleine Nicmusik.
Then we got a nice peanut gallery effect on Uwe Boll Directing Movie about the Janjaweed Militia:
Donkey Hodey: Members of the Janjaweed are said to be able to deal with the horrors they inflict upon their countrymen because of their lack of short-term memory.
Chino Moreno says: Janjaweed is a gateway militia.
JHC says: The residual effects of Janjaweed stay in a woman’s system for up to nine months. [note the many layers]
SmokeEmIfYaGotEm says: There is no Zimbabwe I’m watching this.
I like that the pot metaphor became increasingly complex until SmokeEm came along like pickled ginger and gave us a nice palate cleanser. Next up, from the Dawg Fight Backyard Brawl Documentary thread:
RoboPanda says: They see me brawlin’. They tapin’.
That’d be good enough for the win most weeks. As would Donkey Hodey’s comment on the Christian Fundamentalist Dance Movie (C Me Dance) thread:
Donkey Hodey says: NOBODY PUTS UNBORN BABY IN THE CORNER!
…As would Chino Moreno’s comment in the Deleted Twilight Scene (about anal) thread:
Chino Moreno says: I vant to f*ck your butt…
Luckily, Chino was the winner anyway. I felt like her comment on the Hobo Eats Mice thread was a notch (albeit a small notch) above all the rest:
Chino Moreno says: The mice go into a hobo, but come out of a bum.
I believe that makes two in a row for the drunkettes. Hope you like MMA movies, Chino…
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I got in! I got in!
Um, I mean, congratulations SmokeEm.
** Looks at Chino, looks at Chino’s prize, looks at Vince… **
I see how it is. Next time, I’m sending naked pictures of myself.
Congrats Chino :)
Shouldn’t the prize for a drunkette be cookwear or a crib?
Uh… Yeah, Al… Good plan. Next time. *cough*
“Never Surrender is an erotically charged, controversial action-thriller set in the world of underground street fighting where an MMA fighter who has been drawn into the world by an erotic and sexy promoter, quickly realizes that there is no way out, other than death.”
And there’s not a single female listed in the cast.
Congrats, Chino! Enjoy your MM-GAY movie!
Wow. That was some top shelf stuff last week and I didn’t notice a single one.
Mr. Editor, I sure as hell hope it’s “cookware”, otherwise I’m walking around with my wok bumping into my skillet at every turn.
Blond much?
American movie-goers are idiots (Fast’n'Furious)
The Rutger Hauer Experience gets all auto-porn-y:
I imagine it is difficult to write a review of this movie without spoilers.
I’m glad you passed today’s grammar test, Al. Next week we’ll move up to fourth grade level and soon enough you might be able to convince people that you’re retarded instead of Canadian.
Bite my Canadian bacon and acknowledge your ineptitude, yank.
Autobutts assemble in theaters
Stinky Peet is all intellectual and sh-t:
“No one ever went broke under-estimating the stupidity of the American Public.”
— H.L. Mencken
“That Mencken guy is pretty sharp, maybe we can get an option on his bio as a vehicle for Chris Klein.”
— Unnamed Universal executive
“Never Surrender is an homoerotically charged, controversial action-thriller set in the world of underground street fighting…” FIXED.
Told ya chino would win.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/fast-and-bicurious-snl#comments
The Rutger Hauer Experience says:
Cool, some of my B eff effs are B effers, too
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/rob-schneider-a-durpity-ding-dong#comments
Donkey Ho FTW:
I can’t wait for the sequel to Rob Schneider’s pic, where, after making peace with the Croatian gangsters, his wife gets kidnapped by their rivals and he has to win a dance contest to get her back: You Got Serbed
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/real-life-mutant-baby-is-super-strong&cp=1#comment-188131
Burnsy says:
Your move, Michael Jackson.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/real-life-mutant-baby-is-super-strong&cp=1#comment-188125
Burnsy takes the cake, puts it in cage trap:
Your move, Michael Jackson.
Thirding Burnsy. Well played.
It’s nice to see Burnsy can string at least four words together coherently/correctly: fourth the Michael Jackson comment.
Donk in the same thread:
So, what are you doing after nap time, baby? I think I’m gonna go for a little afternoon milk then maybe work on some pecs and delts at the monkey bars before giving myself a good core workout on the swings. Yeah, maybe if I’ve got time later I’ll run up the slide and ride the Goofy bouncer. You know, whatever. Hey I’ll catch you later alright?
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/where-the-wild-things-are-poster2#comments
April 7th, 2009 at 10:02 am Pauly Dangerously says:
*Pauly and child walk into dark forest*
Child: Geez Uncle Pauly, this forest is dark and scary. I’m so afraid.
Pauly: You’re afraid? I gotta walk back alone, kid.
Sheeze, nacho are you nominating that or entering it into evidence?
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/jerry-bruckheimer-horse-soldiers&cp=1
Fek in the Horse Soldiers thread:
A movie about a bunch of GIs that talk like Bale’s Batman?
I know the last few weeks it’s appeared as though I’m trading Donkey nominations for blowjobs . . . but that’s only because I am.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/jerry-bruckheimer-horse-soldiers&cp=1
There’s a particularly moving scene in which Sergeant Aladdin tends to a dying private who makes him swear to send a letter back home to Sarah Jessica Parker for him.
fa5t and furio5
Stone Soup says:
Welcome to the internet – where appreciation for literary allusions and unfounded hostility coexist peacefully.
mutant baby
Crapbasket says:
He looks at his Stretch Armstong and says with thinly veiled remorse, “I must break you.”
wrestlemania
Jacktion! says:
I didn’t get to see it because I was too busy stealing cows.
Last night was also RustleMania.
remakes
Donkey Hodey says:
If you’re trying to get a movie made now, you can push the rock up a mountain or you can push it on flat ground
Or, if you’re Fox, you can nudge it down an incline onto the homes of innocent people.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/hollywoods-remake-mania&cp=1
Holy shit, Robopanda:
I suspect Sisyphus himself would take one look at Hollywood and say, “Fuck it. Can I go live in Bolgia 2 instead? Pretty much the same as this, but without having to move the rock too.”
2nd boPa That shit is divine.
Third Robo.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/cameron-diaz-box-is-on-a-poster?cp=2
ChinoMoreno says:
The last time I put my box on a poster, I got crabs. Damn you, Nominus!
Second Chino, that minx.
Third for Chino.
And another for Chino. She’s on fire! (down there)
From Crichton’s pirate book:
Tom Egatherion says:
As a nod to the author’s conqueror, the film title of Crichton’s book ‘Pirate Latitudes’ will be “Tropic of Pancreatic Cancer”.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/lightsaber-lingerie-fight&cp=1#comment-188555
Vodka says:
They were going to just play a game of Tag. But the director gave that idea the Axe.
Zach Efron’s Pool Party
The Rutger Hauer Experience says:
I’d rather go to Tommy Lee’s Pool Parties.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/shawn-fights-the-korean-opponent&cp=1
Burnsy:
Channing Tatum walks through golden raindrops.
Donkey Hodey makes me Bull Hurley with….
Donkey Hodey says:
Channing Tatum is all set to star in a shirtless arm wrestling movie: Without the Top.
Second Rutger Hauer’s plea for drowning.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/weinsteins-lose-rights-to-sin-city-2#comments
*Slow Clap* for da keyHo
I expect this to be citier than the first.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/billy-bob-thornton-radio-meltdown#more-12207
SmokeEmIfYouGotEm says:
BILL BOB: Would you say that to Tom Petty?
INT(What he should have said): No, I’d say “Hey Tom. You ever meet Billy Bob Thorton. That guys a fucking nutjob”
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/twilight-fans-will-cut-ju-mang&cp=1
Pauly:
Sign you might be a Twihard:
You have vampire teeth holes in your pillow.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/twilight-fans-will-cut-ju-mang#comments
JHC made me laugh so hard I hope he dies tomorrow:
I used to Twihard too. Now I figure, fuck it. Eventually the Administration will help white people.
Yeah, seconding J.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/magic-and-quidditch-and-crap#comments
Woah, I overlooked this gem from Shop101 the first time:
Any movie where old beardy tells the young boy that was fun, most people vomit the first time is O.K by me. Do tell me more about this grand adventure.
lightsaber lingerie fight
SmokeEmIfYouGotEm says:
If you strike me down I will become more slutty than you could possibly imagine.
Erswi says:
I dunno Smokes. I can imagine pretty fuckin slutty. Gnomesayin?
Twihard 2: Twiharder
Erswi says:
If the fans are called Twihards does that make all of their activities Twiharded?
Harry Potter banged a horse. Your argument is invalid.
Michelle07 says:
Is an invalid argument what that guy in the wheelchair was yelling at me?
Sure, no one likes Gnome Sayin, but they’re happy to steal the bit… :)
Line 80/Harry Potter
Pauly Dangerously says:
He is Uproxx. Your argument is invalid.
May I add that Pauly’s avatar looks like Donkey’s henchman?
From Michelle07 in the Twilard thread:
Michelle07 says:
Why are they beating bats?!? It’s like they don’t understand vampires at all. Poor little bats.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/awesome-business-card#comments
Rotwangchung says:
I don’t have business cards. I just take someone else’s card, piss on it, and hand it back. If they want to find me, they can just follow my musk-trail.
Am I the only one reading the comments or is everyone just in a bad mood? Is it some kind of official Day of Mourning in Canada? Did Worf get captured by the Romulins? Did Joe Arpio find out where Pauly was hiding?
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/observe-report-review-ballsy-but-a-mess#comments
Burnsy says:
Ray Liotta would have been a better fit in Pineapple Express.
I realize that everyone here thinks my nominations are retarded but his one made me spit beer on the screen.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/fri-free-hercules-throws-a-bear-into-space&cp=1#comment-189089
Donkey Hodey says:
That bear was only two days from retirement.
Shop brings the gay with:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/fri-free-hercules-throws-a-bear-into-space?cp=2
Shop 101 says:
Gawdammit, now I’m Craigslisting for bears. Going to be another dreadful Easter.
Second Donk’s retirement comment.
A HREF=”http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/jim-hensons-resident-evil-5#comments”>Henson’s Corpse
Rot’s low key nostalgia gets me again :
It’s not easy being gangrene.
And reaching back to the Twihard, Pauly says :
Sign you might be a Twihard : You left a kernel of corn in my pee-hole.
I have no fucking explanation.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/04/observe-report-review-ballsy-but-a-mess#comments
Juan tickles the lapsed Catholic in me with:
Robo, considering Ash Wednesday was a month ago, I’d say we’re staring because you never wash your face.
Or do you get ashes on Good Friday too?
heheh, silly bopa, everyone knows you get a palm reading on Good Friday.
billy bob interview
Charlie Br0nze says:
If someone with greater skills and inclination than myself doesn’t mash the “They had a contest . . . It was a big deal for us kids in those days.” clip to The Orb’s “Little Fluffy Clouds” then i’ll eat one of Terence Howard’s hats.
we love the moon
Rotwangchung says:
An indie sci-fi film? “Houston, we have a problem . . . well, it’s more like an unresolved issue. You see, I just don’t feel fulfilled and while I want a relationship, I doubt that I’m emotionally mature enough to love. Perhaps this song by Death Cab for Cutie can explain it best . . .”
-AND-
Donkey Hodey says:
The computer’s name is Ralph.
The guidance system is named Alice.
Arnold fights Nic
TengoDooter says:
Yeah, bears are real mean fuckers all right. Except when it comes to toilet paper. Then they piss and moan if it’s too rough or crumbly.