04.22.09 BILLY BOB: ‘IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT’

We should put on the clownsuit, carve up the puppy, then lock up Billy Bob Thornton.

I’m using this tactic whenever someone asks me something I don’t like;

Boss: Hey underling whoes name I don’t know, where are those TPS reports.
Me: I stick four tube socks on my erect penis and bang it in my dog door.

Say what you want, but Billy was fucking nails in Slingblade. It’s almost like he was born that way to play that role.

‘IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT’

That’s what the Sri Lankans said about that tsumani in ‘04.

Billy then said, “And Wayne Gretzky was a limp wristed twat” and then pissed on a portrait of the Queen.

I use the same tactic when questioned by cops:

Cop: Mr. Dangerously, can you tell us your whereabouts on the night of June 8th 2008?

Pauly: Chicken McNuggets are Irish.

Retard at drive thu window: We’re out of Iced Tea, would you like Coke?
Me: You know what has never worked out for me? Toe fucking a chick. Cosmo lies!

Doctor: No really, how did this Starbucks travell thermos end up in your rectum.

Me: Why is a picture hung, but a criminal hanged? Is somebody fucking with me?

Look Vince if you wanna dress in clown suits, go downtown, pick up some ladyboi hookers and beat them to a pulp while they’re handcuffed to the radiator in your moms basement. . . .

Call me and I’ll check the tires and oil are good on the BTK van and be in NYC by tomorrow morning .
But I cannot be involved in senseless puppy killing. You gotta draw a line somewhere, you know?

Hmmm, three names… lacks empathy…

I’ve been saying this for years – middle names are the gateway to misbehavior. They’re only used if you do something terrible. Or if your first name is something ridiculous like Manoj.

Other things Billy Bob Thornton does “all the time” (twice a decade):

Votes.
Scores a smoking hottie.
Does a good movie.
Gets his name in the news.
Says something worthwhile and/or intelligent.

Vince: What else does this guy have to do before we lock him up, put on a clown suit and carve up a puppy?

Pauly: [Filmdrunkards hold Billy Bob down] I say we kill him!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] Yeah!
Crap: I say we hang him, *then* we kill him!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] Yeah!
Donk: I say we stomp him!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] Yeah!
Donk: Then we tattoo him!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] Yeah!
Donk: Then we hang him…!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] YEAH!’!
Donk: And then we kill him!
Filmdrunkards: [shout] YEAH!!!
Billy Bob: [tries to throw voice without moving lips] I say we let him go.
Filmdrunkards: [shout] NO!!!
Chodin: [comes in dressed in drag, whistles] I say ya let me have him first!
Filmdrunkards: [break out in laughter]

First off, Crapbasket, nobody in Canada cares about the Queen anymore. Second, it WAS that shitty ass clown of a doubebag DJ’s fault. He fucking sucks, CBC radio sucks. I’m witb BBT on this one. Fight the power…or fight a punjab DJ, or whatever.

I’m hardly the poster child for mental health (just ask any one of my personalities not currently in use), but it seems to me that if all the people who knew me best were asking me what the fuck my problem is, I would at least pretend for a few days to not be batshit crazy.

Or we could put on a clown suit and make a balloon animal “puppy” and lock it up in a jail also made of balloons, then have Billy Bob Thornton act as celebrity judge for who has the best balloon puppy prison, because he said he used to build monster models and therefore has insight into this sort of thing.

Your right Biggie, Queen is so 70’s kitsch, and all the tribute bands are queers too afraid to go full drag, come to think of it, nobody cares about Queen anymore.

Notice he didn’t say “nobody cares about Wayne Gretzky anymore”?

Coincidentally, every year he looks more and more like a queen.

He’s also travelled a lot and has probably seen a lot of really nice balloon animals. I say we get the clown suit and contact his agent a.s.a.p. before he gets booked because competitive balloon animal season is right around the corner.

[Backflips onto ulyPa's coat tails]

Crap: Hey everybody, the new president is a ni… BONG!!!
lPauy: Waddy say?
keyHo: He said the new president is near.
Crap: No I didn’t, I said the new president is a ni…BONG!!!

DEFinitely the DJ’s fault. How dare anyone ask BBT questions that he would not ask Tom Petty. “Would you ask Tom Petty that question?” is my new response to everything, replacing “But her Hello Kitty driver’s license said she was 18!”

Happy birthday, Maxwell :)

I don’t know anything aboot Canadian radio, but doesn’t the DJ usually offer you a six pack of Labbatt’s to get the conversation going? Is William Robert thatmuch of a fucking lightweight?

WR: So Billy Bob, what’s it like to splikety slack in Angelina’s nappy dugout?
BBT: Would you ask Tom Petty that question?
WR: Well, if he had sperkled in Angie’s baby faucet then yes, yes I would.

Someone should warn Tom Petty that a loony toon psycho who thinks he’s a musician is fixating on him.

Bono is stalking Tom Petty?

Am I the only BBT fan out there? I think that a guy that was banging Angelina Jolie in her peak, when he was 20+ years older, has to be pretty fuckin’ awesome. Plus, Bad Santa rules!!

MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Oh I’m a BBT fan, Bad Santa is a holiday tradition in my house, Sling Blade, Monster’s Ball, Man Who Wasn’t There, shit I even liked Bandits. However, the body of a man’s work doesn’t define the man, and BBT is a bit of a fuckster.
Besides, this site is nothing without “baseless elitism.”

BiggieLaing, trust the fuck outta me, Billy Bob Thorton isn’t even a Billy Bob Thorton fan.

I hold Billy Bob Thornton in the same contempt as any other lottery winner who just happened to be lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. I’m glad when his winnings go start fucking somebody more attractive and talented than he is.

I blame BBT for ruining my Angelina masturbation fantasies.

Who couldn’t be a fan of someone who views you as a “humpback geek”. Well, Mr. Thornton, I am no “humpback geek”. Everyone knows that I sold by humpback to Canada to make back bacon years ago.

Canada appreciated that gesture, Duke. We had a severe back bacon shortage back in ‘92, otherwise known as The Back Bacon Crisis.

BeelzyBob! Has a hoser put aside for theeee … for theeeee … for theeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

* MOR ‘country’ ‘rock’ solo *

I would give my left ear to see BBT added to the cast of The Fighter.